Lake Thing (review)

The quotes in my previous post are from a movie I recently ordered called "Lake Thing." That's what the subtitles say the title is, anyway. Lake Thing was subtitled from Japanese into English by a Hong Kong company, which is great if you love Engrish.

Lake Thing is a Japanese ripoff of "Humanoids from the Deep". It involves a monster who clumsily walks out of an (obviously artificial) pond in the middle of what appears to be a Japanese trailer park to clumsily wave his arms at random girls wandering around in the middle of the day-for-night.

Our movie starts with Big-tit Woman selling her wares in the trailer park, if you know what I mean. Big-tit Woman is identified as Elaine in the subtitles but is called something like "Yukko" in the dialogue. And I'm not kidding about her endowment. I don't know if she's stuffed or what but they're mighty damn impressive. Along comes a cop (or constable, if you believe the subtitles) who arrests her and gives her grief for keeping good people up in the middle of the night. Problem is, it's high noon. If you thought Attack of the the Eye Creatures had bad day-for-night, then you've not seen anything.

Anyway, Big-tit Woman's sentence is to do chores for the people living in the trailer park. (???) Komedy results as she tries to weasel out of doing chores by offering to have sex with whoever it is that owns the house she's supposed to be cleaning that day. Of course all the homeowners, most of whom are young, single men oddly enough, react with horror at the thought of *gasp* having sex with an attractive woman.

Then we get an actual night shot. We can tell because we can't see a thing. A POV cam dimly observes a guy and a girl making out. We almost get to see some tiny, naked breasts before another guy comes along and fights the first guy. Then the girl screams off camera. The guys turn toward it. There's a growling kind of sound. The guys just stand there nonchalantly, almost as if they were actors who thought the shot was already finished.

The next day, the people are meeting and discussing what they can do to keep their daughters from being raped by the monster.

Then Big-tit Woman is offering to have sex with another guy. She begins taking off her clothes. He locks himself in his room and hides under his blanket to avoid her advances.

Somewhere else in the park, a Straight-laced father type is horrified when his son brings home his new car, a '60s-era Mustang. He proudly identifies it as a "Faa Tuu Ate Cabra Jetto" (he actually says that) which according to the subtitles is "4-2-8 cobra airplane". Then he opens the hood and we get a lengthy look at the engine, which is obviously NOT a 428. The "289" sticker on the air cleaner is a dead giveaway. The father is upset because his son will have to spend all his money feeding the filthy car made by those filthy Americans.

Then a guy is in his house with a woman. He tells her his sob story about being divorced. They start making out. His daughter is peeking through the door. Her brother thinks she shouldn't do that but she is happy that their father has a woman. Big-tit Lady walks by (???) and tries to peek, too. Divorced Guy throws open the door and knocks them all on their butts. They run away rather than face his wrath.

Later, a skinny little boy and a fat little girl are playing around the tiny, artificial pond in the middle of the trailer park. A vaguely fishy hand reaches out of the water and grabs the fat little girl's leg. Skinny Boy beats the hand with a rock and they run away. Skinny Boy tells Fat Girl not to tell anyone because girls shouldn't talk about such things.

That day-for-night, a young woman is walking around. She hears something behind her and turns around to see --- the actor wearing the Lake Thing costume! Lake Thing waves his arms in the young woman's general direction. She screams. Lake Thing waves his arms. Some of her clothes have come off. She screams and faints. We get an extreme close up on her face. Her skirt is tossed over it and there are squishing noises. I think that's supposed to mean . . . EWWWWWWWW!

The next day or whenever, Divorced Guy is having breakfast with his girlfriend and his kids when Fat Girl and Skinny Boy run in, blabbing about the monster. I guess Skinny Boy changed his mind about not talking. And, uh, I guess they're also Divorced Guy's kids . . . who have been out all day and all night.

Amazingly, Divorced Guy actually believes them and takes them to the Cop. Cop and Skinny boy go back to the pond and observe Lake Thing returning to it (what time is it supposed to be again?). Cop asks if that was the monster. Then he asks where it lives. This scene could have really used an editor.

Now that the trailer park people know where it lives, it's time for more Komedy from Big-tit Lady. This time she's offering herself to a lonely housewife. And the housewife eventually accepts! Her husband comes home and, hey, it's Cop! He finds them in bed and is outraged. Big-tit Lady makes some snide comments and Cop just stands there and fumes. (???)

Then the Punk Kid is arguing with his dad about the Mustang again. He leaves in a huff and picks up his girlfriend. They drive to -- bum bum BUM -- the pond! Punk goes for his Oscar and tries to emote and stuff while giving a heartfelt speech about how he respects his father even though his father is an utter bastard, yadda, yadda.

Here we get the movie's Amazing Scene. Lake Thing clumsily rises out of the pond in the background while Punk is on his spiel. Lake Thing takes a couple of steps, trips, and falls! Lake Thing gets back up, readjusts his mask, and resumes clumsily walking towards the car. All this happens in one, continuous take, without a single edit to hide it!

Eventually, the scene cuts and Punk asks his girlfriend for some oral sex. Since there was finally a cut, Lake Thing is free to utilize Off-Camera Teleportation to arrive at the car and wave his arms around. Punk hits the gas (without starting the motor) and we discover the reason for the Mustang's being in the movie: so the foley guy can use the engine noises from "Bullitt". Punk races around with the empty Lake Thing costume tied to the roof with obvious ropes while the roaring engines of both Steve McQueen's Mustang and Bill Hickman's Charger blast over the speakers at double the volume of any previous sound. Needless to say, the Mustang is moving quite slowly during all of this (and smoking like a chimney, too).

After a while, Lake Thing is tossed off the car and dies. The End. I'm serious. It just ends.

After watching this movie, about seventy minutes have passed. Nothing in your life will be any different. Without the hilariously bad Engrish subtitles, this movie is really nothing. Not even Lake Thing falling flat on his face in the mud is worth the migraine the bad script (script?) and horrible editing will leave you with.

Recommended for Engrish fans only.