The True History of Thanksgiving, Part Two

I hereafter present the true story of Thanksgiving, in order to combat increasing ignorance on the subject of American history. (Fun fact: there was no history before American history.)

Back in 1620, wanting better shopping choices, a bunch of black-clad Goths called pilgrims put on their tall hats and left England to settle in the Netherlands, but the climate depressed them, so led by Miles Standish and Abraham Lincoln they brought back tulip bulbs and grew May flowers in Kew Gardens and that’s why they named their boat the Mayflower, which they built forty Cupids long on Valentimes Day expecting rain for forty days and forty nights, packing the ship with two of every kind of animal except unicorns and dinosaurs (which unlike unicorns never existed), and they let on three wise men who had GIFs, and flew a flag sewn by Betsy Ross and other first ladies.

(Historians say this error about the expected flood was based on lack of corrective eye wear back then and poor light for reading, so they confused the Bible with Poor Richard’s Almanack.)

The failure of the rain to appear embarrassed the pilgrims, who faced many taunts from the English, as they paused their oppression of the Irish long enough to say such things as: “You are all overweight, falsely polite, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and your accent makes you sound like you’re talking out your noses!”

“Yeah, meet us at Yorktown in another 160 years and we’ll see who’s laughing then!” ten-year-old George Washington replied with his most beloved quote as he hurled a silver dollar at them from across the Delaware while chopping down a cherry tree to make himself some wooden teeth.

Meanwhile John Quincy Adams took a nude swim and roundly mooned them, and John Hancock made some very large rude signs, so large in fact that King George had no trouble reading them without his spectacles, and promptly went mad for fifty years because he he had the blood disorder porpyheria that may have made him a vampire.

With that the pilgrims got onto their three boats, Ninapeentaasantamaria, the Mayflower and the SS Minnow, and sailed west across the Atlantic from Independence Hall Philadelphia on July 4th. The SS Minnow, despite having a fearless crew, was presumed lost with its seven passengers, including millionaire JJ Astor and a cute boy named Jack (who invented making out in a car), and the Ninapeentaasantamaria caused Columbus Day, but the Mayflower reached America on Black Friday, finding a land of ample shopping opportunities and fine deals on electronics, even though they hadn’t been invented by Ben Franklin yet. Soon the pilgrims had eaten two of every kind of animal and many of them starved, so they ate the three wise men with a side order of frankincense and myrrh.

However the Mayflower landed near Cambridge, Mass (“Our fair city!”) hundreds of miles above where the Virginia colony existed with its shopping opportunities and very large grapes, so the people made friends with the Cleveland Indians (who were good at fishing and growing corn) and farmed tobacco and spread smallpox and undertook other crimes against humanity, populating America from their base at Ellie’s Island, until they got fed up with the high price of tea and stamps and the revolution came on July 4, 1976, at which time Alexander Hamilton, a gay Puerto Rican, sang a lot and eventually got shot after he angered Aaron Burr for coming out with the larger half of the wishbone on Thanksgiving day in 1492.

Uh, I think there was also something about “Four Score Years Ago…” apple pie, and landing on the moon but I covered most of it, so anyway enjoy your turkey and be proud you’re America, or at least married to one, or barring that friends with some, and if none of that applies to you, sigh, I am so, so sorry you have so little in life to be thankful for.