Short Movie Reviews

[ER]

With thanks to our resident dark Scotsman for the inspiration….


Star Wars: Wanted fugitive spies on orphan boy, fills his head full of lies, commits suicide by cop soon after; brother-sister lust blossoms, Death Star goes bye-bye, many plumbers and electricians perish there; multi-billion dollar merchandizing empire follows over next forty years.

Jurassic Park: Scientists visit Westworld for dinos---nothing can go wrong; T-Rex lives out every American’s fantasy and kills a lawyer; Jeff Goldblum punks moviegoers into thinking black is a good color for hot weather. Twenty-five years of merchandizing follows.

Avatar: Beautiful film constantly interrupted by Marine Corps recruiting ads. Merchandizing follows.

Titanic: Dazzling sets, beautiful if maudlin song, Kate Winslet lives out every American’s fantasy and sinks Leo’s corpse into the ocean. Merchandizing….okay, I’ll quit.

The Passion of the Christ: The Christ’s passions include long walks in the desert, dieting, helping the sick and poor, wrestling with the devil, and dying for the sins of the world. A fan favorite among Christians and sadists worldwide!

Gangs of New York: Father killed in fair fight, son can’t get over it and seeks revenge. Whole film was kind of like Mad Max meets Mad Max.

Jaws: The first ever summer blockbuster shows us how easily scared people were in 1975. What-utter-wusses!

The Wizard of Oz: Providing job security for child psychologists since 1939.

Forbidden Planet: Everyone who comes to this green-skied planet dies a brutal death, except one mad scientist and his daughter. That “other” United Federation of Planets comes to investigate and a megalomaniacal computer named HAL starts murdering everyone with the help of anthropomorphic apes near Tatooine. If anyone has told you otherwise, that person was lying.

The Blue Max: Guy from The A-Team who looked like my grandpa flies for the bad guys in the War to End All Wars, and Aphrodite off Clash of the Titans sleeps with him before he becomes a test pilot for a day.

The English Patient: If you thought Ralph Fiennes never played an uglier role than Voldemort, man are you in for a shock.

Wonder Woman: People who could believe in an island where immortal warrior women trained for end-times combat with evil gods seemed unable to suspend disbelief that Wonder Woman didn’t have underarm hair. Go figger.

The Ring: Revenant comes through TVs and rearranges faces, including that of the dude everyone thought was some long lost Baldwin brother, but wasn't. Later I wondered if a pause button might’ve left Samara stuck in place half out of the TV but I didn’t consider that in the theater because I was too busy trying not to pee myself in sheer animal terror.

The Quiet Man: Unable to get laid unless he secures his wife’s dowry money, John Wayne pummels his Irish brother in law across half a county. After seeing this movie Popeye confessed to feeling inadequate.

The Hunger Games: In a future dystopian North America, teenagers selected by lottery are forced to gather and fight to the death in elaborate arenas.  Okay, I love this movie, did you think I was going to smart off about it?

The Lion King: This time a father dies in a Disney flick. Betcha didn’t see that coming!

The Sixth Sense: Boy sees more dead people than you think---wink, wink, nudge, nudge?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: When I was walking the Appalachian Trail in Maine in 1997, the two nerds I hiked with quoted this movie day and night til I thought I was going to lose what remained of my sanity. In order to get a break from them and their quotes, I walked ahead one day and camped alone that night in the middle of nowhere, only to have some stranger in the woods sneak up after sunset and stand close enough to my tent for me to smell his cigarettes, and there this stranger stood in the pitch darkness, not moving for hours, never saying a word, miles and miles from anyplace or anyone else before finally departing before dawn, giving me the single most frightening night of my life. In short, it’s possible this geeky film nearly got me killed, folks.

The Empire Strikes Back: Either George Lucas was making this up as he went or that Luke-Leia kiss was even sicker than we thought.

10 Cloverfield Lane: Well, honestly, wouldn’t eight seasons of living with Roseanne make you want to go crawl into a bomb shelter too?

Rainman: I am still bitter about the casting in this movie, still bitter.

Dead Poet’s Society: Radical teacher comes to New England prep school and leaves dead students and broken families in his wake.

Beetlejuice: Horney undead guy drops F-bomb in family flick while plotting to sleep with schoolkid, and no one seems to think that’s weird?

Star Trek the Wrath of Khan: I figure this movie was in an alternate universe from TOS. How else to explain Khan knowing Chekov when Chekov hadn’t joined the crew yet? Hmmmm?

The Princess Bride: Most quotable movie ever!

Heathers: Second most quotable movie ever, but that still hasn’t managed to leave me open to that chainsaw thing.

Mermaids: High school girl romps with twenty-something crush atop a bell tower at a convent. What amateurs.

Wild: Time has not been kind to Reese Witherspoon’s breasts. Refer to 1998's Paul Newman flick Twilight for a frame of reference.

Heaven is For Real: Bible Belt boy almost dies and meets Jesus? Ummmm, his dad was a minister, his mom taught Sunday School, so what else was he supposed to say happened when he died? Odd how Hindu children who have NDEs never encounter Jesus, isn’t it? But for the important part, the award for The Last Name Most Likely To Get A Boy Picked On In Middle School goes to….Todd BURPO!

Apocalypto: The movie for you if you can honestly sing, “…..I like brown butts and I cannot lie…”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: If I were Ron Weasley I’d have marched up to my brothers and started screaming, “You had the marauder’s map all these years that showed I was sleeping in the same room with somebody named Peter Pettigrew, and you a***oles never came and checked on me???”

Rocky: Working class boxer goes the distance in a championship bout while getting his face beaten in with a barrage of brain damaging punches. An inspiring family movie for the ages!

Alien: In space no one can smell you soil your suit.

The Never-Ending Story: A lie, man, a lie.

Pulp Fiction: Yes, 21st century film majors, back in the ‘90s we too saw there were bullet holes in the wall before the gunshots, so quit feeling so smug about being born after the turn of the Millennium and having the internet. In the ‘90s we had gas stations and everything.

The Usual Suspects: Wait, you mean….so, wait, that means….? Okay, I need to see this again.

Crash: Before Facebook people in Los Angeles wrecked their cars into one another in a primitive form of friend request.

American Beauty: Beats out Taxi Driver and Leon: The Professional for pedophilia’s proudest Oscar moment. “I’ll just method act like she’s a sixteen-year-old boy,” thought Kevin Spacey, throughout the shoot.

Return of the Jedi: There is simply no way Palpatine, this living god, would let himself get thrown down a shaft. I still suspect this movie was some downtrodden rebel’s wishful dream sequence.

[Alex]

With thanks to our resident dark Scotsman for the inspiration….


Star Wars: Wanted fugitive spies on orphan boy, fills his head full of lies, commits suicide by cop soon after; brother-sister lust blossoms, Death Star goes bye-bye, many plumbers and electricians perish there; multi-billion dollar merchandizing empire follows over next forty years.

Gangs of New York: Father killed in fair fight, son can’t get over it and seeks revenge. Whole film was kind of like Mad Max meets Mad Max.

The Ring: Revenant comes through TVs and rearranges faces, including that of the dude everyone thought was some long lost Baldwin brother, but wasn't. Later I wondered if a pause button might’ve left Samara stuck in place half out of the TV but I didn’t consider that in the theater because I was too busy trying not to pee myself in sheer animal terror.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: When I was walking the Appalachian Trail in Maine in 1997, the two nerds I hiked with quoted this movie day and night til I thought I was going to lose what remained of my sanity. In order to get a break from them and their quotes, I walked ahead one day and camped alone that night in the middle of nowhere, only to have some stranger in the woods sneak up after sunset and stand close enough to my tent for me to smell his cigarettes, and there this stranger stood in the pitch darkness, not moving for hours, never saying a word, miles and miles from anyplace or anyone else before finally departing before dawn, giving me the single most frightening night of my life. In short, it’s possible this geeky film nearly got me killed, folks.

Star Trek the Wrath of Khan: I figure this movie was in an alternate universe from TOS. How else to explain Khan knowing Chekov when Chekov hadn’t joined the crew yet? Hmmmm?

The Princess Bride: Most quotable movie ever!

American Beauty: Beats out Taxi Driver and Leon: The Professional for pedophilia’s proudest Oscar moment. “I’ll just method act like she’s a sixteen-year-old boy,” thought Kevin Spacey, throughout the shoot.

Return of the Jedi: There is simply no way Palpatine, this living god, would let himself get thrown down a shaft. I still suspect this movie was some downtrodden rebel’s wishful dream sequence.

I did see a meme about Star Wars really being about a boy whose adoptive parents are killed in a police action, and who goes on to be radicalised by a religion before going on to commit an act of terrorism that kills 300,000 people.

Gangs of New York, worst experience I have ever had in a cinema including the time where me and my friend had this girls sitting between us and she managed to... well that is a story for another time.

The Ring. That wins the award for best way ever of defeating a movie villain ever!

Monty Python. If you'd died because of that movie it would have been for a good cause.

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. Well that one is simple. When they took over the Federation ship, Khan would have immediently checked out its computer banks, found the episodes of the old show and caught up on what had been happening since he went into exile.

American Beauty: This that one belongs on the Burns thread lol.

Return of the Jedi: I think you'll find if you click on the video below, all your questions will be answered...

[Alex]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CFcu8JRwAU
	Small | Large

]!

[ER]

I th-thought it was gonna b-be a Star Wars liiiiiink......

[Alex]

Warned you not to diss Vader.  

I promise I will try not to post that again. You'd be surprised if you could see how careful I was when I was looking that one up and posting it. I did not want it to accidently start playing (even after I'd unplugged my speakers). Honestly, I have handled high explosives with less caution lol.

[Svengoolie 3]

Blazing saddles:some cowboys sit around a campfire and fart loudly for a minute. Other stuff happens but that's the thing people really remember.

[The Burgomaster]

ET - some kids meet a puppet from Mars.