THE PROTECTOR [aka EXPLETIVE DELETED]
Golden Harvest Productions / Eurasia [Lost] Investments, 1985
Submitted by Trevor THE CHARACTERSBilly Wong: Jackie Chan
Excitable and impetuous Hong Kong policeman on loan to the NYPD whose ‘apprehending’ of a cop killer by blowing up half the New York harbour gets him a roasting from his Captain, a spontaneous round of applause and busted back to crowd control.
Danny Garoni: Danny Aiello
Billy’s Italian-American buddy who never travels anywhere in South East Asia without an Uzi.Michael Alexander: Patrick James Clarke
Billy's erstwhile partner who is gunned down during a botched bar heist: his final words to his partner cause Billy to blow up half the [expletive deleted] New York harbor in bringing the criminal down.Harold Ko: Roy Chiao
Hong Kong crime boss, pimp, drug smuggler, nice guy and city benefactor who goes up against Billy and Danny and gets himself stir-fried medium rare when he is involved in a very weighty decision taken by Billy.The Captain: Victor Arnold
AKA Oscar The Blue Grouch: Billy and Danny’s [expletive deleted x 100] grouchy, blaspheming, grumpy commanding officer who cordially dislikes them: awards them the Departmental Medal of Honor at the end, though.Benny Garucci: Bill Wallace
Martin Shapiro’s ex-karate champion chief enforcer who, in a one on one fight with Billy has a rather nasty accident involving a wet angle grinder and a fuse box. Superindendent Whitehead: Richard Clarke
Veddy British, veddy angry, veddy anal and veddy corrupt chief of the Hong Kong Police. Gets the veddy pus squeezed out of him by the Odd Couple.Martin Shapiro: Ron Dandrea
The Howard Hughes businessman in this ~ not ever seen nor heard from during this film. The loss of face suffered by Harold Ko in Hong Kong infiltrates New York where Shapiro literally loses his.Laura Shapiro: Saun Ellis
Strange name for a pretty lady: Shapiro’s daughter who gets her pretty self kidnapped by a SWAT team during a fashion show.Stan Jones: Kim Bass
Ex SEAL who joins up with Danny and Billy in their [expletive deleted] tour of Hong Kong.Lee Hing: Kwan Yeung
Uncredited Hong Kong informer whose assistance to Billy and Danny gets him the chop. Fried medium rare, shot, stabbed, insulted, assassinated and asked to take his junk and leave Hong Kong. Soo-Ling: Moon Lee
Lee Hing's whiny daughter who should have ended up in Victoria Harbour instead of aiding our heroes.LESSONS LEARNED
Thou shalt never disturbeth Jackie Chan whilst he taketh a pee.
I should have actually bought the version of this that has topless ladies working in the drug lab.
The only Barb Wire you can safely grab is Pamela Anderson.
Always hide behind a mains box as it is about to explode.
The Japanese make the best bullet proof vests.
Knuckle dusters are no good to a martial artist.
This movie’s Mandarian title is Wai lung mang tam
but it is also known as “EXPLETIVE DELETED”.
Never stop for a red traffic light in the Bronx, especially if you’re from out of town and you’re carrying a cargo of computers.
You have to launch yourself into the air to shoot correctly and take down a bad guy in the process.
A martial arts fight can sometimes lead to a shocking conclusion.
You can cock a pistol simply by rubbing it on your sleeve.
A shoulder wound will bleed far far more than a gut shot.
It takes a SWAT team to crash a fashion show. EXPLETIVE DELETED QUOTES
Billy: “Listen you [expletive deleted]. It’s not your money we want, it’s your [expletive deleted].”
Captain: “No [expletive deleted] buts!”
Billy: "I told you the Japanese make great bulletproof vests!"
Danny: "Drop it, [expletive deleted]!"
Billy: "You're going to take me to Ko, [expletive deleted]!"
Danny: "Looks like a bunch of [expletive deleted] to me."
Billy: “Give me the [expletive deleted] keys!”
Danny: “That [expletive deleted] owns half of Manhattan, Billy.”
Ko: "This is all so un-necessary. Enjoy yourself, Benny."
Gunman: “That [expletive deleted] China-man don’t give up!”
Danny: "Hey, that's the Jumbo Restaurant but I don't recognize any of this other [expletive deleted]."
Captain: "That's no excuse for blowing up half the [expletive deleted] harbor!"
Danny: "How the [expletive deleted] should we know? They were wearing masks."
Billy: “You better watch out for Hong Kong mosquito wearing high heels.”
Danny: "If I have my [expletive deleted] out, I'm gonna use it."
Danny: “His name’s Benny Garrucci, he’s an ex karate champ. I’d like to bust his [expletive deleted] open with a crowbar, but you’re gonna have to hold him, he’s a tough [expletive deleted].”
Driver: "Hey! get off my car, you [expletive deleted]!"
Billy: “Tell Harold Ko we’re in town. His days are numbered.”
Captain: "Wong! Get the [expletive deleted] out of that thing!"
Danny: “Some punk pulled a knife so I kicked his [expletive deleted] teeth in.”
Michael: “[Expletive deleted]. Looks like the [expletive deleted] Indians got another one.”
Danny: “Give me that [expletive deleted] thing! Give it to me, come on!”
Garrucci: “Listen, you lousy [expletive deleted] [racial expletive deleted]. You keep bugging Mr Shapiro’s daughter, they’ll scrape you off the floor with a putty knife.”
Danny: "What the [expletive deleted]'s going on here?
Michael: “Get those [expletive deleted] Billy, get them.”
Danny: “He’s a real [expletive deleted] peach!”
Billy: “[Expletive deleted] is my middle name, sir.”
Gunman: "What the [expletive deleted]?"STUFF TO WATCH FOR
0:50: If this was the guy who built the Soccer World Cup stadiums in South Africa, we would never have had a tournament.1:50: Random act of violence against a truck!
7:24: I see that these New York bar toilets have really sh*t doors.
7:32: Is that really blood from a shoulder wound? Yikes.8:02: Random act of violence against a pinball machine!
9:31: The guy on your car’s hood just improved its’ appearance, buddy.
9:40: ACHTUNG! Barbed wire…………………………. Too late.
11:10: Uhhh…..guys? Little help?15:42: Random act of violence against the entire New York harbour!
22:25: Danny Aiello’s ding dong on display is not an image I want in my head, thank you. 27:30: Random act of insult against Chinese traditions!32:06: Random act of violence against a prostitute!
32:48: That is the camera crew reflected in the door……..33:06: Random act of violence against Jackie Chan’s cojones!
37:42: This looks suspiciously like stock footage from Enter The Dragon
47:42: A car flips with a single shot and one flick of a lighter blows it up? Wow: baaaad science.
1:02:33: Techie: “Why you pile Trevor’s dishonorable underpants in air conditioning duct?”
1:12:22: “Your bald spot’s treatment, sir: light application of a heavy jar to the head five times daily should be just fine.”
1:12:39: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OWWWW!!!!!!
1:16:22: Well, I guess stock in Harold Ko’s company is falling steadily.1:16:48: Random act of violence against a sniper!
1:18:31: That is very bad special FX: I can see where those squibs are planted.
1:19:45: Ouch: Perhaps Ko should have flown with Lao Che Air?
1:21:22: Ahhhh……. Nothing beats a good old drunk cowboy song sung by a drunk cowboy and played by a drunk band. [Trevor consults Google: WTF? The singer is Jon Voight’s BROTHER?]THE PLOT
A Texas truck driver stops for a red light in the Bronx and is almost immediately tailgated by a bunch of [expletive deleted: there will be a lot of those later] street thugs who target his cargo of computers, knocking him senseless as though saying “Welcome to New York: duck, [expletive deleted].” The cops on this case are the streetwise New Yorker Michael and his Chinese partner Billy Wong and whilst in a bar to celebrate Billy’s tenth year with the NYPD, a gang of hopped up low-lifes hold the bar up, killing Michael and destroying the toilet door, the backbar, the pinball machine and the main window. Billy sets off in pursuit of the crazed gunman who has hijacked a boat complete with stunt driver sitting below and manages to ruin the gunman’s day permanently by blowing his boat up with his well aimed speed boat, while the shrouded Lady Liberty looks on in dismay.
Billy’s reward for such bravery? A demotion to crowd control and a warm round of applause from his fellow policemen who, unlike his [expletive deleted] captain, appreciate Billy’s efforts in getting rid of another street thug. On duty that night, Billy and his partner Danny Garoni find themselves at the mercies of their glamorous host, the daughter of a well-known public benefactor with extramural activities, a welcoming bodyguard and an assault team which shoots the entire place up and vanishes with the host.
After being accused by their boss of having their ding-dongs out instead of their guns, the odd couple are sent packing……………………… by the Commissioner and a Justice Department representative on an all-expenses paid trip to Hong Kong to track down Harold Ko, a nasty, urbane crime king pin in that city who has managed to smuggle his American counterpart’s daughter into China without anyone knowing about it. Danny and Billy almost immediately butt heads with the butt head Superintendent Whitehead ~ a pre 1997 by the book cop who is just itching to get rid of the two hot-headed NYPD cops and also itching to have the pus squeezed out of him. The trail leads to Lee Ying, a well informed informer who pays for his assistance to Billy and Danny by having his junk torched and himself bound, gagged, disemboweled, shot, hung and asked to leave the country.
I must just add that the 'junk' that was torched was Lee Ying's Chinese boat and not his personal junk.
Thereafter, the assaults on Danny, Billy and the trail of destruction in the down-town Hong Kong area cause Whitehead’s blood pressure to build and his acne to erupt while Billy and Danny join forces with an ex SEAL and the bereaved Soo-Ling in order to rattle Harold Ko’s very secure cage. An assault on a concealed drug lab leaves Billy proclaiming that “the Japanese make good bullet-proof vests” (this after being shot multiple times) the Hong Kong – New York drug pipeline crippled and Danny having the seven colors of crap beaten out of him on a pool table by Garucci. In what proves to almost be his undoing, Billy strikes a deal with Ko to meet him at his shipyard in order to exchange Danny for Laura Shapiro but is slightly underwhelmed to find Whitehead holding her captive ~ Whitehead turns out to have been aiding and abetting Ko's activities for a long time and finds himself going nowhere, except to jail.
Ko announces “a final piece of entertainment” which is the signal for Garucci to take Billy apart ~ a brutal fight which comes to a shocking conclusion when Garucci has an unfortunate accident involving a angle grinder and a mains board. Ko wets himself and runs away to his helicopter, ordering his pilot to take off and his bodyguard to take care of Billy. The bodyguard falls a long way off a crane’s loading platform, making Harold Ko’s stock fall alarmingly with it, as well as a sniper who gets blasted off his tower courtesy of a portable cannon wielded by Danny. Ko’s world ends abruptly when his pilot positions the helicopter just below a weight which turns out to be a weighty decision for Billy as he drops it on Ko’s helicopter.
Back in New York, Officers Wong and Garoni are awarded the Departmental Medal of Honor by their still disgruntled Captain and then walk off with Michael’s son and widow on a glorious New York day, en route to their next assignment: crowd control.
This is one of those check-your-brain-in-at-the-box-office kind of films and was Jackie Chan’s second attempt to break into the US market after the dire failure of The Big Brawl
aka Battle Creek Brawl
, directed by Robert Clouse. The helmer of this expletive ridden potboiler was James Glickenhaus, who also gave us The Exterminator
and The Soldier
(aka Codename: The Soldier
) two films that, while they were very entertaining in their own way, seemed intent on showing us people dying screaming their lungs out and coughing up gobs of blood all over.
continues this fine tradition as it shows a bad ass character taking a bullet in the shoulder in a bathroom, the explosion of blood that results almost redecorates the entire wall behind him red. Violence is all in this film but it is one that stands more than just one viewing, the action never stops and there are few if any continuity errors in it ~ James Glickenhaus obviously felt that the best thing to do was to turn the camera on and let Jackie Chan do his thing, which was probably the best thing he could have done.
Some of the stunts under the direction of Jackie Chan and his stunt team ~ specifically those in Hong Kong ~ are quite incredible, such as Billy's relentless pursuit of one of Ko's thugs, employing a stolen motorcycle, a heart-stopping pole vault and various illegal usages of other people's boats. A stomach churning shot of a car flipping courtesy of a well-aimed bullet provides some action as do the final fights in the concealed warehouse and the crane versus lunatic with a MAC 10 machine pistol in a helicopter showdown between Billy and Ko. The stunts in New York are slightly less show-offish but the boat crashes and Jackie Chan himself being pulled out of the speedboat before it plunges into the unfortunate gunman's boat are quite something.
Another thing that was 'quite something' were the expletives from the fishermen whose tiny boat nearly gets swamped in the harbor chase.
According to research, the relationship between the director and star was not the best that one could have hoped for and as a result, there are two versions of this film, one for the Chinese market ~ where it was allegedly not one of Jackie Chan's highest grossing films, nor the most popular ~ and the other with far more violence for other markets. The pluses are Ken Thorne's music and the photography courtesy Mark Irwin CSC, the banter between Danny Aiello and Jackie Chan and the devastating results of way too much linguine and a portable cannon that blasts a poor old sniper into the next life.
One of my favorite guilty pleasures, surely but a pleasure to watch indeed. I am only sorry that I have the version of this film where the ladies in the drug lab are fully clothed. Damn.