Sayings!

[RCMerchant]

My Dad usta say-when it was raining real hard- "It's pouring like p**s out of a boot"!
WTF does that mean?  
He also usta say "Use your head for something besides a hat rack."
My Uncle Ron usta say-"That pecker couldn't tell s**t from apple butter." Which always cracked me up!  

[indianasmith]

I like to make up sayings and then repeat them as if they are traditional proverbs:

"When the snake falls in love with the garden hose, it's time to buy a new pair of boots!"

"All roads lead to the dog barking up the wrong tree, therefore divided we fall but with six you get egg rolls."

"When in Rome, the guilty dog gathers no moss!"

[Svengoolie 3]

''Three martinis make hay in the moonlight. '' I've heard it makes sense after 3 martinis...

[Trevor]

Dad: "Why did you do that, Trevor?"
Me: "Well, I thought..."
Dad: "Thought? You know what thought did?"
Me: "No, sir."*
Dad: "Thought sh*t in its' pants."

 

* My Dad was and remains the only person I would call sir.

[ER]

I like using Oscar's: "Work is the curse of the drinking classes." It fits so many situations.

[Allhallowsday]

''Three martinis make hay in the moonlight. '' I've heard it makes sense after 3 martinis...

Indeed it does.  It's like "How are martinis like a woman's breast?  One is not enough and three is too many." 

[RCMerchant]

''Three martinis make hay in the moonlight. '' I've heard it makes sense after 3 martinis...

Indeed it does.  It's like "How are martinis like a woman's breast?  One is not enough and three is too many." 

Nonsense. You could cover me with tits and I'd be happy.

[RCMerchant]

"You couldn't find your ass with both hands."
"If you had any brains, you would shoot 'em like dice!"
"If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous!"

Again- my loving Dad!  

[Alex]

I'll make you smile on the other side of your face (still haven't figured out how that one works).

If your brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.

If you fall and break your leg don't come running to me (well... obviously).

[Allhallowsday]

I'll make you smile on the other side of your face (still haven't figured out how that one works).
...

Just turn that smile upside down. 

[Allhallowsday]

Hmmm...

"We'll draw the curtain of charity on that one."   

"Homely as a cat's behind."   

"Nothing for nothing..."   

[Trevor]

Ned Beatty in Shooter:

"You didn't know whether to sh*t or go blind." 

[Svengoolie 3]

Response to a loud explosion,  burst of automatic gunfire,  car engine blowing out, etc. ''I bet that fart hurt! ''

[dean]

Some traditional Australian sayings:

We're not here to f$%k spiders (Not here to mess around)
She'll be apples (it'll be ok)

Some traditional Dutch sayings:
Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (the truth comes out)
As if an angel is peeing on your tongue (something that tastes good)

A couple of Afghani idioms I was told last year:
Don't hold two watermelons in one hand (don't take on too much)
If you're happy, buy a goat (I can't work that one out, but its something around when you're happy you get complacent and goats keep you on your toes because they're a rowdy sort)

[The Burgomaster]

* He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground

* If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about (one of my mother's favorites)

* It's as cold as a witch's tit

* He thinks he s**ts ice cream

* He thinks his s**t doesn't stink

* He's had more balls across his chin than Johnny Bench

* He has a hair across his ass

* He talking out of his ass