MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE
ESCAPE PRODUCTIONS / MILENNIUM FILMS, 2005
TREVORTHE CHARACTERSJOHN SEEGER: STEVEN SEAGAL
Yea though he walks in the valley of shadow and in the glamor and glitz of Cape Town, he fears no evil for he carries the biggest guns in the valley and is the biggest muthaf***a in that aforementioned valley. MAXINE BARNOL: JACQUELINE LORD
Seeger’s gorgeous assistant and fellow mercenary who cannot make up her mind which side she is on: lucky she is handy in all combat situations. So handy in fact that no one wants to remove her handcuffs.ANTHONY CHAPEL: ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH
“Goin’ to the chapel and we’re going to go kablooiey…..” Seeger’s treacherous Black Oopsie composer / handler who pulls the strings once too often. Loves to listen to recordings of himself playing the piano and mess his undies in fear. Has an explosive personality. Blown up in his BMW because of bad music.JOHN DRESHAM: LUKE GOSS
Former Bros brother who teaches Seeger the meaning of the term ‘plausible deniability’. Arrested because of (a) bad acting, (b) an overdrawn ATM slip and (c) a terrible haircut.SAMUEL KAY: MICHAEL K. WILLIAMS
Seeger’s sullen, morose buddy whose only known reaction is to go “Oopsie” when a car explodes. Someone should tickle him and see what happens.BULLDOG: ADRIAN GALLEY
Seeger’s friend, supposedly from Michigan but he is as much from there as I am from Mongolia. A late witness to an almighty throw down in a toilet: fails to grasp the meaning of the phrase “Stay here”.KRUGER: LANGLEY JACK KIRKWOOD
Seeger’s South African buddy who switches his allegiances as often as I change my undies. Ermmm: he does switch them a lot. User of charming Afrikaans phrases like “Skiet hom in die hol”. Killed by a bazooka toting prison warder.DEKERK: VIVIAN BIELDT
Buddy to the above who gets himself nailed in a South African prison. Nailed as in shot dead, not nailed as in…. oh, forget it. MOTORBIKE ASSASSIN: GARTH COLLINS
‘Granite’ like nameless cruiser of and killer in men’s rooms who uses charming phrases such as “That’s it for you, poephol”. Takes no crap from anyone until he is used by Seeger to wipe the floor of a hotel bathroom.RADIO JONES: ZAA NKWETA
Seeger’s wartime buddy who ends up regretting bringing his friend into the battle and later regrets being in this movie in the first place. ACHMED DASAN: PETER BUTLER
Millionaire drug dealer, racketeer, murderer, smuggler and all around good guy whose son is being a bum chum to the other inmates in a South African prison. He has a unique way of showing he has run out of patience with someone.QUOTES:
Seeger: “You [expletive deleted] us and I’m not getting past that.”
Dasan: “There will be a bullet in your head, Mr Chapel.”
Seeger: “I’m going to shove my .45 up your [expletive deleted] and break every bone in your body.”
Dresham: “Sorry about Jones, huh?”
Seeger: “Us guys, we’re bad.”
Samuel: “Hey Kruger, you remember you said you’d rather die before you were integrated?”
Kruger: “You wanna dance, [expletive deleted]?”
Chapel: “[Expletive deleted] Yank! Excuse my language.”
Maxine: [cutting a thug’s throat] “This just ain’t your [expletive deleted] day!”
Seeger: “A***ole alert!”
Kruger: "We are free and clear, my brother!" *BOOM*
Seeger [climbing off the toilet] “You looking for me?”
Motorbike Assassin: “Yeah. That’s it for you, poephol!”
Seeger: “Let’s go have a cup of coffee.”
Seeger: “You have a gun! Breaking your own rules, I guess.”
Chapel: “I do stand corrected, sir.”
Seeger: “OK, maybe not right now.”
Chapel: “And how right you are, sir. I’ll see you on the next gig.”
Bulldog: [body crashes onto a car from a lighthouse] “Whoa: bad parking.”
Kruger: [drinking shooters at the bar] “Skiet hom in die hol!”
Maxine: “You mean you let that milquetoast p***y get away?”
Seeger: “Milquetoast? I always thought he had an explosive personality. [*COLOSSAL BANG*] Ain’t that terrible?”STUFF TO WATCH OUT FOR:
0:07: What’s with all these subtitles? Can’t we decide for ourselves who these bozos are?
0:10: Next subtitle: TREVOR T. MOSES: WEARER OF TROUBLING UNDIES.
01:36: Would someone please tell this moron that the word ‘Afrikaner’ translates as ‘African’?
04:13: Uh oh: Robert A. Ferretti, A.C.E.: editor of Gymkata.
Skills not improved on Mercenary for Justice
07:32: Geez: at least allow the family to finish their breakfast before you kidnap them!
08:26: Aww… poor doggie…
09:29: LOL: that gun’s barrel is bent!
14:54: “I need……. A good American dialect coach! Now!”
34:58: "S**t went down"? Oh, OK, so now he’s a plumber?
35:07:That phrase does not mean “give him a hug and call him brother”.
35:55: Welcome to Cape Town, my friends: the jewel of Africa.
50:00: The Afrikaans wordpoephol
is not a term of endearment: trust me on that one.50: 42 RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST GARTH COLLINS’ HEAD! OW!
1:00:07: Stupid POV shot: What are you telling me that for? I don’t care. 10:12:37: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST LUKE GOSS’s HEAD! OW!
1:18:41: Where did those bullet holes come from?
1:19:35: That is a very interesting camera move indeed.1:19:47: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BMW!
1:19:48: I have family living near that lighthouse: I’m glad that wasn’t their car parked there.
1:22:37: Whoever this actor is, he seems to be shooting for an Oscar for overacting.
1:24:40: It seems things are going to pot *COUGH* in this movie.
1:26:10: Yikes: Who the hell did Steven Seagal’s make-up?1:27:00: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST ANOTHER BMW!
1:27: 14: Ouch! Turn up the painkillers!LESSONS LEARNED
The Afrikaans word ‘poephol’ is not a term of endearment. Trust me.*
Sticking a pistol up someone’s bum will break every bone in that person’s body.
Plausible deniability is a blanket excuse used by a wet blanket.
The Afrikaans phrase “Skiet hom in die hol” does not mean “Give him a hug and call him brother”. **
Skid marks on Cape Town’s otherwise pristine streets cannot always be blamed on Trevor.
Prison warders have bazookas as standard issue.Slappee snotee
is considered to be a new martial arts skill.
Rifle barrels need a dosage of Viagra occasionally.
A safe house is not necessarily that when Steven Seagal comes calling.
Bullet holes on vehicle exteriors can appear as though by magic.
Wiping the floor with an opponent in lieu of a mop doesn’t usually happen in a bathroom.
A note to prospective parents: never christen your child “Radio”.
Skintight cat suits and high heels are the correct dress for female assassins.
The words ‘stay here’ actually mean “Feel free to join us in kicking ass”.
* It translates as ‘fart hole’: ‘poep’ [pronounced ‘poop’] meaning ‘fart’ and ‘hol’ [pronounced ‘hall’] meaning ‘hole’ and can also mean ‘a***ole’. My apologies, Andrew: I can’t believe I just typed that.
** It means ‘shoot him in the ass’ unfortunately.THE PLOT
After losing his war buddy Radio (pronounced RAAH-DEE-HO by the film’s chief baddie) Jones in a failed coup attempt on an island, the highly decorated Gulf War veteran John Seeger is first stung by remorse, then by several of the local killer bees and retires from the mercenary game after also being decorated in tons of guano by many of the thanks-for-feeding-me-so-I-will-s**t-on-you Cape Town seagulls. Unbeknownst to him, the audience of this movie and the former South African film industry rip-off artists once known as Nu World Services, the coup attempt was a double team act by a former Bros Brother and his intense friend Chapel to have one of their numbers killed to claim what is known as plausible deniability to shroud the failed coup de etat.
In other words, severe cinematic screenplay bullsh*t.
John does not stay long in retirement as the BBB (Bald Bros Brother) and Chapel devise a plan: to break an arms’ dealer’s son out of the most securely defended prison in South Africa, namely the Randveldt Prison, which, at first glance, looks like an abandoned underpants factory where severe explosions took place after filling an order for an anxious client from Pretoria. The arms dealer promises Chapel and the BBB two things if his son is released: (a) untold wealth if they succeed and (b) a bullet in the head if they mess with him and his illegally earned money. They turn to John Seeger and make him an offer that he can’t refuse – meaning that Don Corleone is holding RAHDEEHO Jones’ wife and child hostage and that ain’t no horse head malarkey.
John assembles his team in Cape Town, South Africa where he proceeds to usurp Trevor’s role in leaving skid marks on the pristine streets of that city and also to beat the crap out of a scary motorcycle assassin who greets him in a bathroom with the Afrikaans equivalent word of a***ole, only to get himself used as a bloody rag to wipe said bathroom. Thus an entirely crappy situation unfolds, including the discovery that some of the team members led by two stereotypically heinous South Africans, Kruger and DeKerk are deceived by Seeger’s team and attempt to escape, only to be blown up by Warder Brother Ghouck who just happens to have a missile launcher handy.
Added to the chaos, an “a***ole alert” and a bank transaction in the middle of Cape Town throws the normally chaotic Cape Town traffic into further chaos, leaving further skid marks on that city’s streets and an overly intense bank manager with a few more skiddies on his undies.
John and his team turn the tables on the BBB and Chapel with a police van that contains the power to have bullet holes in its’ bodywork appear as though by magic and lay siege to the Slangkop Lighthouse in Kommetjie, Cape Town, disturbing both the peaceful legacy that Sir David Lean left behind after filming the beach scenes for Ryan’s Daughter
nearby and members of Trevor’s family who just happen to live very close to that lighthouse.
No word on whether Seeger’s team managed to rescue Sarah Miles’ umbrella, Robert Mitchum’s wig or Sir John Mills’ teeth after the slaughter.
At the final confrontation in the safe house –which really isn’t so safe for the overacting soldiers guarding RAAHDEEHO Jones’ family when Seeger and Co come calling – all the soldiers are killed rather messily, RAAHDEEHO’s family is rescued and Chapel is allowed to drive away in his car, only to have it and himself blown to hell because of (a) terrible piano music, (b) the concealed bomb in that car and (c) the awful joke made by Seeger when Chapel goes kablooiey.
Not a bad movie at all which I could have reviewed thus: Steven Seagal fight shoot fire bang war in place that look suspiciously like unused plot of land in Cape Town + everyone scream + everyone go bang bing boom + rifle barrels need urgent Viagra dosage + loses war buddy due to plausible deniability + screwed over by his bosses + steals someone’s cell phone + has not run out of airtime + swears revenge + hook up with people who hate him + meets bad guy who talk like he has major size carrot jammed up rear entrance + other bad guy use phrase “Skiet hom in die hol” + SS shoot the [expletive deleted] out of people waiting for him + wipes floor with bad guy who compliments SS calling him a poephol + tries to do the boinga-boinga with pretty lady in pretty red dress + comes to Cape Town to take over from Trevor in leaving skid marks on that city’s streets + goes bang – bang- bangiddy – bang – bang and then bang bang all gone + causes major ATM withdrawal + and major headache for former Bros brother + hates BMWs + hates it when his weapons change due to bad continuity + hates lighthouses + and when people fall off them + lets his boss off the hook, only to blow him up in his car because of terrible music
But ultimately chose not to. Although my special brother Nic is the Steven Seagal fan in my extended family (with his favorite movie being Above The Law
) I must confess to a liking for the big man with the smooth moves, the quicksilver smile, the bone dry wit and the deadly martial arts moves which almost always result in some poor poephol (there’s that word again) getting on the wrong side of the man and thus getting himself maimed, injured or killed. Or worse.
By the description ‘big man’ and the aforementioned one’s qualities, I was referring there to my brother, not Steven Seagal, by the way.
The thought that he was coming to South Africa to film was great but the thought that he was actually working with NuImage / Millennium Films – the company that – known then as NuWorld Services - almost ruined our industry in the early 1990s – was one that made my guts turn over. I wonder how it can be possible that they almost never paid their actors and crew here and they now work with Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, among others, after allegedly getting chased out of South Africa by angry creditors?
Despite my misgivings, Mercenary For Justice
is a pretty solid piece of work and while not great, is full of action, nasty characters needing a killing badly, sexy female bad-asses (two of them), lots of plausible deniability, weirdly bent prop assault rifles begging for a dose of Viagra, explosions, gunfights, poor guys falling off lighthouses, assassins being used as mops in bathrooms and one unfortunate guy getting himself blown up in his own BMW.
That sounds exactly like my day to day life: I bid you a very warm welcome to it.