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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  Self Hatred « previous next »
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Author Topic: Self Hatred  (Read 7863 times)
The Gravekeeper
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« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2012, 04:32:04 AM »

I used to legitimately hate myself, but I got help and I'm doing much better these days. Still need to give myself the odd mental kick in the butt, though.
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Mofo Rising
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« Reply #31 on: January 30, 2012, 04:43:12 AM »

I think most of us likely have seen/felt ourselves to be a waste of skin from time to time; if only momentarily.  But I also think that being able and inclined to take hard looks at ourselves can be what makes us better persons, in the end.  If we don't get stuck there, that is.  IMO people who never experience self-doubt or extreme disappointment in themselves, even for just a fleeting moment, have other limitations to their development which may be much harder to overcome.  But I may be biased in that.

Exactly right.

When I was very young, high school or so, I bought into the philosophy that we have an incredible amount of control in how we perceive the world. Part of that perception is the emotions you attach to your day-to-day existence. You can feel good about it, you can feel bad about it, but the important part is that you are the deciding force.

I don't hate myself, but I view "myself" as a tool I use to get through life. That makes me a bit of a tool because what I ended up doing is shutting down the emotional parts of myself. I gave up the highs and lows for a muted existence, which is something I don't recommend to anybody.

That said, clinical depression is very real. Jack is right, your brain may be pumping out neurotransmitters that force you to feel bad all the time. Nobody likes the idea of anti-depressants, but I have known so many people who have turned their life around with little pills.

At any rate, I don't hate myself, but I certainly have periods of self-doubt. It usually revolves around what I know I'm capable of and what I haven't done. I'm my own brain's worst critic.
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Jim H
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« Reply #32 on: January 31, 2012, 04:44:20 PM »

We probably have a good deal in common socially then, Jim. I am far from a social butterfly. In fact, I have a very hard time concentrating on more than a handful of personal relationships at a time. Because I have a wife and two boys, and a daughter on the way, it is extremely challenging for me to have any friendships outside of that, simply because it takes every ounce of my social capacity to manage that. I think what we're talking about here is simply knowing our limitations and having whatever frustrations about it that we do. Semantics, perhaps, but I don't think of it as self-hate, simply frustration over a greater capacity we wish we had.

I struggle with remembering people, names, etc. Kilgore Trout, a central character in Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions and secondary character in some of his others, suffers from a more extreme case of what I have. When I read the book, I was immediately moved because I suffer from a similar affliction. Kilgore could not remember people unless there was something strikingly unusual about them, and then of course that person was indelibly etched into his brain. In the book, he meets a shoe repairman who is a redheaded cockney midget, and because this is so strikingly unusual, he remembers everything about him, name and all, even though they have no close relationship. But if he meets anybody else and they say "my name is Frank," he will forget their name almost as soon as the interaction is over.

I'm kind of like that, but in a less intense way. My relationships follow the same vain. I have intense relationships with a small number of people. I'm sure I could train myself to develop my social acumen, but so far in life I've not really had to. Now that I'm finishing my MBA, and will probably need to step up my social game, I'm sure I'll manage it. I'm the kind of guy that many times has to experience necessity in order to take the time to learn a new skill. If I have to do it, I'll do it. Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. In my case it's more like the necessity of learning.

Anyway, we all have limitations. We all wish we were better at this or that, or had made a better decision about this or that. That's just life. There's no need to hold a grudge against yourself for what God gave you (or Creator, or Universe, or whatever you believe in), or for what you could have done better in the past.

Yeah, sounds like we do have a lot in common.  I think I was having a lot of difficulty with this lately due to a rather painful breakup, which eventually went inward.  Normally I don't hate this about myself, it's just something I have to deal with.  But the difficulty I have building relationships led me to never have a serious romantic relationship until well into my 20s, and then when that ended (not too long ago), the buildup I think made it far worse then it otherwise would have been.  All I know is following that I'd never felt so worthless in my life, and the high degree of difficulty of building to that again made it worse.

Thankfully, I think I'm past the worst of that.

I might also note that when I was with my ex, I almost never felt the need to have anyone else.  I imagine if there were kids involved, that'd be pretty much it for me as well.

I also talked to my mom about this, and I'd never really noticed before but she is much like me in this regard.  Close with her family, but never many friends.  Don't think she made a significant friend after moving to Missouri until 5 or 6 years in.  Makes me wonder if there's a nature/nurture connection.  Probably.
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Flick James
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« Reply #33 on: January 31, 2012, 05:18:16 PM »

Quote
I might also note that when I was with my ex, I almost never felt the need to have anyone else.  I imagine if there were kids involved, that'd be pretty much it for me as well.

Some might call that being a "one-woman man." And good on ya for that. I myself have always had relationships with women, and the only one-night stand I ever had was very disagreeable to me. I'm also not a "serial relationship" kind of guy either. I've had long stretches in my life of having no relationships. Sure it got lonely at times, but I was always pretty comfortable in my own skin and content with being alone. In other words, I'm more inclined to fantasize about being alone than being with someone else. On one occasion my wife asked me if she died if I would move on and find someone else. A morbid quesion perhaps, but one that I think most couples have eventually. I told her I would be pretty devastated, and while I might move on one day, the likelihood is that I would probably just be alone either for a long time or permanently. Part of this is because she is just the one for me and that's that, but part of it is because I wouldn't want to try and develop that intense closeness again. I don't think I would have anything left in me to do it again.

Perhaps that sounds very sad to some, but hey, life is full of sadness. It's not like I wouldn't find something that gave me joy, it just wouldn't be another relationship. So, yeah, some of that is being a "one-woman man," but part of it is just me being me, a non-social butterfly who prefers a small number of relationships. Besides, my kids would keep me plenty busy and fulfilled, I'm sure.

My point is that life is just life. It's got plenty of sadness. What are you gonna do? Eliminate the sadness? It can't be done. If I have a choice between life with sadness or no life at all, I'll take life with sadness. I have yet to see any point to self-hatred.
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Trevor
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« Reply #34 on: February 01, 2012, 03:15:23 AM »

My point is that life is just life. It's got plenty of sadness. What are you gonna do? Eliminate the sadness? It can't be done. If I have a choice between life with sadness or no life at all, I'll take life with sadness. I have yet to see any point to self-hatred.

Agreed, Flick.

As a child and teenager who suffered mental, physical and verbal abuse, I hated myself for a long time and I still am not 100% happy with what I see in the mirror ~ sometimes I'd prefer not to look in it at all.

I'm now 44, reasonably happy, no dependencies on alcohol or drugs to get me through the day and the thing is that I take comfort in the facts that most people do like me (underpants notwithstanding  Buggedout Wink) and that I can be there for people should they need me.
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I know I can make it on my own if I try, but I'm searching for the Great Heart
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BTM
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« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2012, 04:27:44 PM »

Self Hatred.
Have you ever hated yourself so much you wish you were dead?
I mean=so bad that it doesnt even seem worth it to .....ahhhh....f**k.
Things should be ok. But.....DAMMIT! They never are. God dam.

Yes, yes I have RC.  Dont' really care to get into why on an open thread, but yeah, I know exactly how that feels.  Sometimes I also think the world would be better off if I was dead, and everything just feels kind of hopeless. 

How's that song go?

"So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become"
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Jim H
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« Reply #36 on: February 03, 2012, 11:35:32 PM »

Some might call that being a "one-woman man." And good on ya for that.

Yeah, might be good except that I'm starting to think that might be pretty literal with me.  As in, not sure that I can ever care about someone as much again.  Being in that relationship was the happiest time in my life, and one of the things that makes it harder to deal with now is the thought of never reaching that point again.  It doesn't help that I have a difficult time relating to the large majority of people on anything but a superficial level.  Or that my tastes in women are strange and eclectic (that describes her, probably the strangest woman I've ever known well, even though she's totally unaware of it).  It felt like I'd found my one-in-a-million, and I blew my chance, ya know?

I don't know.  I'm probably speaking too soon, as in the larger scheme it hasn't really been that long, and I'd just never been hurt as badly before.  I am with someone else now and that does help at least.

Quote
I myself have always had relationships with women, and the only one-night stand I ever had was very disagreeable to me. I'm also not a "serial relationship" kind of guy either. I've had long stretches in my life of having no relationships. Sure it got lonely at times, but I was always pretty comfortable in my own skin and content with being alone. In other words, I'm more inclined to fantasize about being alone than being with someone else. On one occasion my wife asked me if she died if I would move on and find someone else. A morbid quesion perhaps, but one that I think most couples have eventually. I told her I would be pretty devastated, and while I might move on one day, the likelihood is that I would probably just be alone either for a long time or permanently. Part of this is because she is just the one for me and that's that, but part of it is because I wouldn't want to try and develop that intense closeness again. I don't think I would have anything left in me to do it again.

Perhaps that sounds very sad to some, but hey, life is full of sadness. It's not like I wouldn't find something that gave me joy, it just wouldn't be another relationship. So, yeah, some of that is being a "one-woman man," but part of it is just me being me, a non-social butterfly who prefers a small number of relationships. Besides, my kids would keep me plenty busy and fulfilled, I'm sure.

I think it's a sign of a healthy mind to not NEED a relationship actually.

For what it is worth I too can be happy alone, just not as happy.  And that makes me less happy knowing this.  Reminds me of the Calvin & Hobbes strip where Calvin demands Euphoria, thus ruining his current happiness.  Heh.

Quote
My point is that life is just life. It's got plenty of sadness. What are you gonna do? Eliminate the sadness? It can't be done. If I have a choice between life with sadness or no life at all, I'll take life with sadness. I have yet to see any point to self-hatred.

There's certainly no POINT to it.  Sometimes it's just hard to avoid.  Impossible for some.  Me, I sometimes waver back and forth.  I don't know how to totally eliminate it.
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