"OUTLAW OF GOR"(1989)
Hello Folks:
I had just rented “Outlaw of Gor” from a local video store. Now would someone please tell me where are the outlaws in this movie? But most importantly, for a supposedly swords and sandals flick where is the action. Basically, the hero, an Earthman named John Cabot, kills a couple of gladiators (Two out-of-shape black guys in S. & M. leather clothing) in the arena in front of very-bored, un-excited crowd and overthrows the evil ruler in the process.
In the old heroic fantasy flick, the hero, John Cabot, would have pick up a couple of boulders or tables and throw them at the palace guards while the local citizenry were rioting in the streets. Here, a couple of extras in the crowd says “Yea!” a lot and waves theirs clenched fists around. In the old genre picture you would have rebels meeting with the muscle-bound hero and talking about how the evil leader is suppressing them. It would be follow by a couple of scenes showing the monarch abusing her power with virgin sacrifices, high taxes, and allowing a foreign power to dictate the lives of her once-loyal subjects.
In “Outlaw,” you get none of that. The hero and his midget sidekick, Tarl, are the only ones complaining about the evil Queen Laura’s injustices toward her people. It seems that her subjects are happy with having slavery exiting in their society, moreover, having their new queen murdered the old king, her late husband. Even the king’s beautiful hot babe daughter, Princess Telena was not all that concern with leading the people in revolt to restore her to her rightful place on the throne.
How come the princess has a darker skin tone than her pale, white-skinned father? Did the old boy fool around with a dusty-skinned servant gal when he was younger? Ain’t kings supposed to shipped off their illegit heirs to the throne somewhere so that his back alley indulgences would be so bloody noticeable around his royal count. Kings usually get in a lot of trouble with the upper classes for marrying and daring to put a commoner on the throne.
A little sidenote to the movie. You can tell when a movie is bad when it ripe off the soundtrack from the two Hercules movies with Lou Ferrigno, and the title song from The Barbarian with David and Peter Paul. Or when there is more eroticism in the movie, Flashdance, with Jennifer Beals than it is in this entire film. By the way, the dancers at the royal palace were very uncoordinated, and their scenes were filmed in long shots. Why in these swords and sandals films the director has to have a very lame three to five minutes worth of tribal dance sequences? A dance number that is no way represented the culture of the people the hero is trying to help. For a modern swords and sandals movie, the sex is very tame. There is more sexual going-ons in a Vampira movie than either in the two Hercules films, The Barbarian, and the two Gor movies combined!!
By the way, John and Tarl the sidekick talks about the old king’s plans to end slavery on the planet. However, while the old king was alive he never did mention it. Besides, there was no showing that the old dude had an army or lets alone any council of wise elders to help carry out this bold plan. Again, that is just plain lame.
Gee, what is up the writer and the director here? They did not follow some of the rules or convictions of the genre, that their picture was being set in. It seems John Cabot is only one that is upset that slavery exists on this planet. This is a fantasy world with a mediaeval setting. Dose the white-skinned, blue-eyed wonder expect it be the enlightened Age? Even the United States had slaves during that period. Get real, folks! Besides, Cabot makes his point by freeing the most beautiful woman on the auction block, leaving the rest to their individual fates. Hey, buddies, the fantasy hero is supposed get very upset at people being enslaved and not just one person.
You are supposed to have a scene where the hero gets another chance to displayed his manly, oily chest. It required him burst onto the block and tries to free all the slaves, not just the prettiest one in the group. By the way, during the rounding up the potential slaves, the extras are receiving no directions from the director as far where they should go and how they should react in the scene. It looks like most of them were just wandering around without any stage direction.. I would have sworn a lot of them acted like they were watching a movie being film made, instead acting and being in one. Boy, talk about being LAME!!!
There was no scene of John Cabot being overcome, very stupidly, by massive amount of either the palace guardsmen or the slavers themselves.
What should have follow, is the scene where the evil ruler spares the loincloth hero’s life. The slave leader would have spare the life of the trouble-maker. The head slaver would have figure it a shame to waste a just valuable man of muscle, instead of killing him outright. Therefore, the ruler has the hero sentenced to the dreaded mines of Wongo-Wongo for the rest of his life.
There our boy will be surround by various weak-body extras. He comes off looking like a Mr. Olympia superheavy division winner compares to the rest of the hard working, supposedly buff up slaves that he is being forced to work besides. It also gives the audience the chance to admired the massive amount of muscular definition as he goes about lifting or moving very heavy objects. While imprisoned, the semi-naked, sweat- ladened John Cabot gives the big Oscar speech to his fellow slaves about the rights of all (white) men to be free. (At a time where only white land-owning malea has the say in their government.)
Then one day, Cabot gets push to far by the crude overseer. (While, the hero is suffering the harshness of slavery it helps to have someone just as powerfully-built and as super-strong as the bronzed, muscular hero to control him.) He had enough and preceded to break his chains. What should come next, is the exciting fight scene between p**s off movie hero and taunting supervillain.
Your audience is supposed to be rooting as their hero who had gloriously survived the worse the villain has done to him, now comes back in style, kicking the villain’s butt all over the place. The fun part is seeing a slim actor with a slight built break free. Hey, his chains are supposed to be kind of extra-thick and extra-heavy, too and made of solid iron that is freshly forged. I expect Conan the Barbarian to break free of them and not some one hundred and seventy pound little girlie-man.
A huge, massive guy weighing over two and thirty pounds gives you the exciting illustration of fantastic strength within their mythical characters. Here, the fantasy hero is played by a guy who looks like he has just wander off the magazine cover of G.Q. He has a great-looking face and a body that is built for a long-distance runner, not for powerlifting. The kind of person who looks good in yuppie busieness suit. However, he is still totally unconvincing in his scanty leather underwear. Anyway, the Cabot has broken the strongest of slave chain, and he then leads the others in revolting against their crude masters. Gee, what an enjoyable movie, that would had been, instead of this turkey!
The evil queen Laura is portrays as a sex-hungry slut who can not get enough. It seems her only plan or goal as far ruling the kingdom, is to tries to get the true-blue hero into her bed. I thought the goal of every usurper was to rule the world and built an empire in the process, or otherwise why bother plotting the death of the old king. She at least should have done something in the movie to make her reign worthwhile. She could have brought Gor kicking and screaming into Twentieth Century like Hitler and Stalin did with their respected countries. She could have tax the upper classes to death and be called a Tax and Spend Liberal Democrat by them. She could favor one religion over another and p**s off the ancient priest of the old order. Anything but ‘the old I going to spend my entire reign chasing after the hero who I know cannot stand the very-sight of me and who really love the beautiful, pure-heart Princess Telena,' instead.
By the way, if you are going to show people running around in scantily period costumes, at least get people who look nice or damned great in them. There is nothing more horrifying as watching a bunch of out-of-shape actors parading around on the screen in clothing showing their butt-ugly cheeks hanging out. Please based your film on fantasy drawings or paintings where the artists displayed only super well-fit people in scanty outfits.
Also it helps to choreographed fight scenes better. There was a couple of times in the movie, where someone is shown being gutted by sword that so obviously miss him that was pathetic to show it. If you are going to have Princess Telena fight-to-the-death, then do not show heroine in flashdance outfits or eighties-style aerobics exercise clothes. Please do not have the heroine roll around constantly on the floor or doing acrobatics stunts while sword fighting. Why is the evil queen only dressed in one outfit throughout the movie? It looks like a very formal one-piece swimsuit for low-rent, white trash beauty pageants. Next time, please get an actress who’s entire acting range is not one of dull surprise. I have seen better porno actresses with more range and depth than this so-called seasoned professional.
Why is heroine and the hero and his sidekick are the only ones participating in the open rebellion. Ain’t the subjugated masses supposed to be part of the general upraising, too. It seen that the people in the movie just stand around and lazily watch the action. Oh, where have you gone Reg Park, Steve Reeves and Gordon Scott. At least in their old movies, they would have been concern with getting all the people to help them, instead of just one pretty woman.
At least, the pretty woman would have fall in love with Cabot along the way. Here, the Earthling fantasy hero frees her and they escape from the slavers together. Afterwards, he doses not want have anything further to do with her, because he loves another. Part of the attraction of being a fantasy hero, is that the overly-manly guy in loincloth is walking sex magnet for the chicks. Part of the fun, was seeing the hero like James Bond, having and bedding down with as many willing women as he can get. To top it all off, the newly-freed woman disappears from the rest of the movie. What is up with that? Usually, back in the day, the other woman would have fall in love with the hero’s faithful sidekick or brother. Here, she is just window-dressing to prove how faithful the hero is to his beloved princess. I guess the director or producer had a girlfriend he wanted to impress, by putting into this movie.
By the way, what kind of fantasy hero allows himself to be capture and taken prisoner by one lone man. John Cabot is sleeping when the queen’s chief henchman, The Hunter, sneak up on him and karate chopped him on the shoulder to knock him out. Folks, you are supposed to aim the blow at the back of the neck to make the guy unconscious. The way it was done was just plain bad. A good fantasy writer would have had the hero being keenly alert with one eye open while sleeping. How many times have anyone seen a western where the hero is out in the open with no weapon by his side as the evil group of Indians or white bandits sneak up on him. Never!!!
Then the next scene is where the hero, the sidekick, and the newly-freed woman are in chains being lead back to city by one lone man. At least, Conan or even Hercules would have made the villain wish that he found someone else to capture. If the person is supposed the best bad-ass warrior on Gor, then have scenes where he proved it. I do not think having him knocking out beggars at the slave market proves anything to the viewers. In the old days, a god writer and equally good director, would had shown The Hunter trying his best to track the barbarian hero. Then in the end, being outsmarted and even killed by such a person. Here, it was just plain lame!
Then after the bound trio gets back to the city, the evil Queen Laura Princess Telena paid the henchman his reward money and the hero dose not even said anything liked, “I’ll be back!” Or “You really shouldn’t have left me alive, mister!” Something to indicate there will be a day of reckoning between the hero and the chief henchman. How lame is that!
Then come another scene where the High Priest, Xeno, wants to kill Cabot outright while the evil Queen is horny and desperately in need of some good old fashion loving from the Blonde, blue-eyed wonder. Each of them takes turns of having the hero unlocked from his chains so he can proposition by either partner. The lamest of the lame, folks! Look, if a person comes to power upon the strange, unexplained death of the old ruler, the first thing you do is get rid of the old guard or the heirs immediately. The evil ruler would have the people either draw and quarter or simple hang or beheaded on the spot. You do not try to make deals with people who are not interested in making them with you, and are only intents in seeing you dead.
By the way, when the old king is killed, where are the palace guards during this time. After he has died, it took a long time to get the guards to come running to the king’s royal chambers. Then when the evil queen denounced Cabot, they just stood around until the queen killed the loyal advisor all by herself. Afterwards, they go after the exceptionally, slow-footed hero and his very-faithful sidekick. When they finally catches with the dynamic duo, they oh course, are quickly overcome by them. I guess even in the fantasy world, good hire-help is hard to fine. The king should have himself transported back to Earth, instead of the hero. There, he could use the royal treasury to find good bodyguards and supervening equipment. Anyway I can not think of anything else I want say about this movie except it was very, very dumb, and not enjoyable at that, too.
After a good night sleep, I have thought of some more stuff. For instant where is the army of the kingdom at this time. Laura should have her men scurrying the countryside for the two fugitives from justice. There is a lame scene in the movie where they are just wandering around in the dessert and ended up in a slaver camp. They are afraid that one of the slavers might recognize them, so they donned Arab nomad disguises. However, the director did not establish a scene where the palace guards are supposed to arrived soon afterwards and start issuing proclamations that Cabot and his little sidekick, Tarl, are on the lam. Therefore if one you would be kind enough to contact the local authorities in your area--the queen would give you a nice huge reward! So why would the two men be worry about being caught by the slavers.
Why have the two men go into the camp of the slavers in the first place. At least back in the day, old Mark Forest and Kirk Morris would had gone there to free the slaves all by themselves. Then later, trained them into an army they can use to overthrow the evil queen. Here, it was just a time-filling device to introduced another character who had no bearing on the outcome of the movie. How lame is that, folks?
By the way, in sword and sandals films, the evil wizard is supposed to all powerful. Then how come he is taken out with a simple knife stab in his side by Laura. Usually, the wizard can conjure up a demon or two to protected him from such petty attacks. Laura even kills the good wizard with a simple sword thrust because she is upset that he is defending Cabot after the hero has been framed by her for the murder of the king. What is the point of a being a magician if some spoil, little frat girl queen can take you out so easily.
At the end of the movie, there was no paid off with the hero having a deadly swords-duel with the villain. Her chief henchman decided for no apparent reason to killed his own queen. She has no bodyguards or even an army to protect her. it seems her subjects just stood around ands watch for any kind of outcome from the stupid shouting match she was having with the hero. Usually, hero and villain would duke it out for the right to sit on the throne. Meanwhile,. the chief hench is killed and all is right when hero and heroine walk off to a fading sunset as theme music goes up amidst the cheeering now-liberated peasants. Here, the movie ended as if it had ran out of idea about how to a good filn, period.
What is up with great white savior from an another world who comes save our kingdom bit? Cannot the people on this planet do it themselves. At least in the books that this movie is adopted from, the John Cabot character doses not want to have anything to do with changing the social order. He likes the fact that SLAVERY existed. It means that he was going to get lay a lot. Matter of fact, in the books, he was sort of slave breeder and breaker of slave woman’s wild spirit. The masters usually had him pleasure their female slaves so they can become submissive sex toys for their owners. The Gor adventure paperbacks novels were like Robert E. Howard’s Conan ones, except it not upset the white hero to see white woman enslaved and sexually mistreated. Matter of fact, if one see the covers of John Norman’s books, it has an underdressed woman in chains either being branded, auctions off, or bound by master. It was a good old fashion, He-Man world where big, muscle-bound, well-hung jerks battle each with swords to the death, while pushing half-naked girls around. In other words, the stories were very politically incorrect.
Lastly, if the king suspects his queen of wrong-doing in the first place, he being the king in all, could have her executed on the spot. Remember that Henry the Eight had two of his six wives beheaded based on trump up charges of adulterery. Remember, folks, as a king of a small, backward planet you can do anything you wants. By the way, upon the dead of the old king, power should have gone to the princess-heir and not to his wife. In mediaeval France, they made it a rule where only the king can rule and his wife is only the queen-regent.
Sign:
Barry Fletcher
e4107773@yahhoo.com
