IMV VERTRIEB INTERNATIONAL MEDIEN
KARAT FILM INTERNATIONAL
CLAUS KAKA PRODUCTIONS
The Characters:Michael Gold: Brandon Lee
Mercenary man and agent for hire who is sent to Namibia to locate and encourage a scientist to defect to the USA. Ends up by p**sing off the locals, some sundry Cubans, their die-hard Russian commander, his Nazi human head hunter and the unwary viewer of this film.Alissa: Debi A Monahan
The Professor’s sexy, blonde, beautiful, thigh-holster sporting alleged daughter who continually falls out of her dress. She has vunderful muscles..ermmm, boobies. Professor Braun: Ernest Borgnine
The Professor (who else) whose talent for laser technology aided by diamonds makes him a tug of war target between the USA and the USSR: his lack of talent at a credible German accent makes him a target for assassination by the German people for language abuse.Colonel Kalashnikov: Graham Clarke
Virtually indestructible Russian soldier who goes up against Gold, an explosion, a speeding Land Rover and a wall. Now known as Wall E. Mortar - Plaster.Dieter Eckhardt: Werner Pochath
Renegade Nazi living in a desert castle who likes to dart people and then hunt them ~ the loser of the hunt gets his/her own specimen jar in said Nazi bozo's display room. Spiked.Manuel: Pierre Knoessen
Idiot soldier and terrible driver who realizes that “this way” can sometimes mean “that way”. Is such an idiot that he doesn’t realize his Sergeant is actually a rather attractive woman.Sergeant Roberta: Maureen Lahoud
The whiskey swigging superior officer of the above who learns that “that way” can sometimes mean “this way”.QUOTES:
Guard: “Hee hee: dey gonna cut yor head off, manana!
Gold: “I don’t work for America. I work for money.”
Professor Braun: “Hoo arr yew und ghau doo yew no me?”
Eckhart: “I expect your cooperation, Professor!”
Gold: “That’s Mr a***ole to you!”
Gold: “Blade needs sharpening.”
Guard: “Hee hee: acqui
, yankee! Get back!”
Gold: "I dare you to do that again."
Eckhart: “Before you kill yourself, think of this room and your daughter in it.”
Gold: “I just dropped in to say ‘Bon appétit!’ "
Gold: “I don’t remember any trial.”
Kalashnikov: “You were asleep. We whispered.” THINGS TO AVOID[NB: THE AAAARRRRGGGHHHH INDICATES THE USAGE OF ‘MERCENARY MAN’]
1:17: Great song: I hope I never have to hear the [expletive deleted] thing again.
1:22: Yes, lady, you ARE on camera.
1:50:Ladies and gentlemen: the lovely Diana Tilden-Davis, Miss South Africa 1991.
2:09: 526 carrots? Bugs Bunny: eat your heart out.
2:22: That diamond has its’ own light source. Weird.
2:30: Memo to self: Don’t drink South African champagne if it has a smoke bomb in it.
x2: is this [expletive deleted] song playing in the customs office too?
4:54: That guy just walked twice through the same door: WTF?
5:28: Hmm: Nice day on the beach: my testicles have shrunk to nothing.
8:00: No, not nein
, he’s only going to shoot you once.
8:40: I guess the only rights you have in this country are the last ones.
11:26: That storeroom worker must be stone deaf and blind as a bat not to have seen him coming.
11:31: Is that your food tray I feel or are you just glad to see me?
12:06: Nein, mein Liebling schön, es ist Trevor mit einem crazy ass Striker Shotgun!
12:33: That was a weird cut: Now I know a dead guy edited this mess.
12:36: The puffball skirt? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
15:44: Gold: "I tried toilet water but the lid kept hitting me on the head."
17:20: WHAT DO YOU SEE? [SLAP] “I see little tweety birds, Captain.”
18:24: That is one bad-ass hat, man.
24:06: AAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!24:40: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A ROOF AND A LUNCH TABLE!
24:51: That lion is so not impressed by all that’s happening.
27:07: Oh no, Joe Stewardson: what the hell are you
doing in this mess?
Don’t they have any other [expletive deleted] music to play?
31:55: Umm… is she trying to look sexy there or is she trying not to puke?
36:11: Hang on: who switched us over to a re-run of The Most Dangerous Game
39:28: I hate to admit it but that was a pretty decent action sequence indeed.
51:23: That poor horse even looks embarrassed.
56:11: Hee hee: that Mauser pistol doesn’t have a magazine in it.
58:49: Yo, man: why my ass be on fire?
1:03:20: That monkey is not stuffed: it wants out of the movie at all costs.1:03:25: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BRANDON LEE’S COJONES!
1:12:50: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN OIL DRUM
1:16:54: Ouchies: Even I couldn’t write a line as bad as that one.
1:18:40: She might be his liebschen
but ‘little’ she ain’t.
1:20:18: “Я хочу этот кровавый русский бы намек и умереть уже.”*
1:20:35: OK: I guess his character name should be Wall E now.
1:21:20: The end credits: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
* I wish this bloody Russian would take a hint and die already! LESSONS LEARNT
Only now do I understand the torture Badmovies.org Brother Retro Russell went through with Midnight
and its’ wonderful theme tune.
Beware of OAPs brandishing shotguns.
Russian military types do not come with a sell by date.
Wolf whistles are encouraged at a diamond exhibition.
A simple “Bon appétit
” will suffice for ruining a roof and a lunch.
Most films made in the 1980s have great scores. This ain’t one of those.
Always substitute a fully loaded AK 47 with a weird looking shotgun. It will kill less people but look way cooler.
Your passing in 1977 does not prevent you from editing a film in 1989.
South African diamonds have their own light source.
‘This way” can sometimes mean “that way”.
“That way” can sometimes mean “this way”.
Always whistle just before you clout the snot out of someone with an assault rifle.
Beware of domestic South African champagne if you don’t have an explosive personality.THE PLOT
Brandon Lee as Michael Gold has a problem.
Not only is he trapped in the supposedly fictional country of Namibia by a bunch of evil Russians, mixed up with even eviller Nazis and Cubans but he is also trapped into a terrible movie with a terrible script, crewed mostly by people who do not and did not exist, Ernest Borgnine with a terrible German accent, a guard who says “Hee hee: dey gonna cut yor head off manana
” a Russian colonel who (a) cannot spell the word Kalashnikov correctly and (b) is almost immortal, the director’s secretary as one of the stars, an actress wearing a low cut dress that almost imperils her treasures, an editor who passed away in 1977 and his non-existent assistants who rejoice in the names of E.Selavie and Bob Yrtuc. Se la vie, se la vie,
this movie’s not ours to see…… and WTF is a Yrtuc? Sounds like the start of an unpleasantly violent bowel movement or the noise you make while puking. In short, much like the crap we see on the screen once this movie starts. Not only the above, but he also has the problem of hearing Mark Knopfler’s brother Dave break wind and break into song every time the action seems to flag. After all the wind breaking, the flag that is hoisted is the flag of surrender.In the violence of the night
Where you hear a sound scream
(WTF?)He only knows where he is going to
(I bloody well don’t)It’s like a dream within a dream
(Please let me wake up)His heart beats like a hammer
(I’ll have my doctor look at him ASAP)Like the back-beat of a song
And the violence burns within himHe knows he don’t belong
(Sprachen sie correct Anglais?)He must be strong
He’s a mercenary man, mercenary man, mercenary man, mercenary man, mercenary man, mercenary man
………………..Oh, f**k it.
Yeah, the fire still burns…..
Turning wheels within a wheel AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
I wish those [expletive deleted] wheels would fall off!Only one thing is certainFor the price tag on every deal
Price?? I got royally screwed in this deal, I can tell you.
I’m glad that this film is in the public domain as I wouldn’t want to have to play royalties every time I used those lyrics: seeing that Andrew has Fair Use on his site, this would be Unfair Use. Anyway, back to the classic
that is also known as Fist of Blood
and Soldier of Fortune
. A credits sequence showing credits that whiz across the screen, including several names of non-existent people and manly men loading, cocking and firing rifles and shotguns with terrible back blasts leads us into a party hosted by a Trevor lookalike and Miss South Africa 1991, Diana Tilden-Davis who is probably the best thing about this movie. Cut to the credit sequence bozos clumping noisily down the stairs and another cut showing the huge diamond revealed, all lit from below. Wolf whistles [not at Ms Tilden-Davis but at the price of the diamond]*BANG* goes the South African domestic champagne, smoke pours over everything and everybody, bad guys pinch de diamond, they GTFO and we never see them again and no one seems to give a rat's ass about the paralyzed guests.
[He’s a mercenary man, mercenary man, mercenary man, mercen…….]SHORT PAUSE IN THE REVIEW WHILE TREVOR PRISES OFF THE LETTERS M E R C N A Y from his PC keyboard.
_ight, so o_ with this _ _ vi_w of this t_ _ ibl_ a_d ho _ _ bl _ fil_ fo_ A _ _ d _ _ w.
Y _ _ h th_ fi _ _ still bu _ _ s…………… _ _ _ _ GGHHHHH…….
Soooo, Michael lands up in Namibia – his mission is ostensibly to resolve conflict but he ends up starting one with the Russians and the Cubans ~ strange to have them there as at the time, Namibia (then known as South West Africa) was under the control of South Africa and had been so since the end of the First World War when the League of Nations ceded the territory to South Africa. But, the hell with historical facts (sorry, Indy).
Michael’s mission is actually to find the venerable Professor Braun, a specialist in laser technology and to convince him to get the hell off the beach where every guy’s crown jewels shrink to minute miniatures ~ so miniature are they that you would have to have a pair of tweezers and the contents of a pepper shaker to find them ~ and to have him defect to the USA. Unfortunately for Michael, his first meeting with Braun results in a close shave (geddit? Braun= shavers=close shave? Ha ha ha URKKK!) when he is darted by a renegade Nazi and wakes up in a cell where the guard whispers sweet nothings such as "Dey gonna cut yorr head off, manana
" to him. Added to this, he hears that he stands accused of treason in a trial that he cannot remember attending ~ the Russian colonel in charge tells him “You were asleep. We whispered.” On the day of his execution, the mercenary man busts out of the jail, stares at a half naked lady, clouts the snot out of a few people, slaughters everyone in sight and escapes to a warm welcome from his bosses of “You lost Braun: you [expletive deleted] up.” In order to prove that he is still a good guy and to stretch this sorry-ass piece of celluloid out even longer, he has to go back to the country and bring Braun back, however many close shaves he and the aged Professor might have to endure.I promise that will be the last time that I attempt to make a joke about the link between the Professor’s surname and a shaving implement.
After being airlifted back into the friendly country by a brauny, unshaven co-pilot named Wahl Gillette without BICkering with him at all and having a close shave when he accidentally lands in a tree, almost SCHICKing himself, * COUGH* he sets out to find the Professor’s daughter: a leggy blonde who proves to be a real handful, both as an assistant and later as a I-hate-your-guts-but-I-kind-of-like-you-so-let’s-get-it-on person. She is also a crack shot with a pistol that she keeps in a thigh holster. Alissa and Michael cross swords with the die hard Colonel Kalashnikov and his Nazi comrade Eckhart ~ the crossing of swords lead to many hair-raising stunts as chases take place on rooftops, in the streets, at the docks and in the desert, leading to Eckhart being spiked, Kalashnikov being blown up in an explosion and many good Windhoek citizens’ underpants being ruined as a result of the crazy street chases and the psycho Russian soldiers shooting at everything that moves ~ and the idiotic soldiers Manuel and Roberta aiding and abetting their every move while learning the meaning of the words “this way” and “that way”.
During the final showdown in the desert, it is revealed that the scriptwriters couldn’t find a proper ending for this film so Alissa is revealed (after almost revealing her treasures) as not being Braun’s daughter. Just in the nick of time, Braun’s real daughter arrives and so does the Colonel who seems to have nine lives, dragging himself up from the dust onto Gold’s car to finally finish the American off ~ the latter promptly steps on the Land Rover’s gas pedal, smashing it and the annoying hood ornament into a wall.
Smiles all around: movie’s over but my ears are still ringing from that annoying song………………..
My final word on this film? Just one: Oy.