Suicide

[RCMerchant]

I have been having bad thoughts lately. I found out things I don't care to deal with at this point in my life. I think about it alot. I don't want to go into too much, but I really am sick of it all and I just wish it would stop.
Tiana was seeing another guy. I don't wan't to kill him.
Bulls**t. If I seen him now, I'd murder him in a NY second. No thoughts. I have no problem with killing some motherf**ker. But she broke up with him (after 2 weeks) after meeting him online, and found out he has 2 pimp convictions and 3 felony convictions. Now she still wants to stay with me when she found out her online boyfreind-  who she went and spent the weekend with a couple days ago. I knew. She told me today. I knew- I'm not stupid.
And then asked me to look up his criminal record. Yeah. Then she told me she wasn't going to leave. That made me happy! Her boyfriend is a pimp  gangster. So she left him. And wants to stay with me. Dam! That makes me feel like a leftover.
I wish I was dead.  

Just want to mow down anything in my path and die at the end.
I don't say that to Tiana, because I love her, and I would rather die than hurt her.
I sure ain't scared to die. I been ready for decades to die.
And I sure ain't scared of jail. Even the biggest f**ker there can only ass rape me. And I will stick a pencil in his ear when he's sleeping. I been in jail many times. Don't scare me a hair.

[RCMerchant]

I'm thinking about borrowing my son's gun and taking that pimp mother f**ker out. I don't care if I get arrested- I'll kill myself after. Aint no thing, man. We all live- and we all die. I ain't scared of dying.
If I take that f**ker out I will die thinking I did something good for somebody.
I will not shoot a cop, but murdering the person I want to kill is a whole different story. I will shot that piece of s**t. I might pull a gun on a cop just so he kills me, because-that will make it easier than sticking a gun in my mouth.

[RCMerchant]

I know this sounds insane, but walk a mile in my shoes.

[Alex]

Sorry to hear all of this RC.

I know things hurt and feel all kinds of crazy but please don't mess up the rest of your life for this guy. Wish there was more I could say, but don't do something you'll regret.

[RCMerchant]

I don't regret anything ever. I'll take his head off his shoulders.
This may sound crazy- but It's not. I'll take that pimps head off his shoulders. I'm getting a .45 tommorow from a friend. If that f**ker comes around, I'll blow his brains out.
I stabbed a guy who jumped me and my brother Richie in NYC many years ago. I Don't feel s**t about it now. He jumped me- I had a boot knife- I stuck him hard. I don't know if he's dead.  I didn't stick around long enough to find out. That was in 1985.
I'm not proud of it, but if my family is involved, I have no problem killing a dumb f**k.

[RCMerchant]

If there is a God, please f**king help me.
Because I'm about to do something really awful.

[Alex]

I can talk to you on skype or something if you need someone to chat to.

Chances are someone is going to take this guy out sooner or later. It doesn't need to be you.

[Rev. Powell]

If there is a God, please f**king help me.
Because I'm about to do something really awful.

Don't do anything. Check your PMs.

[RCMerchant]

It's mostly over. But I'm still getting the gun. I don't play with players.

[Allhallowsday]

It's mostly over. But I'm still getting the gun. I don't play with players.

PM me your number when you get up.

[Allhallowsday]

Ron and I had a good talk.  He has anger and disappointment like all of us.  He writes about it, wants to talk about it.  Tiana is good.  He is good.

God bless us all that love and care.   

[RCMerchant]

John is right. I ain't over it, and I'm still getting the gun. But I don't think I'm going to kill myself or anyone else. If I don't have to. I've been been threw worse s**t than this, it just gets tiring. I get scared and angry, like everybody. Problem is ME. When I get angry I don't think about what the outcome will be. I just lash out like a moron.

[Allhallowsday]

John is right. I ain't over it, and I'm still getting the gun. But I don't think I'm going to kill myself or anyone else. If I don't have to. I've been been threw worse s**t than this, it just gets tiring. I get scared and angry, like everybody. Problem is ME. When I get angry I don't think about what the outcome will be. I just lash out like a moron.

See?  He's a genius.   

[RCMerchant]

I'm sorry I unloaded this drama on the good people of this board. But I  was alone and didn't want to really do what I was stewing about. I thank all of you for being kind to me. I'm crazy-and consider myself lucky to have people to talk to.
Much thanks to the good Rev, Alex and mostly John.
I love you all.

[pacman000]

We all need to talk sometimes. Hang in there. Praying for you, if the thought helps. Don't know what else to do.