Hi everyone
Long time no see
I haven't been on for a long time I know and I've missed you guys in my absence.
I had a heck of a year last year. I had 3 jobs back to back where I was bullied and hated being there. As most of you know, I also split with my partner and love of my life Sean during that time. So I had a hard time functioning and it took all of my focus and energy just to put one step in front of the other and get to work every day. Plus I was really sick for two months with the flu and trying to deal with that and a new job nearly did me in.
Because of this emotional turmoil, I did what I always do: I retreated into myself and tried to shut out the badness of the world. It worked, after a fashion. Being alone gave me the time and space to go deep into myself and discover what mattered to me most. I also analysed what I did wrong, what I did right, and what I needed to do to make things better for myself.
Self discovery is a hard road to travel but the rewards are worth it. For me inner peace is a constant journey and while I don't think I've found it yet, things are a lot better.
I now have a job that I really like with people who are nice and good to me and I enjoy going to work every day. It's only a temp job and my contract comes up for renewal at the end of next month. But they like me and the boss told me he will do everything he can to keep me there. I'm back in financial planning which I didn't really want, but I discovered bad jobs are about the people, not the industry.
So I have good people in a good job, even if the money is pretty crappy. But I promised myself I would chase the satisfaction and not the money, and that's where I am. I also promised myself I would withdraw from the world of love and romance.
I'm not good at it and I don't yet trust myself to make the right decisions about men. I have been attracting guys who are emotionally stunted in some way and that means that I am the same, because you can only attract what you are. But that's okay. Being alone is no drama for me and now that the dream of finding the love of my life is no more, it's forced me to look at other areas in my life that have been neglected for a long time.
So I'm just working and socialising a little with people from work and going out and about on my own and doing things that make me happy. I've even made my peace with Sean and we are exploring a platonic friendship with each other. That's been really hard for me because I think when you really love someone that doesn't just go away. It stays with you in some form and the trick is to make it work for your life instead of against it.
He's doing well with his emotional trauma. He's seeing a great counsellor and he's on medication for his panic attacks and anxiety and he's taking life day by day. I only usually see him once every few weeks and after each meeting, I assess how I feel about myself. It was hard the first half dozen times. But as I get stronger and more confident in myself, I don't feel bad after we see each other. I actually had coffee with him today and when I arrived home, there were no negative emotional effects at all.
Thank you to those of you who emailed me happy birthday for this month. My apologies for not answering but I didn't want to reach out to anyone until I felt like I had something in me that could I could reach out with.
I probably won't be on here every day but I will drop in and say hi and catch up with what's going on in Bad Movies world. I have missed everyone and I do remember all the support you guys have given me since I became a member. And I truly thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
So while I will keep hermiting myself away from the world, eventually that will pass and I will once more rejoin the human race and who knows, I may even feel like I have something inside me to give again.
Anyhow, that's enough of me. How's everyone else been going?
KB
