TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 111
GOLDEN HARVEST / TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX 1992
MASTER SPLINTER: JAMES MURRAY
Father figure to the Turtles and wise ninja master: wiser than most honorable wise-ass Trevor who writeth: Non gratum anus rodentum. LEONARDO: MARK CASOHe’s the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop…
Our fearless blue-masked leader who takes his brothers on a time travelling trip in search of their friend who’s had a nasty run-in with an ancient egg timer.
DONATELLO: COREY FELDMAN / JIM RAPOSA
The turtle with the purple and the turtle with a different body and voice.RAPHAEL: MATT HILL
AKA Trevor’s alter ego. The red dude with the red hot ‘tude: loves being referred to as ‘an ugly lump of dung’. As we all would.MICHAELANGELO: DAVID FRASER
The orange party dude with the pizza attitude: attempts to start a pizza franchise in feudal Japan which fails when he clonks the blacksmith in the head with a hot pizza.APRIL O NEILL: PAIGE TURCO
The friend who has the run in with the egg timer. Lovely lady, good actress but turn the Paige and bring back Judith Hoag, please…..
CASEY JONES: ELIAS KOTEAS
Elias Elias Koteas Koteas appears appears twice twice in in this this movie movie in in order order to to compensate compensate him him for for not not appearing appearing as as Casey Casey in in the the second second Turtles Turtles movie movie.
LORD NORINAGA: SAB SHIMONO
Dumbass Daimyo in 16th Century feudal Japan, also Don King impersonator: his name rings a bell and his mullet rivals Ghouck’s.CAPTAIN WALKER: STUART WILSON
Captain of an English trading vessel: has in his possession a LETHAL WEAPON from whose destructive force there is NO ESCAPE and has an amazing HOT FUZZy hair mullet. Drowns in mid-air.NILES: JOHN AYLWARD
Walker’s filthy, seedy, sexy (ewww) yes man, no man, and three bags full man who runs away screaming when the distinguished, age old rites of Wet Willie are enacted on him.YOSHI: TRAVIS A MOON
Young boy in the rebel village who longs to be a ninja like his four friends from the future: rescued from a burning hut by a Kurt Russell impersonator.WHIT: ELIAS KOTEAS
Casey’s sleazy 16th century counterpart who changes allegiances as much as I change my undies. Sorry: I am a liar: about my undies, that is, not Whit.KENSHIN: HENRY HAYASHI
Hot-tempered time-traveling emo son of the Daimyo – signs up for dance classes to express himself to his warrior woman Mitsu.MITSU: VIVIAN WU
The tough warrior woman mentioned above: will not give way even in the face of a lame line like “So, what’s your sign?”LESSONS LEARNED:
Underpants can be beneficial to time travelers.
Blacksmiths do not take kindly to being frisbee'd in the head with a hot pizza.
The age old rites of Wet Willie were unknown in the 16th century.
Calling someone an ‘ugly lump of dung’ is considered a compliment in some circles.
Ninjas are expert hairdressers.
Walkmans were considered evil in the 16th century: they also played long after being split apart by sword blows.
The phrase “my jail is very full’ is a euphinesm….a youfor…..oh sh*t: another phrase for ‘take no prisoners’.
Television sets apparently did not work in the 16th century.
Some names ring a bell with some people.
The word ‘kappa’ does not only apply to a brand of clothing.
The music of ZZ Top
can augment a ninja workout session.
Pizza franchises were not viable businesses in 16th Century Japan.
Picking up a mislaid samurai sword will start a New York train running.
16th century cooks are allergic to flour.
Television can be a fight deterrent.QUOTES:
Casey: “Hah…ancient wusses.”
Michaelangelo: “Oh, he who dings the shell must pay!”
Raphael: “Son of a snapper! LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Norinaga: “You disgraced my ancestor but you will not disgrace me. Kill them.”
Paquita: “Skull! We will both die but only one of us with honour.”
Raphael: “Hey, fat boy!”
Leonardo: “There. Short enough for you?”
Michelangelo: “I’m not peeking: I’m spelunking for pork rinds.”
Walker: “Love to stay and chat but places to go, people to kill.”
Norinaga: “Go ahead. Finish me.”
Michelangelo: “Pizza. Got that, dude? [burns fingers] Pizza. Ow, ow, ow.”
Walker: “Excuse me, Niles. Shouldn’t you be trying to scare somebody?”
Donatello: “Who frisbeed me in the face?”
Raphael: “I’m gonna get that guy! Did you hear what he called me, Leo?”
Leonardo: “OK, go ahead, punk: make my day.”
Niles: “WO-MAN. We want WO-MAN.”
Raphael: “Turtles 1: Daimyo Zip!”
Michelangelo: “Hey bud! Don’t you know westerns are dead?”
Norinaga: “Walker? Waaallllkkkkerrrrrrrr……… yorrrrrrr aliiiiiiivveeeee…”
Splinter: “Ohayo, gozaimas…”
Michaelangelo: “Cappa? Cappuccino? Nah, makes me hyper.”
Donatello: “Whoa: bungee jumping without a bungee…”
Casey: “Hey Raph, how’d your brain implant go, good?”
Honor Guard: “Hockey, sama, hockey.”
Donatello: “You have that effect on people, don’t you Master?”
Niles: “Oh whaddya lookin’ at, yer ugly lump of dung?”
Donatello: “Ohayo, wasabi!”
Raphael: “Hello mustard?”
Raphael: “Psst…hey, it’s Wet Willie time, Mo!”
Walker: “My God! Who’s your tailor?” [We’re naked]
Michaelangelo: “Frisbee. Also cool.”
Donatello: “Pick up the pace, Smithy-san: we’ve got to have that scepter done by tonight. “
Niles: “It’s me again, fatso san…..”
Michelangelo: “Clint Eastwood? Nahh……”
Donatello: “Oh look: Don King.”
Raphael: “Hey, I don’t kiss on the first date, lady…”STUFF TO WATCH OUT FOR:
1:16: [Guy hitting head on trees] Ow, there go the history lessons…. Ow, I can’t remember my Dad…
1:59: As Tom Servo said in Zombie Nightmare
: “I love the ‘ting’ sound!”
2:43: Whoa: ninja be too funky.
3:33: Too much funky, I says.4:05: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BOOM BOX!
4:41: Oh great continuity error: now the radio’s been fixed again.
12:32: Whoa: Hide the children! Blatant sexual reptilian innuendo! 14:39: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WALKMAN!
17:17: Great! Badmovies.org Brother Circus is in the house!
22:00: Could be worse: one of those dudes is wearing my undies.
27:00: Umm…whazzat about a pig stinking?30:00: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST JOHN AYLWARD’S EARS!
31:00: Raphael: “Greetings, large person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant Daimyo person.”
31:28: “Danger, Will Robinson! Low bridge!” Whoops: too late.
32:24: I think I saw those guys at the sewerage works in Pretoria.42:10: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST STUART WILSON’S HEAD!
48:14: I already saw that stunt in Force 10 From Navarone
, I think.
51:36: Uh-oh: Emo-san freak-out!52:28: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TURTLE’S NERVOUS SYSTEM!
53:02: RANDOM ACT OF EDIBLE VIOLENCE AGAINST A BLACKSMITH’S HEAD!
1:06:05: At long last, my undies are clean. Yuck.
1:09:06: Did she just call him Skull? Paquita: what’s your hubby doing in this?
1:12:50: All I can say to that is
1:15:25: Is that Colonel William Travis drawing a line in the sand?
1:16:36: No, not Don King but Ghouck.
1:16: 45: A geek ran through here? No, I left long ago.
1:19:00: Walker: “I am damned unsatisfied to be killed in this way.”
1:24:05: Oops: that dummy fell over twice.
1:26:40: I love these final minutes ~ I can never be depressed after seeing these.
1:30:00: Tarzan Boy
? God bless you, Jimmy McShane.THE PLOT
Out of a blood red sun in feudal Japan in 1603, some riders pursue a lone rider and not because they are in dire need of a loan, but because they are hauling ass to try and catch the Daimyo’s son who, being a typical teen, has sneaked out of the castle to go and have some suck face with the fearless leader of Those-Who-Hide-In-The-Woods-and-Poo-There-Too, Mitsu. After a lackluster fight in which their clashing swords give out a mighty PING, PING, the unlucky emo teen is captured.
An abrupt cut and we are back in the twentieth century where the Ninja Turtles are bringing some much needed royalties to ZZ Topp, all the while doing a ninja exercise under the approving eye of Master Splinter: the exercise ends when Raphael spears the ghetto blaster with his sai.
[I could chuck in an Afrikaans joke here about a sai weapon that ‘saai’s verwoesting’
(sows destruction) but I will not.
]All of a sudden……………………………………NOTHING HAPPENS!
But it happens suddenly.
April arrives in the Turtles’ lair, loaded down with all kinds of crap from the market, including a giant egg timer which, once she blows the dust off it, proceeds to transport her back to the 16th century and the emo kid to the 20th, who promptly makes a mess of his undies when a giant rat greets him in his own language.
Although male turtles don’t lay eggs (due to all the cheese on the pizza, no doubt) the plan to go back to the 16th century is hatched, with the turtles vanishing courtesy of the eggy thingie and Badmovies.org Brother Circus arriving to take care of the nervy 16th Century Putz. Not long after, four very nervous honor guards appear in the turtles’ places. One of the guys has good reason to be nervous as he is wearing ______________’s undies. Fill in the blank, you know you wanna. ;)
In the good old 16th century, the Turtles appear to blend in very well with the scenery and the almost laid back lifestyle between all the raids on the villages by the Emo Kid’s dumbass father and his British pirates for hire, led by Stuart Wilson as Walker: a man with a HOT FUZZy mullet hairstyle from which there is NO ESCAPE and his LETHAL WEAPON, an awesome cannon.
After impersonating the Daimyo’s honor guards and being insulted by Walker’s yes man Niles, they introduce the latter to the age old rites of Wet Willie and rescue April along with Casey’s scuzzy ancestor named Whit. The four brothers lose one of their number to the rebels who imprison him in a cage that it would take a child about three seconds to bust out of and during a fight with the rebels in an otherwise peaceful setting, they find out that (a) turtles don’t kiss on the first date and (b) Michelangelo is in the care of the rebels.
En route to the village: uh oh, here comes trouble. Someone has tried to wash _________’s underpants and the bloody things (there’s blood in there too???) have caught fire due to the friction. Action reigns supreme as Walker and his feelthy pirates loot, burn and pillage the village, acting like drunk extras from Paul Verhoeven’s Flesh + Blood.
I should include all the stars of that film: all of them looked slightly addled.
At this point in the movie, it becomes as clear as mud that our four reptilian friends had ancestors themselves who kicked many a Daimyo backside way back when and their looks are enough to frighten anyone, including the pirates and their fearless, wimpy leader. One Backdraft
inspired Kurt Russell rescue later, little Yoshi is rescued both from a burning home and from certain death by CPR being applied, at which the villagers re-enact a scene from a movie not yet made where they bow to the turtles.
Riggghhhhhttttt…..back to the 20th century where our friend Circus has introduced the five lost worriers to the charms of ice hockey and has taken them on a trip to see the future: the latter trip being a round the corner hop to the local bar where they get down to the beat of Baltimora’s Tarzan Boy.
One of them falls in love with the television set and Emo-san signs up at a dance academy in order to impress Mitsu when he returns.
Hang on: how does he know he’s going to return? Oh, he’s read the script, I see.
Back in feudal Japan, the egg timer is missing: gasp, shock, horror, so Donatello assigns the village blacksmith to build them another once his halitosis has cleared up and the unlucky smithy has removed the solid kiln fired pizza base from the back of his head. The blacksmith’s work disappears down the well and Mitsu is kidnapped by Walker under orders from Norinaga after the turtles locate the lost scepter under the floor.
So another rescue is on the cards, this time through the tunnel where the contents of __________’s undies are regularly dumped and Norinaga’s castle is invaded by not only the ‘demons’ from the future but also their friends from the present. They join up in a skull-bashing free for all which ends with Norinaga getting a mullet, Niles giving himself a wet willie and the hapless Walker falling off a cliff and drowning in midair.
The Emo-san Kid activates the egg timer, sending himself and his buddies back to the past and our five friends back to the future, leaving them with a smoking egg timer, Master Splinter with a lampshade squashed on his head, Michelangelo with a smile on his face and the rest of us 80s kids with a very warm feeling as the strains of Baltimora’s Tarzan Boy
take us back to a happier, quieter time.
Out of time, out of luck, out of patience, out of pizza….
This whole film reminds me of a post that Badmovies.org Brother Jack made several years ago, talking about an incident in his home town where a crazy lady was arrested for an assault with a hot pizza and a knife.
In other words, a scary situation as the Turtles of the first movie are almost unrecognizable in thought, word, deed and presence, the latter is made even more problematic in that for much for the time, we hear phrases such as “I’ll be back!” (Said before jumping into a sewer) and “We’re naked!” (Said in answer to a query about who their tailor is) and there are no discernible mouth movements. I should have also made reference to Jack saying another assault was carried out in his home town, this time with a squeegee and a windscreen, but nahh….. ;)
The entire above aside, Stuart Gillard’s film is a comedic romp through time and space – most of the space being between the ears of Captain Walker, his yes man Niles and the airheaded Daimyo Lord Norinaga. In fact, ears play a large role in this film, as we see Niles suffering the mystical, terrifying rites of the evil practice known to and feared by all as WET WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not once, but twice.
This film is made more or less like Gillard’s strange World War 2 comedy romp A Man Called Sarge
with its’ weird theme tune Jesus Was A Black Dude
and a band of motley troops including a Native American speaking in a stereotypical fashion because ‘people expect him to talk that way’. Like in the latter film, sight gags abound in this, especially the wise Master Splinter channeling Elvis with a lampshade squashed on his head.
I enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed the first two films directed by Steve Barron and Michael Pressman but I am so not looking forward to the live action film reboot. South African born Jonathan Liebesman is directing it, but the Turtles and Splinter have always been in my heart as otherwise normal animals exposed to a toxic spill, not pizza eating aliens. The person who thought up this reboot ought to be treated like one of the foot soldiers in one of the TMNT graphic novels who ends up by getting himself thrown headfirst into a toilet bowl.