Military Assessments.

[Alex]

Sometimes despite all the training and selection we go through the wrong person still makes it through. Here are some quotes from annual performance reports.

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long gone.

Although in todays modern PC world reports at allowed to be written in quite the same way, a few I have seen others get include (for a dog handler) "This man is holding back the career of an otherwise very promising Police Dog" & "This man is nicknamed Earth, because of his zero potential".

[Alex]

And some more...

Beresford needs to learn where to draw the line between being an extrovert and a fool.

“Treats his RAF Police Duties as a major inconvenience between his days off”

FS ******* is a man who does not suffer fools gladly. However, he must learn to hold his own counsel when the fool in question is a Senior Officer.

“If all the idiots got together to form their own village, this man would still be the village idiot”

A mate once asked to see the confidential report written when he'd tried for a commission. The first sentence read 'A thoroughly selfish individual who looks like Frankie Howerd'

For the past 8 years, he has been pushing on the door for promotion; unfortunately, yet not surprisingly, it is clearly marked ‘pull’...

This wasn't in the forces, but I once had a kid in for work experience for a couple of weeks and sent him back to school with the following report: this individual has been absolutely outstanding....in convincing me that prospective parents should be I.Q. tested before being granted a licence to procreate, thus preventing further swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool

"This young female medical officer knows that tight clothing restricts your circulation, however, the tighter her clothing, the more she seems to be in circulation"

Regarded by colleagues as a miracle worker, if he does any its a miracle

Clearly batteries weren't supplied with this one.

Not so much a sandwich short of a picnic - if he could find the picnic he'd probably eat the wasps.

One I got while running the armoury, "this individual is exactly where he belongs, in a cage with the other weapons".

Does not suffer fools gladly, but has to be careful when the fools are of a higher rank....my best and favourite ever comment on my SJARs

Officer Cadet ****** initially gave the impression of having a droll sense of humour. However, it quickly transpired that he was just miserable.

At an exit interview, a friend and his WO.
Sac X, you have an attitude problem.
Sir, I think you will find that I just have an attitude, you are the one who has a problem with it....See more

SAC xxxx slowly recharges overnight only to run out of power before the morning tea break and is generally useless thereafter.

 Not forces, but police, (when they hadn’t been shafted by the government, we’ll not so much as today)!! Will never make a copper as long as his arse points downwards

Although not in the forces, one guy I did my apprenticeship with was apparently "Physically dislexic" and ambidextorous as he could f**k something up with both hands

If his brains were twice the size he'd still be a halfwit .when God shouted heads he thought god said beds and asked for a big soft one

On RTU after a Rapier training course......This airman would be better employed in a sandpit with a bucket and spade 😂

I wrote this on one apprentices final report. " Should not be left alone in a workshop with an open toolbox". Not only did I have to rewrite it but got 6 extras too boot.

Jokes about hotels on det aside, I once wrote "SAC xxxxx would do well to realise that he is on an operational detachment and not his summer holidays". My other was "I have been told not to write anything derogatory about this airman" And left it there. I was given a bit of a bollocking myself for that one, it got worse when I asked if I was supposed to tell lies on his F6442. Ah happy days.

I had one describing that I’d rather be on a deckchair on a beach.
Well just came back from Cyprus 🤪🤪🤪

I was never in the forces, but worked along side for most of my career. This was a comment from one of my teachers at school in my final report: Ian would find it difficult to pass water let alone a chemistry exam 😂😂😂😂😂

My report once said "He doesn't suffer fools lightly" written by the fool of an officer who wrote the report whom I didn't take lightly. 😂 he knew, he knew.

I had a boss who used to tell me they should have employed a pot plant, it would have done as much but looked a lot better...
Also, " if you had a brain you'd be dangerous" 😂

A good, typical armourer Cpl, which he should remain. Quite proud of that. 😀😁😂

Does the common British tramp a disservice by his appearance.. actual one used on an S.A.C up in Stornoway by the 2nd reporting officer...to say he was a waste of skin was an understatement..

 I was once told by a Chemistry Teacher "You will never drown because you are Gallows Bait" ....This related to the Old Wives Tale that if you were born to be hung then you would never drown !!!!! I was thirteen years old when I was told this !!!! Just because i did not complete my Homework !!!!

The Oc's comment from an end of course report for a contemporay of mine: "I apologize to all future commanders of this airwoman, that I did not take the Snr Instructors advice and remove her when we had the chance". And one that I used on a student some years later when I instructed "AC XXX should not confuse a quick wit with ability".

" You'll always know where Sally is , just follow the sound of laughter " ( Never did find out if this was a compliment or an insult )

Overhead in a meeting at British Aerospace many years ago: "you must be one of twins because no one man could be such a c##t" and "getting an answer out of you is like trying to nail jelly to the wall"

If he fell into a barrel full of tits he'd still come out sucking his thumb! Number 36 is the best of the above

The word ‘extrovert’ was used in my F6442 one year. During my interview I asked the author - a junior officer what that meant. He didn’t know. He was an arse but I never told him in case he knew that one.

This was actually said to me in the Kuwait desert 120deg by a newly promoted Sgt when I returned late from a patrol “You are standing on very thin ice Cpl” this is a true story -no names no pack drill!!

Another I saw in Aldergrove " SAC ******** should reconsider remustering as I believe we have a need for a new wind sock".

Not mine lacks ability to open a door without help of a sign and still gets it wrong, should not be allowed out without supervision

My favourite, and one that says it all is:- “This officer is tall and rides a bicycle.” That was the whole report !!

"This student is just an expensive way of turning good breathable Oxygen into carbon dioxide"

One of mine as a very junior JO: "WO xxxx has a passion for car mechanics..." . Still the best bollocking I ever had - from WO xxx

This will annoy a whole nation. On an end of course report "this lad proves the Welsh are a well balanced group he has a chip on both shoulders

One I wrote; Should the Rolling Stones need a new guitarist, then SAC X is their man. Sadly, he joined the RAF instead

It's a shame but writing any of these now would see it chucked back in your in tray by the next reporting officer with a note suggesting you do it again.
Very straight Cpl RAFP when talking about a RN LH supplier who worked in our office on det. "He's the reason we aren't allowed any windows in here."

This officer has the manners of an organ grinder, and his wife has the morals of the monkey - quoted by an Air Sec briefer at one fo the station visits they used to do.

[BoyScoutKevin]

Oh, you got to love that Brit sense of humor. May it always be there for the rest of us to enjoy.