Zombeavers
Rated: R
slimes
Copyright Company and Date: Armory Films, 2014
Submitted by Ted CTHE CHARACTERSJenn - College girl who is glum because her boyfriend, Sam, cheated on her.
Zoe - Friend of Jenn who brings boys to the "boyfriend-free" retreat.
Mary - Friend of Jenn who did the cheating with Sam.
Sam - All-around jerk.
Buck - Semi-brainless boyfriend of Zoe.
Tommy - Jock boyfriend of Mary.
Smyth - Weird old guy who likes guns.
LESSONS LEARNEDDon't go on retreats to places that don't have cell service.
Metal canisters that store hazardous materials will float in water and ride rapids intact, but spontaneously burst on contact with a beaver dam.
Everything about a zombie is contagious.
Beavers are good at tunneling.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR2 mins - Amusing credit sequence.
3 mins - That barrel of hazardous chemicals looks awfully empty.
7 mins - GRATUITOUS ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE VIEWER'S EYES13 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT
16 mins - Creepy old man with a rifle.
21 mins - Stupid prank.
23 mins - GRATUITUOUS SEX SCENE
27 mins - First beaver attack.
37 mins - Sam is going to hell.
45 mins - Most tactical zombies ever.
59 mins - That's taking zombie-contagion to a new extreme.
71 mins - Not these guys again!
NOTABLE QUOTESSam: We cannot turn against each other right now. That's exactly what the beavers would want.
Buck: I've never seen a real beaver before up close.
Zoe: Well maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.
Sam: Come out to the lake, have a few laughs...
THE PLOTAs a couple of idiots are driving a truck full of hazardous chemicals, they stupidly hit a deer. The impact knocks a can of chemicals off the truck and into a nearby river, where it floats down stream to a beaver dam and spontaneously breaks open to douse the dam with zombie juice.
Jenn, Mary, and Zoe are going to a cabin owned by Mary's family. It was going to be a boys and girls thing, but Jenn found out her boyfriend was cheating, so they turned it into just a girls thing, where they sunbathe and swim in the beaver pond and play stupid drinking games.
But Zoe didn't want to go the whole weekend without getting laid, so she invited the boys anyway, including Jenn's cheating ex, Sam. Cue the awkward scene of them arguing while the other couples are off sexing themselves up.
After shutting down Sam's obnoxious attempts at reconciliation, Jenn goes off to take a shower, only to be attacked by a weird-looking beaver in the bathroom. Tommy beats it down with a baseball bat and tosses the body out on the porch.
The next day, the beaver body is gone, but everyone except Jenn decides to go swimming in the beaver pond anyway. Mayhem ensues as the mutant zombie beavers attack, amputating the foot of Buck, Zoe's boyfriend.
They manage to retreat to the cabin and fight off the initial attempts of the beavers to break in, but Buck obviously needs medical attention, so Tommy decides to make a run for the car with Buck and Zoe, leaving Jenn, Mary, and Sam in the cabin. Did I mention that Mary is the girl with whom Sam was cheating? Yeah, that's going to be awkward.
The attempt to get Buck to a hospital is all too brief, as the beavers have dropped a tree across the road. As Tommy is trying to figure out how to get around it, the sneaky rodents drop another on him. Fortunately, crazy old man Smyth shows up to save Zoe and Buck, taking them back the way they came.
Jenn, Mary, and Sam have boarded up the cabin, so Zoe, Buck, and Smyth retreat to a neighbor's cabin. The beavers have been here, too, though, and the neighbors are dead.
Meanwhile, Jenn decides to pay Mary an interesting looking visit. It gets more "interesting" when Jenn turns out to be infected with the mysterious chemical hazard, which is turning her into a homicidal zombie were-beaver. Mary escapes, and she and Sam lock Jenn in the bedroom.
Realizing that it's too late to save Buck's foot, Zoe agrees to let Smyth cauterize the stump. Buck figures that's a good time to become a zombie were-beaver and attacks Smyth. Zoe flees upstairs, only to be attacked by one of the zombified residents of the house. She escapes by jumping out the second-story window.
Driven to paranoia by Jenn's transformation, Sam and Mary decide to inspect each other for beaver-related injuries to make sure they won't turn. The inspection starts to turn into awkward sex before beavers break in and kill Sam in a spectacularly horrible manner.
Fortunately, Zoe survived her fall and breaks through the wall in Smyth's truck to save Mary. Evading marauding zombie-beavers, they make it to the road block, from which they will need to walk. Mary, however, suspects that Zoe might be infected. The argument doesn't last long, though, as Mary is the one who turns, prompting a serious beat down from Zoe.
Alas, when poor Zoe makes it to a main road and waves for help, the vehicle approaching is the two idiots from the beginning.
