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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  It finally happened. A film so bad it reduced me to tears. « previous next »
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Author Topic: It finally happened. A film so bad it reduced me to tears.  (Read 2194 times)
akiratubo
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« on: February 18, 2003, 02:07:20 AM »

I've sat through "Headless Eyes", "The Jar", the uncut "Manos", anime too horrible to mention, and other movies so bad they challenge my faith in humanity.  Most of them bored me, some of them p**sed me off, some of them made me hit "STOP".

None of them made me cry.

"The New Adventures of Pinocchio" made me cry.

This is an animated film, Russian in origin I think.  Carlo Collodi probably didn't just turn over in his grave, his zombie probably dug its way out and sought revenge on the makers of this thing.

The only thing I can really do is tell you some of the stuff that happens.  Keep in mind I'm not exagerrating or embellishing in any way.

The movie begins with an insane man who talks to people who aren't there discovering that a piece of wood he has can talk.  He gives the wood to Gipetto and they share a glass of blood.

Gipetto creates a little, effeminte wooden boy who promptly tries to murder Jimminy Cricket with a hammer and is then attacked by a rat nearly as big as Gipetto.

Instead of going to school, Pinocchio sells his schoolbooks to a kid wearing a newspaper boat on his head for a ticket to the circus.

The circus is full of other living dolls who are abused by their master, a 20' tall man who eats children and has a wizard nailed to his wall.

The giant gives Pinocchio some gold coins (the amount of which varies throughout the film).  A cross-dressing fox and a hobo cat try to steal the money from Pinocchio by dressing in Ku Klux Klan uniforms and chasing him through the forest, firing sawed-off muskets at him.  Pinocchio eats the coins so they string him up in a tree to try and force him to barf the coins out.

Pinnochio is found by a gay dog (there's no question) who can command ants.  The dog is owned by a scary looking porcelin woman who holds Pinocchio prisoner and forces him to accept her home schooling.

The fox and the cat later recapture Pinocchio and take him to their world where animals are all sentient.  The encourage him to dig a hole and defecate the gold coins into the hole so a magic tree will grow.  Instead of going directly into the hole, Pinocchio craps them into his pants and scoops them out.

Wolf policemen with partially exposed spines throw Pinocchio into a river populated with talking frogs who wear colored thongs.  A turtle tells him that the giant (who's been pursuing Pinocchio for the length of the movie) possesses a key that will open a secret door in Gipetto's house.

Pinocchio steals the key and the giant, a priest, and the fox and the cat chase him trying to get it back.  Doll woman and her gay dog show up.  The dog throws the giant's hunting dogs off a cliff, dry humps the priest, and then tears the fox and the cat limb from limb.  He wears the fox's severed tail like a boa.

Pinocchio and Gipetto use the key to open the secret door in Gipetto's house that leads to a freaking enormous set of catacombs.

They find, in the depths of the earth, a theater for living dolls.  There's a huge musical number in which they turn the giant into a puppet, rip off his arms and his legs, dance around him, and his head turns into a chicken.  It's not really a chicken it's Pinocchio wearing a decapitated chicken's head.

The End

I didn't mention the songs.  There are some songs.  Some BAD VERY BAD songs.  They're the kind of songs that make you take an icepick and jam it into your ears.

Does this movie sound fun?  It isn't.  It's just bad.  The only reason I kept watching was because I literally could not believe what I was seeing.  I didn't touch half of how bizarre this movie is.

Be afraid, be very afraid, for you too might come across this movie someday.
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Brother Ragnarok
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2003, 04:04:35 AM »

I WANT to come across this movie, and soon!  It sounds too cool for words.  I have no idea how this could be bad.  Especially the wolves with exposed spines.  Suddenly I feel all nostalgic for Friday the 13th 7...

Brother R
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Squishy
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« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2003, 05:22:25 AM »

You know, in the original story, Pin DOES shut up the Cricket by squishing him with a hammer. I was a little shocked to find that out. Say what you will about Disney, his versions of some stories have perfectly understandable changes.

  "Pinocchio, I feel sorry for you," the cricket sighed.
  "Why?"
  "Because you're a puppet."
  "So? You're a cricket."
  "Yes, but you're the one with the wooden head!"
  At this, Pinocchio jumped up in a fury, took one of Geppetto's hammers from the bench, and threw it at the Talking Cricket.
  Perhaps the marionette did not think the hammer would strike the Cricket. But, sad to relate, it did, straight on its little Cricket head. With a last weak, "Cri-cri-cri", the poor Cricket fell from the wall, dead.

...But, just like in so many Disney toons, death doesn't stick. The Cricket rises from the grave some thirty chapters later, none worse for wear--and incredibly forgiving, sanctimonious little bastard that he is.

Anyway, I have to find this sucker now.  See what you've done? If Brother Ragnarok and I wind up clawing our own eyes out, it'll be your fault! :)
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Squishy
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« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2003, 05:26:01 AM »

http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hp&cf=prev&id=1808405415

Oh. Oh my gggggghhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd. (Spews.)

...I...I was looking for this sucker and I think something even WORSE is coming. Click HERE or cut-n-paste the URL above. But latch onto your cookies first, they're coming up hard and fast.
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raj
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« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2003, 09:50:30 AM »

I have to agree with Brother R, this sounds way cool, in a completely bizarre way.  Add another one for eyeball-scratching-out.
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Neville
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2003, 10:19:54 AM »

Shhh.... Shhhh.... Don't cry anymore Akira, take this kleenex, it's almost unused... Ease, baby, ease, and above all things, don't watch the upcoming Pinocchio by Roberto Benigni. From what I heard from "Ain't it cool news?" it's even worse.
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Vermin Boy
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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2003, 12:49:50 PM »

That's the thing about this board. Any warning to avoid a movie will just make our mouths water. Of course, now I need to find a copy, too...

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-Vermin Boy

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My band: The Demons of Stupidity
?????: ?????
Todd R.
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« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2003, 01:09:27 PM »

Beyond the killing of the Cricket, there are other things in Akira's description that match Collodi's book. For instance, Pinocchio is hung by the neck from a tree when he refuses to hand over the gold coins.

However, he certainly isn't forced to "squeeze 'em out" in the manner portrayed in the film...
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Flangepart
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2003, 03:46:01 PM »

What i gotta know....what kind of drugs could make THIS film reach script stage?
My.......God....Akira, how did you survive?

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"Aggressivlly eccentric, and proud of it!"
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