This is on the offical Police Scotland facebook page.
Halloween Special Report: Cops baffled by Inverclyde 'nosferatu' outbreak.
Police Scotland·Wednesday, 31 October 2018
Police Scotland are appealing for information from the public after a string of bizarre unexplained incidents in Inverclyde and the surrounding area.
Police accompanied by Coastguard officers were first alerted late at night on Wednesday the 17th October, when a dog walker reported a small cargo ship run aground on the banks of the River Clyde close to Port Glasgow. Upon arrival, officials inspected the vessel, but found the ship deserted, until a number of deceased crewmen were discovered in the cargo hold. Disturbingly, each of the crew appeared to have been drained of blood, and had what appeared to be puncture marks on their necks.
“Freakiest thing ah’ve ever seen in ma puff!” said shaken Coastguard officer Shug Renfield when asked for comment. “Aw they deid sailors, pure whitey-ed and lookin like some bam had made a munchy box oot thum! Heavy shady business, man.”
The citizen who contacted authorities after witnessing the beaching of the vessel, local man Jay Harker, also reported seeing a large dog running from the ship.
“Aye, eftir the boat crashed intae the bank, ah seen this big mad dug,” the frightened witness explained. “Looked almost like a wolf fae where ah wis staunin. It comes oot the boat and goes beltin up the beach like its tail wis on fire an its bum wis catchin. Tellin ye, ah near brooned ma breeks, and ma poor wee dug Quincy here just aboot went paws up when he got a whiff o the beast.”
In the separate incident later that night, officers were called to a 24-hour supermarket in Greenock after security staff reported a member of the public acting in a strange manner.
“Ah wis oan the nightshift, and just come back fae ma dinner break, and there wis this weirdo staunin ootside the shoap,” explained store Security Guard Aldo Holmwood. When asked to describe the individual, Mr Holmwood said, “He wis skinny, dead pale, wi big mad pointy ears and a baldy napper. Ah goes up tae see whit the score wis, and he sais sumhin in this mental accent aboot ‘detecting the presence of sweet lifeblood’ and needin tae ‘quench an unquenchable thirst’. Ah telt him the shoap hud a special goin on Irn Bru, but he jist kept askin me if ah could invite him inside. Ah sais, aye nae bother big man, it’s a public place, batter on, and he went sprintin past me intae the shoap. Ah thought he looked well shady, and follows him up tae the butcher’s counter. It wis closed, this bein aboot three in the morning, but in the name o the wee man, Ah finds him there wi his heid in the empty display counter, sookin at a wee dribble o blood leftover fae the mince! Ah goes haw you ya madman whits yer game and grabs a haud o him, an I swear ah thought he wis gonnae go fir me. But then it wis like he smelled something on ma breath, and he lets oot this mad hissin noise and bolts right oot the shoap again. Fair enough, I’d hud a garlic chilli chicken curry fur ma dinner, but ma breath couldnae huv been that honkin.”
In the third, and most bizarre call that night, Gourock resident and German Shepherd breeder Johnny Seward called 101 after discovering a man of a similar description trespassing in his garden. When asked to make a statement about the incident, Mr Seward was at first reluctant to speak to the attending officers, but later said “It must’ve been aboot hauf three when Ah woke up and could hear ma dugs barkin and howlin. Ah boosts oot ma scratcher and goes doonstairs, and there’s this freaky lookin bam staunin by the kennels oot ma back. Ma dugs are goin pure ballistic, and Ah goes oot an shouts, Here you, get tae! but he jist turns tae me and goes Listen to them - the children of the night. What music they make! Then he turned intae a bat and flew away.”
Mr Seward, who later tested negative for alcoholic and psychotropic substances, is currently being evaluated by a police psychologist while investigators seek to clarify the veracity of his statement.
In another bizarre development, after an initial appeal for information, officers at Greenock Police Station were contacted in person by a man who described himself as a “God appointed slayer of the undead.” Professor Abraham Van Helsing, a Dutch national, offered Police Scotland his services in tracking down and “exterminating” what he described in an animated statement as “A Nosferatu! Das Vampyr! An unholy creature of the night which feeds upon the blood of the living!” After Professor Van Helsing produced a briefcase containing an assortment of religious artefacts and sharpened wooden stakes, which he referred to as his “holy weapons of divine reckoning” he was cautioned against wasting police time and removed from the station.
Over the course of the two weeks since the initial incidents, Police Scotland and NHS staff have continued to handle reports of similarly strange incidents. These include:
A break in at a mobile blood bank and the theft of several gallons of donations
Multiple cases of mental health patients in secure facilities eating insects and repeatedly making reference to “The Master”
A worrying surge in incidents of grave desecration of the recently deceased
Dubious, but apparently sincere reports of individuals capable of transforming into mists, bats, rodents and wolves.
Officers are particularly anxious for information relating to the whereabouts of Professor Abraham Van Helsing, who has not been seen since he was ejected from Greenock Police Station, but who investigators are keen to speak to regarding the outbreak in grave desecrations. Police Scotland have also released the above CCTV image of an individual they believe may be able to help with their enquiries. Anyone with information relating to any of these incidents should contact police.
Detective Inspector Lucille Westenra, who recently returned to work after a short illness, has urged the public to remain vigilant, and in a show of great community spirit, has assured citizens that she has made herself personally available to any concerned persons. “I feel bad that my recent bout of anaemia caused me to miss work, so if any delicious mortal, erm… I mean member of the public, has any information, after getting your express permission to enter your abode, I will personally visit your home. That way, I can really get my teeth into your… statement. Mwa-hahahahaha!” Good humoured DI Westenra added, “Be aware though, that as I work the nightshift I’ll only be able to respond to your call after sunset. I’d also request that any mirrors, crucifixes and garlic are removed from your house before I arrive. I’m just a bit weird that way. Mwa-hahahahaha!”
The investigation continues.
