My Annual PSA

Please Note: February 1st Is Cannibal Rights Awareness Day

February 1st is Cannibal Rights Awareness Day, and I think we can all agree cannibal rights is going to be the next hot button topic!!!

Some facts:

Cannibals can't help the way they are, they're just born that way. It is cruel to make natural-born cannibals "stay in the refrigerator" instead of being supportive of their coming out.

Since many modern cannibals restrict their grazing to those who died of natural causes, they harm no one, but ask yourself, can "free range" cannibals truly be blamed for what they do, when our collective ignorance and lack of acceptance drives them to seek satiation with quickie munching events in sordid back alleys and public restrooms, risking health by eating prostitutes and the homeless? Imagine if you were forced to break into morgues and cemeteries, your breath forever reeking of embalming fluid! Yes, you might be angry too.

Countless young people, who are born as cannibals, find their budding identity squashed by an unfeeling society unschooled in accepting them the way they are. Parents should take the time to sit down with children and ask, "Do you ever yearn for human flesh, and have to settle for raw hamburger as a poor substitute? At lunchtime do you ever feel like maybe you're just 'different' from other children? Have I ever made you feel like maybe it's not all right to eat a person if you really want to? Do overweight people look appetizing? Honey…are you a cannibal? Do you know I’ll love you if you are?"

We should all speak out against cannibal jokes when we hear them, and recoil from bigoted movies that portray cannibalism in a negative light, when cannibals are a natural part of the beautiful rainbow of diversity we all need to embrace.

Are you aware there are as many cannibals out there as red-heads, or that statistically you likely know at least one cannibal yourself? Did you know that President Millard Fillmore was a cannibal, as is Queen Elizabeth II, and popular entertainer Miley Cyrus?

Remember, for every Jeffery Dahmer there is a Ruben Wolensky. Oh, you don't know that name? He was the cannibal who saved half a bus load of nuns and babies from certain death when their vehicle careened off the road into a lake in Florida, but the bigoted media never covered that story, and tragically Ruben died alone and unrecognized at age forty-three without being allowed to eat even a single dead child in the bus wreck where he rescued so many!

Do you know that cannibalism was celebrated as healthy in Classical Greece and Rome, as evidenced by the murals of Pompeii, and the ancient cannibalistic “consume the body of Christ” ritual which remains unpurged in the Catholic Church? Or that under Jewish custom foreskins are festively donated as chewing gum to cannibal food banks? It’s true!

In closing some questions to ask yourself:

Have I ever told a joke about cannibals or cannibalism? Do I own DVDs that sensationalize this sensitive issue, portraying cannibals as monsters? Mightn't Stephen King's heartbreaking pro-cannibal manifesto "Survivor Type" present a more positive image of this lifestyle? Have you ever considered sharing that story on Facebook, or volunteering to read it during story time at your local library?

Have I reached out to co-workers and neighbors who might like the occasional finger-lickin' good basket of finger-lickin' good fingers?

What might I do to increase awareness that cannibals don't choose their condition?

Might I be repressing cannibalistic urges myself?

On February 1st, show your support by donating your body, post-mortem, to feed a hungry cannibal, or perhaps convince an elderly loved-one to do the same. At the very least, proudly fly the blood red flag of cannibal pride, or maybe try a cannibal dinner one day out of the year: it’s low in carbohydrates, and afterward you can let your children see who gets the biggest half of the wishbone.

It's time we ended all forms of hatred in America and beyond. On February 1st go out and hug a cannibal. Or better yet, donate an organ to stop hunger!