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April 24, 2018, 02:17:55 AM
596209 Posts in 45936 Topics by 6104 Members
Latest Member: shawnyadav Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  COW THEORY OF GOVERNMENT « previous next »
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Author Topic: COW THEORY OF GOVERNMENT  (Read 2727 times)
Fearless Freep
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 2328

« on: December 03, 2002, 10:18:31 PM »

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell
one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to
your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man
in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for
the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking one.

You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick
some fat cow from Arkansas

Going places unmapped, to do things unplanned, to people unsuspecting
Steve B
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2002, 10:34:15 PM »

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  The Cow Theory of Government is soooo true!!! I Love it!! Who knew cows could represent reality so well.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 122
Posts: 2881

« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2002, 06:19:55 AM »

Spanish corporation:

There's a milk sortage and everybody blames the government
The government accepts the EEC cows he refused before
People complains
The government claims that not a single government in the world has its own cows
The people plan a general strike
The government blames the previous one for the cow shortage
The strike is cancelled because it coincides with a soccer match

Due to the horrifying nature of this film, no one will be admitted to the theatre.
Bad Movie Lover

Karma: 3
Posts: 392

« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2002, 06:50:34 AM »

The number of brown and black cows is almost even.
People pick the cows they like the best.
Only brown and black cows can be picked, because farmers who raise cows of different colors don't have enough money to make a serious bid.
Black cows are picked by the majority, but this isn't necessarily representative of all people's feelings as only 1/3 of them made their voices heard.
Farmers of brown cows are p**sed and blame everyone and everything except themselves and conclude that those who voted for black cows were duped, baited or otherwise stupid, and that their opinion really doesn't matter because they'll challenge every single thing the black cows ever do.
Black cows will have to put up with constant bickering from whiny brown cows for at least two more years.

Wow. Bovine analogies are fun!!!


~I cried because I no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet. I killed him and made shoes out of his skin.~
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2002, 11:39:52 AM »

South Carolina Cows
You have two cows, one mostly black with some white splotches, the other mostly white with some black splotches.
The mostly white one wants to fly a confederate flag, the mostly black one calls it cowist (?)  They argue over it for a long time, while not producing any milk.  Then they argue over whether mustard-based barbecue sauce is superior to vinegar-based, then over whether Clemson or USC is better.  They still don't produce any milk.

Fighting an urge to shoot them both, you decide to ignore them and raise sheep.
Global Moderator
B-Movie Kraken

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Posts: 11156

« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2002, 12:01:45 PM »

Canadian Government:

After years of neglecting your fences, cows from around the area are free to wander into your pasture. You happily feed them along with your own cattle but are reluctant to milk them or even figure out how they got there. Other farmers come to expect this of you. Your own cattle are expected to produce enough to keep your badly managed farm profitable, but are mostly interested in coffee, doughnuts and American television. To make matters worse, your boss is a cranky old farmer who no longer cares but won't retire. But it's all OK, as long as everyone thinks you're a nice person.


"Join me in the abyss of savings."
Dedicated Viewer

Karma: 0
Posts: 27

« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2002, 01:19:54 PM »

cows go MOOO


When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
Pete B6K
Bad Movie Lover

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Posts: 183

« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2002, 02:40:20 PM »

You have lots of cows and a gun. Your neighbour has 2 cows, one black and one brown. You prefer the brown one so you go over to his farm and kill the black one. Then he complains so you kill him too. Then you replace him with a farmer you approve of, who is willing to only farm brown cows.

(I've been reading quite a lot of Che Guevara's stuff recently)

Maury Povich #1:
You have one cow and and lots of bulls. The cow has a calf, but you want to know which bull fathered the calf. So you test 15 bulls DNA, to no avail. You suggest that the cow stop sleeping around so much.

Maury Povich #2:
You have cows that look like bulls and bulls that look like cows. You get all the other farmers to guess whther each cow is really a cow, or a bull, and whether each bull is really a bull, or a cow. The other farmers all think you're an idiot.

(I think those are the only two ideas he's got.  Not political I know, but this cow thing works for everything.)
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 9408

« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2002, 06:10:01 PM »

You have a herd of Sexy cows and Beefcake bulls.
Each year, the calfs are painted to look exactly like the parent cows, and are then sold to the public as "Exciting, new, unique" cows of the future. Meanwhile, the public sees the same old bull and cow show, and wonders why they are the one getting milked.
Now...what would be the cow theory of B-movies?

"Aggressivlly eccentric, and proud of it!"
Bad Movie Lover

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Posts: 396

« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2002, 06:18:01 PM »

The Cow Theory of B-Movies

A herd of cows is lured into a slaughter house on a dare where a rain-coated psycho awaits with a sledge hammer.  The cows have sex and drink beer and laugh about the spooky stories they've heard about the place.  One cow breaks out a bottle of A-1 steak sauce, terrifying the other cows and getting a mix of laughter and shock that he'd carry such a horrible thing.  Then, one by one, they wander from the herd to dark corners of the building.  Suddenly, the psycho leaps out...


Replace the cow with a sort-of-real-looking papier mache cow head full of strawberry jam or salsa or something...


Splat!  The sledge hammer comes down on the fake cow head and splashes the obviously fake "blood" everywhere.  Cut to a scene in which the cow is placed in a fake meat grinder...  Cut again to a scene where the psycho is grilling a hamburger (don't worry, folks - it's really turkey burger) and getting ready for a feast.


"Today's Sermon: Homer Rocks!"
Fearless Freep
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 15
Posts: 2328

« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2002, 06:39:46 PM »

The Cow Theory of B-Movies

This is turning into a "Far Side" cartoon


Going places unmapped, to do things unplanned, to people unsuspecting
Cool Tester
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2002, 07:13:12 PM »

You have many cows that produce milk.  You would like to have more cows since your current cows are getting old and inefficient at producing milk.  Unfortunately, milk is bad for the environment.  Many protests are held against the creation of new cows.  Soon, the demand for milk exceeds the amount of milk the cows can produce.  There are "rolling cow-outs" all across the state, in which milk is completely unavailable.  In spite of milk-capping, the price of milk sky rockets.  Because people cannot live without milk the are forced to pay for the high-priced milk.  To explain all of this, Cow Corporations (who have a stranglehold on milk) are blamed, as are politicians from Texas.  It is believed that the evil "Cow-porations" secretly manipulate milk production so as to cause skyrocketing prices, which make the rich richer and the poor poorer.

This is kinda fun.
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2002, 04:58:57 PM »

One cow escapes the carnage.  This cow dabbles in the black arts in hopes of resurrecting all the other cows.  The incantation goes horribly wrong (Things I learned from this movie:  don't substitute moo for actual words) and the other cows are brought back as zombie cows. . .
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 8448

I know where my towel is.

« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2002, 08:27:41 PM »

raj wrote:
> ... the other cows are brought back as zombie cows. . .

This reminds me of "The Little Vampire" with the vampire cows.  Not a good memory.  And the cows were the best part.


Andrew Borntreger
Funk, E.
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2002, 09:27:17 PM »

Having just bilked Cow-ifornia of all of it's milk, money and milk-money you sequester your ill gotten product in an offshore pasturization factory and promptly tell everyone who deregulated your opperation that you in fact produce neither cows or milk. You shred all your records, declare bankruptcy and retire to the pasturization factory.
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