What's everyone's favorite/most hilarious butchering of a movie on TV?

[Dolph Lundgren]

Don't know if this has been done before; if so, then my apologies.

But c'mon, how many times have we sat down to watch TV, only to flip through and land on some movie that we NEVER thought we'd see on regular TV?  Whether it's because of violence, language, or nudity?  And, on top of that, it's playing at 1 in the afternoon?  I've got a few off the top of my head, the ones I can remember the most.  But I'd love to hear some more.  For some reason, they simply crack me up.  Here are my favorites, add some more of your own!

Mallrats:  Simply awesome.  I've heard that Kevin Smith actually acknowledges this edit, and tells everyone to watch it because he thinks it's hilarious.  Anyways, if I remember correctly, they played this once on FX during the afternoon.  I was dumbfounded.  I believe they cut out the beginning monologue of Banky explaining how his cousin Walt got the cat stuck in his ass, and, instead, looped music plays over shots of the mall.  And, if I remember correctly, Jay's line about a "phat chronic blunt" is changed to "a fast karate punch" or something like that.  I can't remember some of the other lines, but I do remember them being hilarious.  Someone else had to have seen this and remember some of the dubbed lines.  

Die Hard:  Hell yeah.  Instead of "Yippy ki-yay, motherfu**er!", it's changed to "Yippy ki-yay, mister fricker!"  LOL.  Classic.

Casino:  Again, I can't remember much of this edit, only the fact that Joe Pesci calls Deniro (I think) "you blue money lover you!" instead of "you jew motherfu**er you!" (or something to that effect).  You just have to see it and hear some guy doing his best Pesci impression to appreciate it.

Major League:  My favorite of all time.  At the end, when Dorn approaches Vaughn and everyone thought Dorn was gonna kick his ass ('cuz Vaughn slept with his wife), Dorn says "strike this motherfu**er out!".  In the TV edit, they replace "motherfu**er" with "guy".  Now that might not sound too funny, but the person who dubbed Vaughn's voice sounded like a drunken child molester.  Totally different pitch, voice, and everything.  It was amazing, I was in tears from laughter.

Lethal Weapon:  "I'm gonna tear you a new airhead!"  Sort of speaks for itself, huh?

Anyways, those are the only ones I can think of right now.  Feel free to add more of your favorites, 'cuz I know I'm forgetting a ton.

Nick

[Ash]

I also was thinking of Mallrats.

Half of Jay's lines are dubbed in some other guy's voice!

It was so ridiculous that I couldn't even finish it.

I changed the channel.

[kriegerg69]

Very weird, Dolph, because something very much like this with several of the same dialogue references you brought up has been posted over on the Mobius forum.

Anyway.... there's too many to think of, but dialogue is only the tip of the censoring iceberg on television.

A fave of mine is "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas". The censored television print not only censors some dialogue (because of language/mild cussing), but also removes all of the nudity. Strangest bit of nudity removal is during the "Courtyard Shag" dance number, which...in the tv print....has been changed to almost entirely alternate takes. This is mainly because the girls are practically half-naked in the number, with their behinds very visible. The alternate takes either show things from a different angle, or give the impression the girls are wearing different outfits altogether to cover their bodies up.

"Whorehouse" really loses a lot by being censored in the alternate print.

[The Burgomaster]

* ANIMAL HOUSE - Otter says, "We've gotta take those buzzards," instead of, "We've gotta  take those bastards."

* THE LONGEST YARD - The announcer and several players say, "I think he broke his freakin' neck," instead of " . . . f@#cking neck."

* THE EXORCIST - Linda Blair says, "Your mother still rots in hell," instead of, "Your mother sucks c*#ks in hell."

Wow . . . this is tough. It has been so long since I watched an edited movie on commercial television that I can't think of many butcher jobs.

[raj]

The only reason to sit through this Golden Raspberry award winner is the nudity.  Needless to say, USA network did not show the nudity.  I sat through about 5 minutes of the edited version, about ten minutes less than the full version.

[Dunners]

HA, die hard three: samuel L. Jackson calls Bruce willis mother f**ke rmany times. on FX its "melon farmer"

police acadamy: instead of calling mahoney p**sant its 'peon" in a much deeper voice.

mister frikker, HA! Hilarious.

[The Amazing Fat Man]

Any movie on TBS, but these are some good examples:

Ghostbusters: It's true. This man (dubbed voice that sounds suprisingly like Billy Crystal) is some sort of rodent. I'm not sure which one. (The "good" version is one of my fav movie lines ever.)

Nothing To Lose:(Not a great movie, but still) Martin Lawrence: I'm gonna die! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Ferris Day Off- You could put a piece of coal into his (dubbed, VERY poorly) fist, and it would be a diamond in two hours.

Blazing Saddels: DON'T ASK!

[ErikJ]

It wasn't dialog but, on WGN one day was Flash Gordon. I wanted my son to sit and watch it with me and enjoy the badness of this real piece of cheez. They cut the movie up so bad and rearanged scenes to where the movie made no sense at all, not that it ever did in the first place. About half way thought I was ready to smash the tv so I would never have to endure that again. To date I still have as of yet to turn WGN back on.

[yaddo42]

That hack and slash version of "Flash Gordon" makes the rounds on syndicated TV and cable all the time. It was probably the syndicator or the distributor that hacked it up to fit in a standard 2hrs with commercials time slot. I'm not sure if SciFi shows this version or not. They should show the full version, it's so hilariously bad in its full glory. A long time guilty pleasure flick of mine.

I love how basic cable edits around the message on the sandwich board Bruce Willis is forced to wear early in "Die Hard 3". I guess replacing the message digitally would be too expensive.

My favorite butchering is the dialogue in "Repo Man". The use of "flip you" seems so stupid coming from these characters. But the use of "melon farmer" actually makes sense to me in this movie. With such a large Latino population in LA, and so many immigrants trying to eek out a living as migrant workers, I can let my imagination run a bit and see how "melon farmer" might be a legitimate insult there.

The butchered version of "The Usual Suspects" making the rounds of basic cable now irritates me because of the importance of the language to the story. The jailhouse scenes when the group first meet loses so much. Half of Finster's lines are altered or cut.

The use of the voice actor for Fred Flintstone to overdub Jackie Gleason in "Smokey And The Bandit" is so wrong on so many levels. The Great One swears so much in that movie, that changing his voice is distracting, also his lines and delivery in that movie almost qualify as poetry or art to me.

[JohnL]

Tremors - "Broke into the wrong goddamn recroom, didn't you, you sumb***h!" is changed to "Broke into the wrong gol-durned recroom didn't you, you big jerk". "Motherhumpers" is changed to "damn monsters".

One of the worst edit jobs recently has to be the TV edit of Demolition Man. There are entire scenes missing for no apparent reason, like the scenes of them going down into the underground, Stallone trading the watch for a rat-burger etc.

[NEC]

What's so funny is is that I haven't see the theatrical cut of Flash Gordon in over 20 years! I know that I need to get the DVD. Anytime the altered-cut version comes on I have to watch it because it's so whacked.

[Dolph Lundgren]

Wow, I honestly had no idea that this was posted simultaneously in another forum.  What's the URL for the Mobius forum, krieger?  It'd be cool to check out.  Like I said, I can't get enough of bad TV edits.  Everyone's examples have had me cracking up.  I just took the most memorable ones that came off the top of my head, but I definitely forgot a few (the Ferris Bueller one has me dying over here..)

Nick

[AndyC]

Man, all the best examples I could think of have been used.

Still, the horrible job done on Demolition Man bears repeating. I watched it on TBS once, and just couldn't finish it. Whoever was responsible for that editing job should be forced to endlessly watch his own handiwork.

For a start, the running gag about the verbal morality statutes doesn't work if Stallone never swears, but it gets much worse than that. A whole chunk of the movie made no sense because every reference to Taco Bell was taken out, presumably because of some stupid corporate thing (can't have a competitor's restaurant referenced in their movie). Even stranger, most of the violence was edited out! This meant we would see Phoenix trying to get into a display case, someone would offer to help, then the glass would be broken. There were quite a few setups that were missing their gags - the stunner, the three seashells, and on and on. The whole thing was a complete mess. Completely unwatchable.

[AndyC]

Actually, the funniest examples of editing are found in anime shows that are cleaned up for North American kids.

Dragonball Z is a great example. Characters are killed left and right, whole worlds are blown up, and everyone was "sent to another dimension." The "other dimension" line is especially funny with characters who are literally blown to bits before our eyes. If we don't actually see any people die, then there were no people. A section of city Nappa blew up was, we are told, completely deserted. Yeah, that's the ticket.

In the "other dimension," characters are, strangely enough, wearing halos. The funniest, hands down, has to be when Goku goes to Hell. The two demons are wearing t-shirts that say HELL. These are digitally changed to HFIL, and we're told Goku is in the "home for infinite losers."

Star Blazers had some interesting BS too. Any enemy soldiers shot onscreen are robots. This is true even if they look like a living person in a spacesuit. We know this because a character always makes a point of saying something like "take that, you robots." And if Wildstar throws a grenade down the hatch of a tank, that's also a robot, even if it looks like all the other tanks that have live crews.

[C Reynolds]

I was recently watched an airplane edit of "Basic", and at one point, Samuel L. Jackson's character, supposedly one of the toughest instructors in the marines, yells at a bunch of new recruits: "I don't give a rat's tail which general's thumb you had to suck to get posted here."