Commercials I'd Kill You--Slowly--To See

[D]

Say, does anyone remember theose gladlock bag commercials? You know, the one where that creepy bald guy is talking to some lady saying:
"Well, here we have a lady we doesn't want to use our blue and yellow make green seal bags. So we are going to lock her in a phone booth wih her generic brand bag filled with KILLER BEES! and one of our bags, also filled with bees. Unless she agrees to buy only our brand from now on" The lady, terrified at this creepy bald guy, tearfully agrees to start buying their zip-lock bags, or else. he even shakes the bag at her and starts making 'buzzing' nosies at her. I would have paid good money to see her kick that dude right in the stomach, hiptoss his arse into the booth, then toss BOTH bags in there with him. All the while screaming: "I will buy any damn bags I want to buy you rat soup eating honkey mother******!"
D

[Squishy]

"Or how about the Dell guy coming up to a possible customer."

...Who turns out to be the Hag from "Evil Dead II." Aw yeah.

Dell Guy: "Dude...YAAAAAAAAA!!"
The Hag: "Dude! You're going to Hell!!!"
Dell Guy: "Not cool! Not cool! EEEEEE!!!"
The Hag: "Oh, shut up, Beavis."
(crunch crunch)

[J.R.]

How about a variation on the current Glad bag commercials?

"Mike Ditka is mad!"

 "That's 'cause your voice is grating enough to drive the deaf to suicide, lady! God!"

[AndyC]

The mention of fall TV lineups in a previous post reminded me of another type of commercial that gets on my nerves. A new TV show is coming, and it's billed as "the hottest new show of the season" before a single episode has aired. Talk about trying to brainwash people with bulls**t.

I'd suggest a more honest phrasing:
"You've seen it on the other networks. Hell, you've seen it on our network. The formula seems pretty successful to us, so we thought we'd throw more of the same s**t up the flagpole and see who salutes. See hot chicks and poofy young heartthrob actors to give you unrealistic fantasies. Live vicariously through them and forget your own pitiful existance for an hour a week (until syndication and daily bombardment). Enjoy plots that won't challenge your mental abilities, and a continuing story arc that gives you something to follow other than current events. Not to worry, we throw in just enough timely issues for us to pretend it's saying something important. Don't miss it."

[Future Blob]

  Or it could say, "This might be a good show, it might not, but watch it or many people will be out of a job. You wouldn't want to make people lose their job, would you?" Or: "Join the Collective. Watch Our Show."

  How about, "PBS: We Know Where You Live."

  I like the Dell/Evil Dead one. After the Hag gets him, it could show him lying there until some foolish person reaches down to help. At which point The Man Himself comes in and utters those famous words: "It's a trick. Get an axe." You could show the Dell kid's eyes getting real big when he hears that. Cut to black and a satisfying thwack.

[Flangepart]

Hair loss commercials.
....As a man with no problims about the fact that i'm not loseing hair, i'm gaining scalp, i reeeely hate those deals where they try to make you proud of "Doing a shatner".
....Look, Connery is bald, Stewart is bald, G. Gordon Liddy is bald, Yul Brenner was bald....it ain't so bad! Its freakin' life, ya jamokes!
....Heck, Even Lando Molari's Love of his life was bald, and she wern't too bad.( I prefer my ladies with long hair, but thats me..)
....Get, a freakin clue, hair club for men. And you guys with the "Head paint". Yeah, i'm lookin' at you. I don't care... deal with it!
....Oh, and Carrot top should die a lingering death in the pit of the Sarlac.

[John]

>I'd like to see a pregnancy test ad where a woman gets a positive result...then
>walks into the bathroom with a coat hanger. Actually, I wouldn't LIKE to see that,
>but it would be a twist.

 I read an article once that said the one commercial you'll never see is a woman unhappy over a positive result, because that would bring up thoughts of abortion.

>The mention of fall TV lineups in a previous post reminded me of another type of
>commercial that gets on my nerves

 I'd like to see them air one that says; "This show is intelligent and will probably attract a large cult audience, so make sure to tape it because we're probably going to cancel it after about 5 episodes."

One set of commercials that have been bugging me lately are the ones with the babies doing some adult task when they notice something leaking, so they use their diapers to stop the leak. If they're smart enough to figure out how to do that, why are they still wearing diapers??? Oh, and the ads for Expedia.com; "Change your search without using the back button." What, do these people have computers that shock them every time they click the back button? I want to see one where the guy doesn't get the search results he wants and then starts shaking and whining "Oh dear god, I can't start another search from here, I have to use the BACK BUTTON!!!" Another guy walks up, asks what the big deal is and then clicks it for the guy, who screams in terror and runs off camera.

[Dano]

Yes - the Dell guy can't die soon enough to suit me.

How about the Energizer Bunny getting hacked to pieces with a machete by Jason from the Friday the 13th movies.  As Jason walks off we see a Duracell battery poking through the rotting flesh on his back.

[ErikJ]

http://www.mustbedestroyed.com

[AndyC]

Ah yes, diaper commercials.The one that gets me is the Pull-Ups training pants. You know, "I'm a big kid now." It shows the kid opening the drawer, getting out a fresh pair and putting them on. He can do all that, but he can't use a toilet yet.

I agree that hair replacement commercials are annoying. I keep my head shaved, so I might be biased. Still, I don't agree with playing on people's insecurity to sell products and I especially don't like the way they talk about a perfectly natural and normal thing like it's some kind of disease.

[AndyC]

One other thing about hair replacement ads. In a lot of them, the people always strike me as more likeable in the before pictures. I don't know if it's because they're trying to look confident in the after pictures, or what, but they always seem to look like a***oles in the after pictures.

Besides, there is something really unnatural about a middle-aged man with the hairline of a teenager.

[John Morgan]

Energizer Bunny arrested.

Charged with battery.

[J.R.]

And how about the ads for those clear braces? Someone with normal braces smiles and everyone looks appalled. Braces are a very normal, every-day thing, and no one really cares if you have them or not.

One I'd like to se:

"I have to take pills for my genital herpes, because I'm a whore. These pills are easier to take because I only have to remember take two a day instead of five, and that's good because whores have terrible memory."

[Lee]

Yeah what's up with clear braces? When it came time to for me to get braces do you know what I wanted. I wanted the old kind. The big, radio wave, wrap around the head, rusty kind. I thought it'd be cool. Damn orthodontest gave me just the regular ones. I was dissapointed.

[John]

There used to be an ad for a cleaning product that started out; "If you have men or boys in your home, your bathroom probably needs cleaning every day." What? Like men just aim in the general direction of the toilet from 3 feet away?