Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Copyright Company and Date: 2007 MovieHead Productions
Submitted by molokai cargoTHE CHARACTERS
Rod - Modern day financial genius and sales guy, Our Hero
Natalie - Victoria's Secret Cover Page model or real estate agent she cant decide, our Heroine
Natalie’s Mom – hopes her daughter finds a sugar daddy or a real estate job, a sensible voice in a crazy world
Rick – Buddy of Rod, a peacenik with a devil may care attitude, killed by Birds
Ramsey – Fellow refuge in the motel, weekend survivalist killed by Bird Vomit
Susan – Young Girl found under a car
Tony – Young boy found in trunk
Dr. Jones – passionate defender of Birds
Tom Hill Tree Hugger – At one with nature, except Mountain LionsLESSONS LEARNED
There is no transit in California
1 Hr photo is where all the action is
Fashion models are not materialistic
Even if the world is ending, you still have to go to work
Birds hover, not just Hummingbirds but Eagles and Vultures too
When hording make sure you leave a case of water
In a post-apocalyptic world, phones don’t work but they can charge your Credit Card
Car windows can be an effective deterrent to Bird attacks, … if you use them
The back of a van has everything you need
Kids love Fish and Seaweed, ... until they see itSTUFF TO WATCH FOR
8 mins - God, not another driving scene, over half the movie so far
11 mins – 1 Hr Photo fashion shoot, wahoo!
35 mins – Vampire pumpkin?
43 mins – a new dance craze using your elbows
45 mins - Dirty Feet during sex, yuck
47 mins - WTF, exploding Eagles
1:03 - Where did those neck slashes come from and why do they match?
1:08 – Didn't know Birds could do that
1:13 - What the gas is just 3 feet away, pick it up
1:17 – I hear a Mountain Lion, Gotta Go
1:27 – Meal fit for a kingNOTABLE QUOTES
Rick: "A date without sex is a day wasted”
Newscaster: “Currently there is 0% containment of this fire”
Rick: “If you want to get into their pants, you better have a nice hot Ferrari”
Rod: “The Eagles killed our friends, can we use your phone to call the police?”
Tree Hugger: “There is not enough rain in the water”THE PLOT
A self-described Romantic Thriller.
Open on endless driving shot at slow speed with looping 45 second sound track that is supposed to harken back to the days of Alfred Hitchcock. Credits roll underneath complete with grammatical mistakes. Finally car pulls up after longest credits since Superman in front of diner where our protagonist Rod is seated. At this point the true majesty of the audio track is revealed, every time the camera position moves the audio level and bg sound change and if synced is a complete accident. Rod spots our heroine Natalie and the chemistry is palpable. Rod watches her leave and decides to stalk her down the street. Rod chats her up & gets her #, mission achieved.
Cut to Rod back at home and here we receive our first of many environmental messages, this one about polar bears in decline and birds that are doing crazy stuff. More driving getting gas and traffic, in short 3 minutes of filler. Finally Rod arrives at work where he makes a big sale for 1 MILLION DOLLARS (After giving a 50% discount), high five. Natalie’s at a modeling shoot at the 1 hour photo, no context here but just a montage. Gets a call from her agency "Dream Models", (which is just a woman at a desk with a laptop) that tells her she just got the job as Victoria's Secret Cover Model, a pretty prize gig for a 1 Hour Photo shoot Model.
Same day, Rod gets in his car calls Natalie, turns out both had great days and Rod makes his move and asks her out for Vietnamese (director/producer Vietnamese, coincidence?). Celebrating his date Rod plays some basketball with Rick and we get our 2nd Environmental message, this time about its too damn hot.
3rd environmental message while Rod eats at home, this time about out of control wildfires and a Green Grand Prix race with Hybrid cars. 4th Environmental message, some guy comes by to quote on solar panel installation, hard bargaining ensues and Rod gets a good deal, … score. At this point it is clear that Rod is a master salesman.
Date time, more small talk. Rod explains his life goals in his standard reading a bedtime story delivery, his life mirrors exactly the Producer/Directors life except Rod is way more successful. Banter occurs and there is electricity, go out on the town which means more driving and parking shots. Rod takes a stab at coming inside Natalie’s house and strikes out.
Meanwhile the next day Natalie goes to visit her Mom and gets the sage advice of trying to find a rich husband if she can’t make the million dollars she gets from Victoria’s secret last.
Back to business as Rod’s company gets sold for, wait for it, A BILLION DOLLARS. Much clapping happens, as a matter of fact the clapping picks up speed as the employees two at time figure out they have stock options. Cue handshaking, high fives and whimsical music.
Environmental message 5, Rod and Rick double date and go and see An Inconvenient truth, Rick wants to get a hybrid. Rod starts a Solar company, that does what I am not quite sure but that just stresses he’s a good guy. Needs 10 MILIION DOLLARS to start it and like the Sales King he is, seals the deal and celebrates by taking Natalie to a pumpkin festival, a parade & the Ocean. Later a visit to Nathalie’s ever waiting Mother capped off with a trip to a local pub where they are the only people at. Words are hard to explain what happens next. In an empty pub some guy stands up starts singing with no backing instruments a song that describes the fun of “Hangin out with my Family” and the two dance in the most ridiculous fashion, it seems these two were meant for each other. All this leads to Rod scoring at a motel in what can be described as a sex scene most catholic churches would approve of.
Welcome to the middle of the film.
At the almost exact half way point the Film turns dramatically from Romantic to Thriller in 1 frame. Outside birds are dive bombing s**t with some actually blowing up on impact. The transition is like getting hit on the head with a frying pan. Along with exploding, these birds can hover, waiting outside the motel for some sap to come out so they can do their worst. Their squawking wake up Rod and Natalie who go, ... WTF is going on. It needs to be said that these CGI Eagles were done by someone with very rudimentary Microsoft Paint skills. Cannot begin to describe how badly done they are, .... but menacing they are. The birds start attacking and the pair throw a mattress in front of the window and declare "that will hold em". Coast clears and Rod and Natalie find fellow survivors at the motel and decide to make break 4 it. Armed with wire coat hangers the group successfully fight off the Eagles and get in Ramsey’s van. Inside it turns out Ramsey, who looks like a University Volleyball player has an impressive stash of Guns, some fully automatic AK 47’s. They drive on a highway with what seems to be just regular traffic (no one else seems concerned about exploding gangs of Eagles) , (guess they didn’t have the budget to stop traffic), randomly shooting at birds. They find a young girl hiding under a car and a boy in the trunk and take both with them.
The gang decides to go for a picnic lunch with the food they just hoarded, out in the open. They look in the swamp and see an old guy with a mask on the bridge and approach. It’s Dr. Jones and he has an answer for all this nonsense. Its environmental message #6, Global warming is giving Birds Sars, West Nile and Bird Flu, the linkage sounds tenuous but he goes on to say that he is not afraid of the Birds but of human. The gang heads out. Meanwhile Rod and Ramsey talk about Peace with matching weird marks on their necks out of nowhere.
The girls have to go to the washroom, in an open grass field and Ramsey’s girlfriend gets attacked by a bird and killed. Ramsey is torn up but he and Rod in a fit of revenge decide to rescue occupants of a double decker bus under siege. Ramsey and the Bird Hostages get thrown up on by the birds. In a fit of drama class acting the group succumbs to the toxic vomit and dies.
Leaving Ramsey and bus people in a puddle of vomit. The gang heads to a gas station where the owner wants to charge ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS a gallon for gas, Rod gripes then pays. Gas station is attacked and pump blown up by a dive bombing bird. On the road again the gang is held up by some cowboy guy with a broken down truck, just as he is getting away a Bird flies by and slashes his throat, with its wing. Rod high tails it leaving the gas can even though he is 3 feet away from it, Pick the damn thing up this is the bloody Apocalypse!!!!!
The post-apocalyptic world is a strange place, The gang meets a self-described “Tree Hugger” and of course we receive environmental message 7 as he explains that the Eagles are only going after people in cars and gas stations. Well not exactly but why f**k with a good story. A forest fire, which graphically looks like burning matchsticks on a green screen starts, fake coughs ensue and the Gang heads for the ocean in this strange new world. Out of gas and food, Rod goes fishing in the rocky wave crashing surf and because he is so awesome catches a fish while Nathalie and Kids gather seaweed. Throw it whole in a pot with seaweed and Voila, a dinner for the future.
The birds make one final attack then cue the dramatic music as the Birds fly off across the ocean, presumably to richer lands where Global Warming does not exist. There is no explanation given, the world it seems will go back to normal minus a few Eagles.
I really wish I had been in this movie, a True Classic. The Citizen Kane of Bad movies!