Awkward and uncomfortable explanations of simple things

[javakoala]

This should appeal to those with warped senses of humor.

Take a simple item or process and describe it in accurate but odd and suggestive ways, basically a double meaning to the description. The key here is to imply the awkwardness, not be outright crude.

I'll start with:

The didgeridoo requires you to put your mouth on a long stiff shaft that you blow.

[Alex]

When I was on 617 sqn I once had an engineering instruction come through that required me to inspect every flange in our section for damage.

[Trevor]

My former boss here once asked me to bring him a handful of sprocket holes: I believe this happened to Don Siegel when he was a film library apprentice as well. 

[ER]

I once saw an otherwise boring video where a famous college football coach, being totally serious I gather, described a running back's job as: "Get a good grip on your balls, stick the crease whenever you get a chance, and make sure you always go down hard."

I about fell off my chair laughing.

[Flangepart]

Let it never be said that pilots don't know how to move their stick and kick the old rudder about, wot?

[javakoala]

My former boss here once asked me to bring him a handful of sprocket holes: I believe this happened to Don Siegel when he was a film library apprentice as well. 

That is funny, and I've heard that before. 

[indianasmith]

In the Navy, they once asked me to go find a pair of sound powered phone batteries.

I knew it was a bogus assignment, so I went to the bowling alley for two hours.
Then told them I found no sound powered phone batteries anywhere I looked, which was true.

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

I bought by wife a Tiger Tail, which is a REAl fitness massager like a high tech rolling pin.   I wrapped it up suggestive, and wrote on the card "Whats long and hard and makes you moan"

[Skull]

We bought a house that has a bidet; I don't know or even want to use the thing because it doesn't look clean (maybe because it lacks a seat) but it seemed that my cat has found a use...


https://www.wattpad.com/228456659-crazy-animals-in-my-world-my-cat-santa-claws



 

[sprite75]

We bought a house that has a bidet; I don't know or even want to use the thing because it doesn't look clean (maybe because it lacks a seat) but it seemed that my cat has found a use...


https://www.wattpad.com/228456659-crazy-animals-in-my-world-my-cat-santa-claws



 

At least someone didn't think it was a drinking fountain...



(Having been to Italy and Turkey they were usually a feature of hotels over there.  They would either have full bidets or in a few cases a hose that you would use to wash down there).

[Skull]

We bought a house that has a bidet; I don't know or even want to use the thing because it doesn't look clean (maybe because it lacks a seat) but it seemed that my cat has found a use...


https://www.wattpad.com/228456659-crazy-animals-in-my-world-my-cat-santa-claws



 

At least someone didn't think it was a drinking fountain...



(Having been to Italy and Turkey they were usually a feature of hotels over there.  They would either have full bidets or in a few cases a hose that you would use to wash down there).

lol

I would have to be really drunk to get that low to drink from something that looked like a seat-less toilet 

[sprite75]

lol

I would have to be really drunk to get that low to drink from something that looked like a seat-less toilet 

I think the only time in my life I was really drunk was when I was in Italy and I had a bit too much wine.  Figured ah what the hell, it was free and I wasn't driving.

[Trevor]

lol

I would have to be really drunk to get that low to drink from something that looked like a seat-less toilet 

I think the only time in my life I was really drunk was when I was in Italy and I had a bit too much wine.  Figured ah what the hell, it was free and I wasn't driving.

When I went to Turin in 2002 and stayed at The Grand Hotel Sitea - beautiful place - I had my first encounter with a bidet. The encounter was, shall we say, interesting and bloody cold. 

[Flangepart]

(Pifft) Try finding out how cold and deep the water is in a regular American Standard toilet...boy, that'll wake ya up!