I Had An Interesting Day

[ER]

I had a f**king weird day. You can often tell I had a weird day because when talking about the day I had I include the gerund form of the word f**k, which normally I don't since it's probbaly not a nice thing to say.

Not a bad day, no. It was kinda good except for one part that may not be bad, not sure yet. I even got paid money under the table. (And if anyone here works for the IRS, go bust a politician instead, it was only $200.00.)

But 'twas a weird day still and all.

It included seeing someone eat live food (yes, live food), and it included a Thai national who giggled like a girl and asked me to put my hand against his to see if his hand was bigger than mine (thank God Almighty it was, last thing I need is another insecurity in my life), and concluded with me meeting my uber-Jewish American Princess buddy Edie, whom I hadn't seen in several months, for wine and telling her I don't think i ever really liked her as a person, and she spat at me.

Not on me, but at me. What t'heck, right?

Known her since 2009, let her hang clothes in my closet while her closet was being remodeled (a female bonding experience par excellence, in case you didn't know, oh ye men of BMDO) and she apparently concluded things a decade on by spitting near me? It was funny but also....not polite. Up there with throwing a shoe in Iraq.

Wine-flavored spittle, eeew.

Well before she spat at me we were having a fun time in this wine bar where I think virtually no one except Jews goes (somehow I did not catch on fire walking in there) and I mentioned my unofficial anniversary is coming up the Sunday before Labor Day, eighteen years, and she said congratulations, and I said thanks.

She said, "So righ tbefore 9-11."

I agreed, "Yes, right before 9-11."

She said, "Huh."

I said, "Huh?"

And she repeated, "Huh."

I was in a ponderous mood after three glasses of white zin, and said, "Funny to think how long it's been...how really, really long, it's actually been since I went to bed with anyone I wasn't married to."

She was like, "How long?"

So I told her and she said, "That's not that long."

(For the record, yes, it is kinda long.)

I said, "Not as long as you."

She said, "Not as long as me, no."

(Spoiler alert, this is not leading to lesbian action, sorry.)

And then she said, "Do you want to?"

I said, "Nah."

She said, "Not even a little?"

I said, "Nah."

"Not even your bucket list guy?"

"I have no bucket list guy."

She goes, "Everyone has one of those. What's wrong with you?"

Good question, why don't I have one of those?

Then she was like, "Did you know in Thai culture when a man puts his hand up to a woman's it's considered a sex thing? He was sexing you as a joke to his Thai friends, showing off and taking advantage of your naive American nature by getting you to hold your hand against his in public. They're probably laughing their asses off about it now."

She's from Lawn Guyland, New Yawk and has lived in Ohio for about twenty years, so how was she suddenly an expert on Thai sex customs?

I said, "That can't be true, Edie."

She said, "Yeah, it is."

(I haven't looked it up on Bing or Google yet and hope she was wrong since I;d rather not be a hand-adulteress, but if anybody knows, feel free to tell me in a PM or here or wherever.)

So then my phone rang and it was the person who headed the meeting today calling to thank me, and from the eventual tone of the conversation tell me every second's worth of things that'd happened to him in the ninety minutes since I departed the event where I got paid under the table and the Thai fella put his hand up to mine (for as I think about it in retrospect a suspiciously long time, and he did giggle about it a lot).

Well, my Jewish friend picked that second to yell right next to my phone, "Good job today, a***ole, you got her hand-raped by a Thai pervert!"

Hand-raped. Yeah, okay, new one in my sexual lexicon.

Not easy to salvage a conversation that has that at its opening, but we were having a fun time together, she and I, until the wine made me get waaaay too honest (in vino veritas is real, it seems) and I told her as I mentioned up above, that I don't know if I ever liked her so much as felt a certain fascination with knowing her in a relationship.

"The fact is, Edie, I'm not sure I haven't always sort of disliked you."

And that seemed to be insulting to her!

She took it WAY less well than my mother did when I said that same thing to her, and Edie went off on me zero to ten in about a quarter-minute, and I'm not sure if she was just outdoing me by throwing a hissy fit or is actually done with us as closet-sharing friends and occasionally extremely light drinking buddies, time will tell, but I took her spitting near me as not  avery good sign.

Then the weirdest part of the day happened, because when I went outside before I logged on here, to sit in my car a few minutes (now over an hour) and make 100% sure I am okay to drive, which I probably always have been, I saw this homeless looking man come down the sidewalk, scream a lot int thin air, then punch himself hard in the nuts.

Odd. Day.

[indianasmith]

OK, that is rather odd. 

[Svengoolie 3]

The Chinese use "may you live in interesting times" as a curse...

[Gabriel Knight]

(Spoiler alert, this is not leading to lesbian action, sorry.)

I'm glad you said that because up to that point I actually had to read the previous paragraphs again to make sure. 

[Allhallowsday]

It would seem you make people angry.  It might also seem people make you angry. 

[ER]

Mostly only the tone deaf who don't grasp context. I can't think of anyone like that here. It's clumsy to anger someone without meaning to, after all.

Ah, we're complex people, she and I. She can tolerate any joke that isn't about her original nose, and I'm good since the spit missed me. This time next week her kids will be back in their day school and she'll call me for shopping therapy, deciding in their absence she misses them, though she spends summers avoiding them as much as possible. It's a seasonal rhythm in her life.

Besides with my cousin converting to the Tribe this year I may need some backup next time I explain to a rabbi that though they were evil Nazis had great fashion designers.

[Allhallowsday]

Mostly only the tone deaf who don't grasp context. I can't think of anyone like that here. It's clumsy to anger someone without meaning to, after all.

Ah, we're complex people, she and I. She can tolerate any joke that isn't about her original nose, and I'm good since the spit missed me. This time next week her kids will be back in their day school and she'll call me for shopping therapy, deciding in their absence she misses them, though she spends summers avoiding them as much as possible. It's a seasonal rhythm in her life. 

I was thinking about the lady that cold cocked you. 

 
Besides with my cousin converting to the Tribe this year I may need some backup next time I explain to a rabbi that though they were evil Nazis had great fashion designers.

I don't know what that means but that's some funny sh!t.   

[ER]

Mostly only the tone deaf who don't grasp context. I can't think of anyone like that here. It's clumsy to anger someone without meaning to, after all.

Ah, we're complex people, she and I. She can tolerate any joke that isn't about her original nose, and I'm good since the spit missed me. This time next week her kids will be back in their day school and she'll call me for shopping therapy, deciding in their absence she misses them, though she spends summers avoiding them as much as possible. It's a seasonal rhythm in her life.  

I was thinking about the lady that cold cocked you.  

 
Besides with my cousin converting to the Tribe this year I may need some backup next time I explain to a rabbi that though they were evil Nazis had great fashion designers.

I don't know what that means but that's some funny sh!t.  

Yeah, well, the lady that cold cocked me is so bi-polar she once threw a Ronco Vegamatic at a mailman, so I'm surprised it took her twenty-five years to get around to me.

[Allhallowsday]

You perhaps may notice explanations of these reactions to you in your experiences... your explanations.   

[Svengoolie 3]

Mostly only the tone deaf who don't grasp context. I can't think of anyone like that here. It's clumsy to anger someone without meaning to, after all.

Ah, we're complex people, she and I. She can tolerate any joke that isn't about her original nose, and I'm good since the spit missed me. This time next week her kids will be back in their day school and she'll call me for shopping therapy, deciding in their absence she misses them, though she spends summers avoiding them as much as possible. It's a seasonal rhythm in her life.  

I was thinking about the lady that cold cocked you.  

 
Besides with my cousin converting to the Tribe this year I may need some backup next time I explain to a rabbi that though they were evil Nazis had great fashion designers.

I don't know what that means but that's some funny sh!t.  

Yeah, well, the lady that cold cocked me is so bi-polar she once threw a Ronco Vegamatic at a mailman, so I'm surprised it took her twenty-five years to get around to me.

Damn I almost miss those ronco ads, the we're kind of unprententous.