Transformers 3

[akiratubo]

I was forced to watch this tonight by my lady friend.  She fell asleep about halfway through.  I really wanted to turn it off but I was trapped beneath her legs, which were sprawled over me, and the remote was too far away to reach.  The main problem is that Michael Bay simply refuses to treat the Transformers as characters.  Hell, most of them don't even get names.  They are nothing but props, even Optimus Prime.

The first part of the movie is Shia TheBeef beefing out at job interviews.  Then John Malkovich shows up in a pointless cameo.  TheBeef's new, British girlfriend shows off her enormous lips and heavily padded ass.  Frances McDormand shows up to act like a b***h.  McDreamy shows up to act like an a***ole.  Every few minutes, a Transformer wanders into the shot to remind us that, hey, there are giant robots in this movie.

Then the last hour and change is a single, continuous action scene.  Leonard Nimoy-Autobot kills Scottish-sounding Autobot, assembles a space bridge, and teleports Cybertron to Earth's orbit.  Megatron sits around picking out pieces of his brain.  A Decepticon (Starscream?) tries to kill TheBeef, highly ineffectually.  A building falls over.  Stuff blows up.  There's a giant worm.  Humans kill Decepticons.  Every now and then, an Autobot shows up for a few seconds without really doing anything.  Then it all ends with John Turturro kissing Frances McDormand while breaking the fourth wall.

Eh.  That's pretty much it.  Eh.  That's the only feeling this movie could call forth in me.  Frankly, I wrote better Transformers stories when I was still in 2nd grade.