“ALI BABA AND THE SACRED CROWN” (1963)
Hero Folks:
This film is about the traditional muscle-bound hero who comes to the aid of the oppressed people of Baghdad who are suffer under the evil rule of Mustafa Bey. It kind of sound familiar, doesn’t it? Anyway it showcased the usually test of strength of contests and a beautiful but overly-silly heroine who allow both the hero and the villain to treat her like a dog. Talk about your low esteem, here!
The movie begins with Ali Baba doing his usual romance hero bit by seducing a lonely and very-lovely shepherd's girl out somewhere in the desert. He hears then the sacred Gong of Sesame and quickly gets dressed. (He puts on his circus vest and goes out to investigate. (It was a lucky thing that the was ringing otherwise Ali would have been forced to talk about commitment and then marriage to a lowly peasant woman.) As he leaves, he calls the woman by her wrong name and promises her that he would be back for more of that goods, good loving that he doses so well with the ladies. The woman is understandable mad for confusing her with somebody else. (You see old Ali truly was a rolling stone and wherever he lay his circus vest was to him--home and a free meal and hot sex for the night.)
We cut to an irritating little sidekick which for me has often ruined the spirit of watching these particular movies. A midget clumsily rings the sacred gong so he can summon the hero onto his next great quest. The hero wakes up his little brother, Kersem, and it is off the see the wizard on the yellow brick desert road. And oh course, we get the lame comic bit as the midget can not get on his own horse without the help of the hero.
The trio arrives at the Sacred Mountain of Sesame. Ali Baba say the magic words, “Open Sesame!” and a hidden door opens. In the future a U.S. patriot missle would not be using those same words.
It seems that an old wise dude who live alone in a far-away mountain wants to see Ali about taking The Sacred Crown of The Desert Kings to Baghdad gives it and the jewels over to the evil ruler there. Dose kind of sound familiar, doesn’t it. The wise grand wizard of mountain believe that without it no king can truly rule over an free people. However, with Mustafa Bey he just wants to rule over an enslaved people. Ali Baba being the true national hero and lover of many, many beautiful women, agrees to undertake this dangerous mission. Beside city gals need good, good loving as much as desert nomad girls.
Upon, leaving the mountain, Ali Baba say, “Close, Sesame!” Again, a U.S. Patriot missile I guarantee you will not be using the same words, soon.
The three men stop at a village of an old chieftain friend, to talk with about the sacred crown and the rest of treasure. He meets the woman of his brother whose father is the tribal leader. Then we are introduced to another character who is a bandit chief turned heroic resistance fighter. He makes big Oscar clip speeches about not wanting to be a slave under Mustafa Bey’s rule. He rather died a freed man. Bah! Bah! Bah! We all know that he just wants to be free to plunder and sell slaves again, without having paid the royal palace a share of his ill-gotten booty. He say that Ali Baba ever needs his help just ring the Sacred Gong of The Mountain.
He and his two very-irritating sidekicks plans to dressed up as a family of desert nomads and sneak the crown and the accompanying jewels into the great ancient city. It means the hero has to dress up in drag. Ali probably figures since Tony Curtis and Jack Lemon got a couple of Oscar nominations for dressing up as women in the Billy Wilder’s immortal “Some like it Hot”(1959), he can too. Except Jack and Tony were brilliantly funny and he is not. Dear Ali looks more like a bad version of John Claude Van Diem with muscles and a beard in a stupid harem outfit.
While inside the Arab settlement, Ali starts thinking with what is between his legs instead of what is inside his thick, barbaric skull. Well, it never did brother either Conan or Hercules, folks. Except Thor, of course, when his mortal weakness was a mortal woman nurse named Jane Foster who was secretly in love with his alter ago, Dr. Don Blake. Naturally, he gets in more trouble with another hot, hot, lonely woman since he can not remember her name either. I guess he was practice by keeping his stinger sharp and ever-ready for the next sexual conquest, the big hunking oaf.
Well, it seems that one of the city guards could not believe a midget as six months old baby and Ali with very-big biceps and no breasts as a woman. Finally, a smart guard! It rare that you find one in these swords and sandals flicks. You can say this one knew the red light district of Baghdad.
We get our first fight scene as Ali Baba without a vest fights a couple of armed guards. It is the old typical lone unarmed man can take out a dozen or more fully-armed soldiers without breaking a sweat. The henchmen will come at Ali one at time. They will wait for Ali to caught his breath and prepare for the next charge. Oh course, no one would never think about tossing a spear into the hero’s unprotected massive chest. The captain-of-the-city police force will never summon the archers to arrived in time to shoot at the hero from a safe distance. Finally, the desert hero and his two irritating sidekicks are surrounded by drawled sword. Anyway, the City guards finds that the trio had come to delivered the sacred crown and the jewels to the ruling Caliph, and so they escorted our hero and his two irritating sidekicks into the villain’s palace.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Ali’s little brother and his gal find a nice, secluded place to get down tonight and make a little love! Get down! Get down! Get down, tonight baby!
Back to the main action. It seems that the evil Caliph wants to marry the beautiful desert princess of a tribe he had recently conquered. This idea upset her old man, the leader of said tribe to no end. He complaints that his daughter would not be his beloved ruler’s favorite. So we talking about the status of a main mistress or his main wife, here? The enraged father tells the chief villain, that he is “basely-born.” So--what dose that proves, since the hero is also from the low, low classes. At least in Lawrence of Arabia(1962), Anthony Quinn tells Peter O’Tool, “Lawrence thyee mother mated with a scorpion!” Which was a more telling insult By the way, that line was written by Robert Bolt who received the best screenplay adaptation Oscar for the movie. (It won seven including Best Picture that year.)
They arrived just in time for the floor show staring our overly-silly heroine. It is another very-lame dance number where a bunch of men in stupid trapeze outfits acts like they are doing a number in a Las Vagas Casino called Circus, Circus. They do this all-time silly trapeze act where eight men swings on ropes that are a couple of feet off the palace floor. They do semi-gymnastic stunts while hanging from the ropes. Each movement is done in stop and go motion that is very slow and totally un-exciting. In the meantime, the heroine is doing a very non-sensual belly dance. With eight guys swinging in front and behind her, the woman is lost in the act.
This despite the fact, she is wearing a push-up tank top with star emblem over her highly-erected nipples. It dose not help to have the actress, dressed in body stockings, also. Anyway, the male dancers come off looking vapidity, gayish and one is sure to suspect that the ruler is evil just because he likes to see grown men dancing badly. A note to the people who made this film, please, please, your core audience want to see belly dancers with very revealing navels and not a bunch of guys trying to put on a very-bad road show of the musical, ‘Kismet.’
The dance is mercifully over and the Mustafa Bey wants to see the crown and the jewels despite Ali Baba’s warning of what happen to those who tamper with the treasure of the gods. Look, the guy is evil and he has already made a deal with the dark forces. What dose he cares about something bad happening to him, just as long it happens to his oppressed subjects, instead.
Plus--Ali when he either looking dire or lustful has that lost in a tractor’s lights deer looks on his well-trimmed, bearded face. I guess actor Rod Flash Iloosh who was portraying Ali Baba was a bodybuilder turned very pathetic actor who can well indeed flex his muscles with the best of them--but cannot act his way of a paper bag, folks.
There are of countless scenes of him staring off into the sky when something significant is being said or done. And he has a total blank look on his face, like he could not quite understand the emotions he was being asked to show in the film. I think he made about three or four more films, including this one before he disappears totally and well-deservedly from the silver screen. But I guess women go for the big-muscled guy with the long hair and the huge man-root, and no intellect. However, after it all said and done, women still want a conversation such manly stud in morning otherwise he ain’t gonna get anymore from her.
Meanwhile, Mustafa Bey has Ali and the duo of irritating sidekicks taken prisoners. He doses this by having a fish next drop outer hero who fails to notice the still open trap door in the floor. The hero while in the net trap seems to be bowing up and down while his knees as he tries to break free of the rope net. The actor, Rod, needed better direction in this scene to make his so-called escape attempt more believable. Besides, here is a fantasy hero who could pick up guards and toss them around, and bend iron jail bars if he has to, but can not tear away rope with his bare hands! Hey, Conan or even Hercules would have no problems escaping from the net trap.
He ordered them to be taken to the royal dungeon and later to be executed as entertainment for the him and the bored nobles of his court. It means seeing the manly hero gets again to take off his vest and flex muscles as he undergoes certain tests to taxed his fantastic strength.
The first Test of Fantastic strength contest was that of the duo of irritating sidekicks having their necks stretch by ropes. Ali Baba is placed in a giant log vice. He is spread-eagle between two set of Linclon-typed logs. The upper log has a row of huge sharp elephant tusks pointing downward toward the hero. The bottom log is moveable and can sent upward. Six slaves are used and whipped repeatedly to turn a huge wheel with rope attracted to it. The more the helpless slaves are being whipped to turn the wheel, the more the rope tightened about the hero lame sidekicks’ necks. At the same time, the hero has to kept the lower part of the log from pushing him up into the sharp tusks that are still above him. After fifty-five lashing of the poor slaves, the chief villain calls off the contest and tells the hero that he will not survived the next contest.
Note to Mustafa Bey, next time used more than six slaves to turn the wheel. And get some slave who look they are refugeees from Gold Gym in Venice, Califoria. A dozen Mr. Olympia contenters stand a better chance of crushing the hero into the sharp tusks than six skinny guys.
The heroine visited the bound hero in the evil ruler’s dungeons. She believes that a deceitful woman’s wiles will do more in getting a man to any person will than brute strength will ever do. Besides if tribal princess dose this--then she hopes that the chief villain would spare her people any more grief. However, Ali being the true-blue action hero that he is cannot brings himself to trust the daughter of a man who is having him torture to death.
Finally, folk--the second Test of Fantastic Stenght Contest. Which is basically, Ali and his irritating sidekicks are being dragged across a huge roaring fire. The great desert hero and loverboy-Supreme is being forced across the foot-tall blazing inferno by two pack horses. Hey, old ‘Steve Reeves’ in “Goliath and The Barbarians”(1960), had to fight from being pull apart by two teams of four to six champion Clydesdales. Each team of horses were tied separately to each of his mighty-thewed wrists. This guy gets nearly done in by a pair of measly pack animals! Give me a break please!!!
By the way-Ali, it helps to have a pair of good, old fashion leather sandals to gripped the floor, instead of ladies’ cowgirl boots. This fantasy guy is wearing skin-tight trapeze artist pants and woman's footwear. What kind of manly hero is that, folks? The boots with the slick, smooth surface is somehow going to allow him get a firm hold on the floor as he was being dragged to his near-death. Give me a break, please!!!
During this time, her father and her tribe are attacked by Mustafa Bey’s troops. Boy, she sure picks a fine time to do the nasty. I bet her old man would appreciate that if he had not been killed during the battle. The daughter comes down and starts spooling some nonsense about she wish she would have been with him at the time. Next time, think with your head and not with your sexual organ, woman!
Anyway, Ali and his two sidekicks escape with the aid of the heroine and three male accompanists. It turns out that the beautiful belly dancer is a princess of a desert tribe that has aligned itself with Mustafa Bey.
She likes what she sees that even in chains and in dim light of the cellroom, the big muscular dude, has the grace of a leopard and the strength of tiger; and the aura of one hundred percent real man’s man. She turns on by his bare, oily, massive chest, his taunting, good looks, the huge mountainous peaks of his toweling biceps, his mole-tunnel, six pac abs, the well-sculpture, massive thighs that his pants could not contain.
But most of all, by the awesome bugle of his taunting manhood vaguely outlines in the crotch-area of his wetly-stained loin-cloth. The smell that was coming between his legs she could tell that she has arising such fierce, animalistic passion in him. Because, her huge breasts that are heaving rapidly have also raising such in her. Her taunt nipples were straining against the double-D size cups of her dress as she gazes so wantonly at him. Boys! Get the fire hoes ready--because the two leads and this reviewer--are going in maximum overdrive!
However, our true-blue hero is being an old stick-in-the-mud because he refuses to give into his lustful carvings for the wench. He will not make deals with wanton sluts whose father is Mustafa Bey’s right hand man. Therefore he kept the fire in loins in check. Now that he is all tied up and about to be executed in the morning--he starts thinking with the brains in his thick, barbaric skull. Hey, at least Bond would had sex with the villainess and then tell her in the morning what he did to her he did for England and nobody else.
So heroine who has fallen hopelessly in love with big, strong desert hunk, decide to release him and his friends, anyway. She and her three desert partners take Ali Baba and his two irritating sidekicks to a secret passageway. There, she used a secret incantation to open the Sacred Door of The Unknown Tomb. However, although he and his two annoying sidekicks are now free, he still dose not trusts the tribal princess. So he and his friends knock out her helpers and leave them to the uncaring, mercy of the palace guards. I guess she did not know any magic spell to help in this situation. Meanwhile, he tied the woman up and kidnaps her. The four of them goes to his brother and gets the support of his woman’s tribe in the war against the evil empire--sound familiar dose it folks!
Sending the night with the tribe, the hero has his foul way with the heroine who say no at first. However, she is completely engulfed in his big, manly and he has forced his brutal, sweet, sweet loving lips against her soft, tender, flesh. She wakes up a new woman in the morning--one that was totally-despoiled and foully used-but she likes it. Gee, folks--isn’t that call date-rape by any other name!
Especially, when he putting back on his vest, he tells her to forget about the rape-love they share last night and above all, do not tell her old man what he did to her! The heroine with his foul handprints all over her disheveled dress tells how much she loves and can not life without him. Now-a-days, most women would be on talk shows saying girlfriend-you are sick puppy desperately in need of help for your mental state. If I were her brother I would have hunted old Ali down with old butcher knife. Believe folks, it was a sick love scene.
Meanwhile, back at soon-to-at-war-with-Baghdad, the evil ruler is torturing many captives who yelled words, “Freedom!” and “Death to Mustafa Bey!” A lot while being slowly put to death. Shades of Braveheart(1995)! We get a couple of scenes where prisoners ARE being harshly question on the where-abouts of Ali Baba and the beautiful tribal princess.
They are being torture by having chains wraps about their throats as two city guards pulled on each end. Except, the scene comes off badly. They are placing the chains about the upper part of their chests; and not wrapping them around the prisoners’ neck. So the brave men who died on the screen makes their agonizing deaths looks very phony. Remember folks! When choking a person to death, it involves cutting the air completely off in the wind pipe in the throat that is not located in his chest area.
In the meantime, back at the camp of Ali Baba’s allies, he decided to console the great spirit of Sinbag. No-no-not the black comedian but the Arab hero who had a lame T.V. series based on him about helping him against Mustafa Bey. The great spirit give some mythical answers and send him back to his friends. The result was he and the freedom force dressed up in Halloween costumes with skull masks and go around terrorizing the evil ruler’s men. Luckily, the Untied States was not around at the time, we were spare the terrorist acts of Halloween costume commandos.
Anyway, some more people were torture for information about great rebel force. Notes to would-be dictators, it help to have an very-effective secret police force. It did wonders for the Czars and later, the communists. Tried offering reward money and make it a huge amount. The oppressing government needs to make it worthwhile for a starving peasant’s effort to his fellow citizen in to the authorities.
Next, take a couple of pages out of the Nazi handbook on how to control a conquered country. First, you round people up and then randomly execute some of them and the rest you sent off to forced labor camps. Second, you razed a city or a helmet to the ground and do not leave a single stone left standing. Third and last, you get you men trained in the fine art of torture at Fort Banner in Georgia.
Ali Baba gets himself wounded on a raid. The big lug sort of walk around with a big gap on his chest and hopes somebody will notice it. Apparently, these guerrilla camps do not come equipped with people who know how to treat sword wounds or even knife cuts. His men and the two irritating sidekicks worry about whether poor Ali is going to make it through the night.
However, it turns out that woman he had his foul way with and who still is his captive, despite her confused love for him, is a trained nurse. Yea, folks! What every desert tribal princess need to know when she has to heal the man who has physically brutalized her. Ain’t twisted love great!!!
Before she goes into his tent to help, she is confronted by the lover of Ali’s little brother, Kersem. They get into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of rebelling against a legitimated government in power. Yes, while the hero is dying, and tons of sweat began to pore down his well-oiled, massive chest, lets take time out and talk about the social dynamic of class warfare for a while until he is dead.
Fortunately, the beautiful tribal princess comes to her senses and rushes to save the great desert hero and loverboy-Supreme. However, as she hold a knife over his wounded, manly, heaving chest, she listen to voices in her pretty little head and debates for a moment about letting the hero died. At this time, dear Ali probably wishes he had a Blue Cross of Baghdad card on him. Luckily, she dose not give in to the voices. She bends over the hero and the camera goes in for a close-up of her huge double D size clothed breasts. We can see her nipples harden as she lean closely to exhaled the manliness of the hero’s brute scent. Soon she applied a hot knife to his wound and used searing heat to closed them. Outside, Ali’s men hear the sound of agony and wink a lot at the camera.
Next morning, the midget has found some use in the film by putting scent leaves of medicinal herbs on the hero’s huge, naked chest. Then woman whom he has accused of trying to betray him and the cause, is there to nurse him fully back to health. However, the stubborn hero realized that he was wrong about her love for him. It all a one big misunderstanding. Therefore she forgives him and they fall madly in love again as that whole date-rape thing is forgotten. Again, if I was her brother I would have her poor princess butt hurl off to the nearest Christian convent and locked dear sis away for life. Afterwards, me and my friends would have dear old Ali neuter so he dose not try that same trick again with the another foolish romance heroine.
A couple of days later, the beautiful tribal princess and the bother’s girlfriend are out strolling way beyond the campsite of the rebels so they can get themselves conveniently capture by the evil Caliph’s troop. Afterall in the swords and sandals genre that what women are good at getting capture so the evil ruler can lure the hero to his supposed doom.
To made a long, but never-the-less exciting story short, the two women and desert tribal chieftain who is the princess’ father are going to be put to horrible deaths by the main villain, unless Ali return the stolen crown and the jewels back to him. Welcome to the typical fiendish death trap that are so famous at making the genre what it is. The three prisoners are place on a high platform in front of a cheering, non-caring crowd. Then a huge wooden pendulum with log spikes swung back and forth behind them. It dose this until supposedly the spikes are level enough to the back heads of the prisoners and forces them off the platform into roaring flaming pit, below them. Naturally the spiked logs would swing just long enough for the hero to come and rescued the prisoners before they are killed.
Naturally, the hero return the loot: and naturally, the villain dose not turn the women and the tribal chieftain loose like he was supposed to do. Get real, folks!! Whenever did a villain keep his word about letting the hostages go free. Ali should have a “We do not negotiating for hostages policy.” It works extremely-well for France, Great Britain, Israel, and the Soviet Union. The result, the peasantry finally rise up and revolt successfully against their crude ruler and the evil guards.
During this time, one of Ali Baba’s sidekick friends, doses something heroic for a change. He is a Tor Johnson look-alike. Anyway, he rides on horseback to the mountain that another Sacred Gong is located and rings it. For some unexplained reason he is hurt and so he took a little time, while unlaughingly falling down as he goes up the mountain. However, he doses his Sacred Job and the ringing summons the great bandit leader turned freedom fighter to come to the aid of Ali and the people of Baghdad. Meaning, George Bush, Jr. has to wait another time to save the oppressed people of that region.
Yes, for the untold time, poorly-armed under class can kick the butts of well-armed and well-trained troops! Ali Baba and Mustafa Bey battling it out in which the evil ruler is killed. His dummy corpse is thrown by the hero into the great fire pit. The hero is now free to save the three prisoners since the evil ruler did not have enough sense to killed them immediately when the local citizenry started revolting. The chief henchman is also captain-of-the-City-guards; and the one killed the father of the woman who loves the younger brother of Ali Baba, is done in by Kersem.
Afterwards, the people search out the dead for their loved ones while rebel leaders whoop it up celebrating their great victory. However, the great European colonial powers and before them the Persians, will come one day and there will be no Ali Baba or even a bastard son of Hercules, to save the people from them Then another evil dictator would come in the future to rule over Baghdad and wait--that story is still being play out. Film at eleven, folks!
Then back at the palace a new Caliph is crowned, the princess’ father. He asks his daughter which life dose she wants. Is it a spoil rich girl alone in the palace. She preferred to be the faithful, long-suffering, peasant wife of a guy who eats with his fingers, treat his pack animals better than his dose his women, and above all, be removing his vest at sight of any cute thing in skirt. Naturally, the romance heroine chooses the big, handsome, muscle-bound, well hung hero. It is the dream of many women to be abuse and later discard by big lugs who think with what is between their legs. Oh give me a break--please!!! THE END.
Sign:
Barry Fletcher
e4107773@yahoo.comTo all my friends in 'The Big Red One'
