PAX: Bad Movie Heaven

[Squishy]

Okay, last Friday you probably missed "Tornado Warning," a total-washout "Twister" ripoff starring what's-his-name from "Major Dad," Joan Van Ark in the Most Embarassing Performance In Her Already-Sad Career, and the usual flashes of bad CGI. Not as awful as, say, "Atomic Twister," but pretty damn bad, and wholly unoriginal.  

But this Friday, you must not miss "The Omega Code!" Watch Casper Van Dien, Michael York, and Michael Ironside show the world why they should never be hired again. CGI by Atari, plot by Satan.

Keep 'em coming, PAX!

[Cullen]

What's-his-name is Gerald McRaney, star of the "classic" Night of Bloody Horror .  I'll always think of him as Rick Simon from Simon and Simon .  God, I loved that show.

I have a hard time with the concept of any movie Joan Van Ark is in being worse than The Last Dinosaur .  Now, I like Last and all, but that's because I watched it as a kid, and some of those Kid Vibes still get me when I see it.  It really should be the low point in any one's career, and if Tornado Warning 's worse, well, I pity Van Ark something fierce.

[Vermin Boy]

PAX is all well and good when it comes to bad movies, but it can't hold a candle to the UHF station it bought out and replaced in my area; it played stuff like War of the Gargantuas, Plan 9, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, The Creeping Terror, Glen or Glenda... Just thinking about it makes me curse PAX and everything it stands for.

[electroaddict]

Friday Night Flix: Omega Code
Friday, September 20th 8/7pm
Ancient codes hidden within the Torah reveals the secrets of global events, past (i.e. Hitler, the Kennedy assassination, the Gulf War), present, and future. One man who is determined to get the Code, seeks the power to change the world as we know it...for the worse!

...sounds fantastic :) lol
--e

[Steven Millan]

                       Michael Ironside's career thankfully won't be killed by his yeoman work on "the Omega Code",since he's got plenty of direct-to-video movies riding along our way within the next several years,thanks to the producers who vividly remember his immortal role as the lead villain of "Scanners"(which,of course,led onto many more lead villain roles to come).

[Squishy]

For Brad: Michael York (AKA Logan, Basil Exposition) as the Anti-Christ? Yes, that DOES scare me, but not it the way they had hoped. This made a fair amount of box-office, using a similar technique to that which Scientologists use to make their books "bestsellers," plus the same sort of phony buzz that was used to make "The Blair Witch Project" a hit. (Interesting bedfellows, yes?) Spawned a direct-to-video sequel.

"Absolutely, Austin! I am the Devil Incarnate!"

For Cullen re "Tornado Warning:" Yes, Joan is actually worse here.  

SPOILERS if anyone cares:

She plays the Mayor of Two River Bend, which is going to have a parade the day Major Dad's magical tornader-predictin' machine says an F-5 is going to wipe the town out. (THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S THE "JAWS" ROUTINE.) She even has her deputy thrown Major Dad's sidekick in the hoosegow fer tryin' to panic the townfolk. She even mentions a Native American ritual that is supposed to protect the town, providing the "pagan blasphemy" that will be struck down by the Wrath O'God ©. (This is on PAX remember.)

Unfortunately, Major Dad doesn't know what he's doing, really, so a day earlier he called a press conference to "prove" his machine worked--and it didn't. So even though the thing's fixed now, no one believes him--THE FOOLS! God will punish! Punissshhhhh!

He does save everyone in town by herding them into a basement, except the Mayor, who gets swept up, car and all, into the F-5. This leads to two post-twister jawdroppers:

(1) A news reporter states that the entire town was wiped out, except for one building (where Major Dad took everyone, natch). Behind her, we can see that this is not true: she's standing in a vacant lot full of "debris," but the rest of the town is fine.

(2) The reporter also says that there are no casualties. Wait, you say, what about the Mayor? She's O-KAY! Still wearing her cowboy hat and barking into her megaphone, she is shown being loaded into an ambulance. She is "in shock," yelling about getting the parade started and reminding everyone to re-elect her. Ha ha. God's Vengence © is complete. The ambulance doors close on an embarassing finale to a lousy career. Bye, Joan--say hi to Margot Kidder for us if you see her at the treatment center.

END SPOILERS

So the machine basically only helps if people are too stupid to get inside during a violent storm, and even then it's iffy. No one takes the advance warning seriously, no one does anything unusual, no one goes for shelter until the last second, yet everyone survives, including the people who stay outdoors. That's...an interesting moral you guys got going there.

Here's hoping PAX scrapes up "Left Behind: The Movie" too. They're saving me a bit of change, and I just fast-forward through the commercials anyway. (Cackles, disappears in a burst of flame.)

[Cullen]

I...I just don't know what to say.  You're not supposed to top The Last Dinosaur .  It's...it's just not right.

And Rick...my God.  Look how the mighty have fallen.  I know, one detective t.v show and sit-com doesn't make one mighty, but, gee whiz.  I mean, gee whiz.

Has McRaney ever been in a good movie?   Jameson Parker (A. J. Simon) was in Prince of Darkness at least.
_____________________________________________________________________
Fun Fact to Note:  McRaney is staring in all of these Moving Christian Series (PAX stuff).  Parker appears in   Prince of Darkness .  The two played brothers on Simon &Simon .

Cain and Abel?  Or am I a loon?  (Of course I am.  Just humor me.)

[Squishy]

Don't forget Major Dad's (sorry, he'll forever be Major Dad to me) WB series, the PAXish "Promised Land" (AKA "Home of the Brave").
-------------------------
Secretary: "The cast of "Wings" wants another season."
Satan: "Tell them some things are beyond even MY control! RAAAAAAAAGH!"
--"The Critic"

[John]

>Has McRaney ever been in a good movie?

I have good memories of American Justice (AKA Jackals) which stars both Simon's brothers.

[Cullen]

I wrote:

"Has McRaney ever been in a good movie?"

John replied:

"I have good memories of American Justice (AKA Jackals) which stars both Simon's brothers."

I responed:

Question withdrawn then.

[Flangepart]

Man. You sure lucked onto a cheese fest here, dude. Mind numbing stuff...if i had a mind.

[Squishy]

I'm fifteen minutes into "The Omega Code," and...it's...killing...me. I fully expect Ambassador Krankor to come running out at any moment, barking, "Ya scum!!" Casper Van Dien--the poor man's Michael Biehn--is performing a miracle even now: redefining "ACTING!!!!" without emoting. Uh-oh...here...come...the...BOILS...

[Foywonder]

The sequel was called MEGIDDO. It opened in theaters the Friday following 9/11. It is one of the most unintentionally hysterical movies you will ever see.

MEGIDDO IS THE FIRST TRUE CAMP CLASSIC OF THE 21ST CENTURY!

http://nowff.hypermart.net/foy_1001.html

Read for yourself and tell me you don't want to see it for yourself!

[Squishy]

B'God, that was horrible. Just horrible. There's a lot of crap flying about from the get-go--for example, the suggestion the Bible is supposed to be examined "in three dimensions," or endless shots of the same text being analyzed over and over again resulting in the usual vague prophecy malarky--the text even appears in the form of an animated DNA molecule for no discernable reason--but once the "unfriendly ghost" CGI effects start tormenting Casper, "The Omega Code" takes the final leap into stupidity in its purest form. The final two or three minutes are astonishing. Oh, somebody's going to Hell for this!

"The Omega Code" is the sort of thing Jack T. Chick would be making if he had money.

Next week on PAX is "Heart of Fire," a Patrick Duffy telemovie, based on a true incident, but doubtlessly turned into a sugary soup. Otherwise, it wouldn't be on PAX.

[Foywonder]

I saw OMEGA CODE in a theater where some people started applauding at the end. Apparently they had never actually seen a movie before.

MEGIDDO on the other hand is ever bit as funny as OMEGA CODE in unwatchable.