Short TV Reviews

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Roseanne: As the lost pilot explained, Stalin reincarnates outside Chicago and rules her household with an iron fist.
 
American Idol: I think this show was mentioned in Revelation, wasn’t it, Reverend Indy?

Star Trek: Ever suspect that Picard was the product of one of Kirk’s dalliances?

Game of Thrones: Has anyone besides me ever wondered why Westeros hasn’t advanced technologically since the Andals and First Men crossed over with swords and armor 10,000 years ago?

All Creatures Great And Small: Lovely family show I cherished from my golden youth became a drinking game I started in college. “Every time one of them puts his arm up a cow’s butt, you drink.” Nobody stayed sober for long.

Diff’rent Strokes: I could’ve told those doomed actors opening the mummy’s tomb was a bad idea.

NCIS: Never seen it, you believe that?

Californication: The raunchiest show ever, but it sure was fun those first few seasons.

Quantum Leap: The greatest show ever to feature a hologram in a lime green suit.

Courage the Cowardly Dog: Who needs marijuana when you have Courage?

Skins: “I’m COOK!!!” That roaring declaration will always stir my heart. You go, Cook, you go.

House: Never seen it, you believe it?

The Big Bang Theory: Say Sheldon went missing in a time-space vortex and give us season thirteen!

Pretty Little Liars: Those girls have the worst luck, man. Blackmailers, stalkers, arson, ugly boyfriends. Don’t know how they stand it.

Eastenders: There was never any sunlight on Albert Square, noticed that? And it was always overcast outside, too.

Law and Order: Never seen it, you believe that?

The Vampire Diaries: Like crack, it is addictive and it destroys brain cells. Beware, it's horrible yet it sucks you right in.

Hex: Never has a once-fun series gotten so bad so fast, though its high-point episode, the one where they aborted the next Damien, does show how feel-good British horror can get.

Dexter’s Lab: One of my best friends used to play Dexter’s sister Deedee.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: If I had to choose one representation of Star Wars in any form, be it books, videogames, films, I’d pick this series.

NYPD Blue: Ever wished there was a Bare Ass of the Week Club? Wish granted!

No Reservations: Before Boudain got preachy at bleeding heart CNN he used to travel the world and have a hell of a good time. Sure is a shame the Clintons had him rubbed out.

This Is Us: As funny as your grandma's funeral, as charming as a visit to an oral surgeon. Charles Dickens rose from the grave to comment, "A bit melodramatic, isn't it?"

Futurama: Matt Groening's magnum opus.

The Late-Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Stood the late night genre on its haughty head. The man was a genius above all others in the field.

The Blacklist: Headed by the best actor in TV.

King of the Hill: Sharpest cartoon about Texas ever made.

Defiance: Forget Firefly, this is the archetypal sci-fi show that was canceled too soon.

The Simpsons: Still think a perpetual motion machine is a scientific impossibility?

Dawson’s Creek: Uncovers the secret language of teenagers.

Bonanza: If only all shooting victims died as cleanly as the 1,192 the Cartwrights gunned down in this show’s 76 seasons.

Red Dwarf: Sorry, just never got into it.

Castle Rock: Would’ve been more watchable in the pre-streaming era when King was still cool.

The Twilight Zone: Wait….how do we know we’re not in an episode ourselves? Oh, yeah, were not on TV.

Northern Exposure: The real mystery was how come this part of Alaska never had wintertime.

Sledge Hammer: Even when I was six the sight gags and physical humor made me laugh.

The Kids in the Hall: My least favorite character was Buddy’s corncob friend, but, ah, the places he went.

Doc Martin: A show about a doctor who is afraid of blood and has terrible luck with women.

Friends: Must See TV was proof that NBC made a deal with the devil.

Are You Being Served: I met John Inman shortly before he died. Nice man. Few shows make me laugh out loud like this is one.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Oh, nothing left on TV can shock you, huh?

Jackass: The most aptly named series in TV history.

The Real World: My argument for why this planet might be the top level of Purgatory.

The Amazing Race: I binged this in 2017 and was never once bored.

The Price is Right: You do know virtually nobody ever really got those prizes, right? You either paid tens of thousands right there in taxes or settled for a bag full of sponsor-provided consolation prizes. That and the fact it was basically an hour-long commercial for products has made it a profitable show to run. It'll air forever.

60 Minutes: The sound of that ticking stopwatch used to be the sound of getting ready for school in the morning. Almost as iconically awful as Eastenders.

Charlie Rose: The show to watch if you ever take up angel dust.

Embarrassing Bodies: The breast exam episode shot in the locker room of the Birmingham University girls field hockey inspired a million wanks (that girl’s name really was Izzi Fullwood!!) but the episode about the man with twelve testicles will live forever in our gag reflexes.

Tales from the Darkside: The budgets were low, the casts minimal, yet it still manages to be the coolest horror anthology of the ‘80s.

Monarch of the Glen: The best TV death EVER was when the old fart of a Scottish laird threw a floating grenade into the loch and his faithful retriever fetched it and brought it back to him.

Downton Abbey: False advertising, this show was not set in the downtown.

Twin Peaks: The forbidden fruit of my tween years.

The X-Files: The fact we took it seriously in the ‘90s says a lot about who we were.

Lost: The fact we took it seriously in the ‘00s says a lot about who we were.

The Walking Dead: The fact we take it seriously in the ‘10s says a lot about who we will be.