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May 24, 2019, 06:30:46 PM
621639 Posts in 48091 Topics by 6496 Members
Latest Member: SommerLync Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  OT - Good fences make good neighbors « previous next »
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Author Topic: OT - Good fences make good neighbors  (Read 6737 times)
« on: January 13, 2004, 05:57:59 AM »

This is something that's been bugging me for several days and I wanted to get your guy's take on it and some suggestions on dealing with it.  My family and I moved into our neighborhood in March and generally find the neighbors to be a little stand-offish (I'd say snooty if I wanted to be judgemental).  This is perfectly alright with me as I have all the friends I need.

On Saturday we were invited to a "Neighborhood Association" meeting down the street.  My wife drags me and the kids to this thing.  This one guy is the big organizer and he runs the meeting - I can tell just looking at him that he's the kind of jerk who minds everyone else's business.

He announces that he and some of the other neighbors have researched a plan to increase all property values in the neighborhood through a beautification project.  According to his "research" what my yard needs is about $5,000 worth of decorative trees and my kids to stop leaving their toys and bicycles in the front and side yard.  Additionally, he pointed out that my neighborood's squirrel problem (that's right, a squirrel problem!!) has been traced to several yards, one of which is mine.  He tells us that eliminating the squirrel problem could prevent future damage to EVERYONE's property (i.e. he wants me to get an exterminator).  He offered these "suggestions" like he was assigning me to bring stuff to a Christmas party.  He also noted that "if you HAVE TO have Christmas lights on your home, white lights are less disruptive to the look of the neighborhood than colored lights."  (We had colored lights).

So in summation, this guy and the "Association" wants me to
1)  Spend $5,000 of MY money to raise EVERYONE'S property value some indeterminate amount.
2)  Tell my children to stop playing in 75% of our yard.
3)  Have a family of totally harmless animals killed.
4)  Temper my celebration of the birth of Jesus.

So what I am looking for from you guys are some good ways to tell this guy to go take a flying f**k at the moon.  Keep in mind that this isn't a condo association and this guy is totally powerless to make me do anything.  A few things I thought of:

"Instead of blowing money on an exterminator, I'm just gonna go pick up a shotgun and a chainsaw and take care of them squirrels by myself."

"I figured I could save a few grand by getting a couple dozen pink flamingoes instead of those cherry blossom trees you suggested."

"Jeez, we just spent a fortune on glowing plastic santas at Walmart's post-Christmas sale...  But we'll only use 'em until the colors start to fade."

I'm going to send him an e-mail this week per his request to "keep him posted on my progress."
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2004, 06:06:55 AM »

Man what a selfish dick! (him...not you!)

I agree that you should just tell him to f**k off and that you'll do as you please but we all know that rudeness to him will only ostracize you further from this so-called "community".

I myself have always been better with the written word over the verbal.
I would write him a long letter listing each request he made of you and then in even greater detail, list the reasons why you will decline.
Write in good style so it makes you feel smarter and better than him and make sure he gets that idea when he reads it.

I'm glad I've got cool neighbors who are totally regular down to earth NORMAL people like you seem to be.
We all would scoff at the very notion of even attending such a "members only club" like this guy arranged.

I am much more polite than they would be of course.
They would simply show up and tell him that he's full of s**t!

Post Edited (01-13-04 05:08)
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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2004, 06:32:13 AM »

On a side note after reading your post, I feel you must check out a book I never did get to finish called "The Association" by Bentley Little.
After I racked up nearly $10.00 in library late fees, I returned it only having read about 100 pages or so.

It so much fits what you're dealing with!  Well maybe you won't have to go through the hell that the couple in this book does but it is amusing nonetheless!
Here's a link to what the cover looks like:

Here's the synopsis:  

"With this haunting tale, Little proves that he hasn't lost his terrifying touch. Barry and Maureen Welch are thrilled to exchange their chaotic California lifestyle for the idyllic confines of Bonita Vista, a ritzy gated community in the unincorporated fictional town of Corban, Utah. But as Bonita Vista residents, they're required to become members of the neighborhood's Homeowners' Association, a meddling group that uses its authority to spy on neighbors, eradicate pets and dismember anyone who fails to pay association dues and fines. Maureen, an accountant, and Barry, a horror writer who is banned by the association from writing at home, soon find themselves trapped in the kind of deranged world that Barry once believed existed only within the safety of his imagination. The novel's graphic and fantastic finale demonstrates the shortsightedness of the Association and will stick with readers for a long time. Little's deftly drawn characters inhabit a suspicious world laced with just enough sex, violence and Big Brother rhetoric to make this an incredibly credible tale."

Dude, you so need to read this book or even better, buy a copy for that a***ole that asked you to do all that ridiculous stuff!
That'll fix his wagon!
Hehe!'ll inspire him to do those things that the Association does in that book.
Maybe that isn't such a good idea!

Post Edited (01-13-04 05:42)
Bad Movie Lover

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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2004, 10:41:46 AM »

this guy sounds like a grade A prick. most people of his species are like that because they have a lot to hide themselves. my recommendation: do an online background investigation, dig up as much dirst as possible, then have a friend of yours dress up like a detective, meet him while he's walking out of work, then hand all the degrading history to him in a ziplock bag and say "nice history." that should send him running to his momma crying!
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Hey, I'm in the situation room ! ! !

« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2004, 12:31:09 PM »

If your not selling your property then do the opposite of what he is hoping for. You can always change things back to normal later. The most important thing Eirik is that YOU are entertained ! This is a great opportunity.

1) Keep them Christmas light up all year and get those old fashion big bulbs.

2) Start iniviting all the neighborhood kids to play in your yard and remind them to bring all of their toys.

3) Don't rake the yard or do any lawn care. (best example is Dryfuss in Close Encounters)

4) Set up barbeque and a volleyball net in the FRONT yard.

5) Park in the street.

6) At birthdays have pony rides (if possible Elephant rides)

7) Get the kids out of the house and have them build those great tree forts made out of scrap wood.

8) Get a couple large dogs.

9) Instead of using trash cans on the curb just put clear plastic bags on the curb to help feed them squirels

10) Start a part time venture for extra income by becoming a door to door salesman in your neighborhood.


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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2004, 01:59:39 PM »

Yep, I've got plenty of experience with this type of person. Every community organization has at least one. They walk all over everybody because everyone else is too polite to tell them to f**k off. They don't want to make trouble, so they allow it to go on. The other excuse might be that this guy is going out of his way to do something that benefits everyone, and you wouldn't want to offend him.

This is bulls**t. Most of the time, these guys will try to dominate anyone else who wants to contribute more than cash or volunteer labour, and ultimately undermine the organization. There is nothing to lose and lots to gain by putting them in their place. And it's so easy, since most of these guys can dish out the BS, but they can't handle it being thrown back at them.

My experience has been that if you publicly challenge, or even humiliate, someone like this, he will either back right down or throw such a fit that everyone will see what an a***ole he is (if they don't already know). He deliberately put you on the spot at this meeting, and you should do the same to him at the next opportunity. Most people who spout nonsense about property values don't have a clue what they're talking about, so ask him for specifics. Question everything you can about his plan, point out everything that simply isn't going to work, and ask him where the hell he gets off telling you what to do with your own property, especially when he brings it up at a public meeting without talking to you first. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he should mind his own goddamn business. I guarantee he will tread lightly around you from then on.

You will likely make an enemy of this guy, but he's obviously not that friendly toward you anyway. You will also likely be surprised at how many of your neighbours will admire you for it. Most of them are in the same boat you are. You'll make more friends than you will lose.

Post Edited (01-13-04 15:22)

"Join me in the abyss of savings."
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2004, 02:42:36 PM »

Rusted car on blocks on the front lawn.
Paint American flags and yellow ribbons on it.
"What'sa matter buddy, you don't like patriotic art?  You against our troops?  What are you, a commie or a terrorits?"

Actually, thank him for his helpful advice, but you would rather have your children play outside, learn about nature (the squirrels) and celebrate your religion.   The enjoyment of life is more important than a few thousand extra dollars.
Brother Ragnarok
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2004, 02:45:28 PM »

While in most towns it's very much illegal not to take care of your lawn and to let your house go unpainted, along with various other minor beautification techniques (hey, you gotta have some pride in where you live, and you don't want to get fined by the city either), I recommend finding out what squirrels would think of as catnip, or perhaps some pheremones, and blanketing the guy's yard with it at night.  Once squirrels start trying to make love to his car and his siding, he'll probably leave you alone for a while.

Brother R


There are only two important things in life - monsters and hot chicks.
    - Rob Zombie
Rape is just cause for murdering.
    - Strapping Young Lad
Bad Movie Lover

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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2004, 03:29:43 PM »

I f**king hate neighbors like that.That dude is a f**king snotty prick, and I say you don't have to do s**t to apease some dumbass comformist. If he really wants a beutifiction project on the neighborhood then he should be paying the money for it, not you.
And the squirrel problem is complete bulls**t.So whats next banning pets.
The guy is obviously a secularist.After the christmas lights it will be manger scenes and stars and christmas trees.
Maybe you should paint your house yellow with blue poka dots to just p**s him off.


Smells like popcorn and shame
The Burgomaster
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2004, 05:09:08 PM »

I would say: "I just moved into the neighborhood in March and I don't plan to sell my house any time soon, so the value of my property today is irrelevent.  However, if I ever decide to sell my house, I will consider making your suggested improvements to increase my property value.  In the meantime, you are more than welcome to pay for an exterminator, buy me a new set of Christmas lights, and decorate my house around December 1."

I would finish it off with, "And if you find this plan unacceptable, you can take a flying f**k to the moon, you dirty arrogant rat bastard.  If my kids weren't watching, I'd rip your balls off, cram them down your rotten throat, and p**s on you while you suffocate."

That's what I would do,


"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone."
The Burgomaster
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2004, 05:11:55 PM »


If they ever make a movie about this, I think that Fred Willard would be perfect in the role of your neighbor.


"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone."
Velvet Brotha
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2004, 06:34:35 PM »

No offense man, but I would personally tell him to go f#@# his mother, then I'd proceed to beat the living crap outta him with a sock full of door knobs. People like that bring out the Pesci in me. ; )
Velvet Brotha
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2004, 07:00:23 PM »

> Actually, thank him for his helpful advice, but you would rather have your children play outside, learn about nature (the squirrels) and celebrate your religion. The enjoyment of life is more important than a few thousand extra dollars.

This is sooo true. I thank God everyday that my little one made it through her ordeal. I really could use the few extra Thousand though. ; )
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2004, 07:18:42 PM »

this would probably fall under the "vandalism" category (but thats for your lawyers and the DA to decide) but you could write "child molestor" or something similar on his lawn with roundup.  Not my original idea though so i take no credit for this.
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2004, 08:23:40 PM »

Thanks for the suggestions!  I like all of them for their various degrees of subtlety or lack thereof.  Let me say that of course I take care of my yard in a responsible manner.  Ordnances about mowing your lawn are as much about preventing a safe haven for vermin (rats and snakes) as they are about aesthetics.  I will also say that our last place was a townhouse in a condo association where the neighbors had a lot more control over what I did with my property...  but they were all cool about it.  I bent several of the exterior rules and nobody ever said boo about it.

My wife was as aghast at this guy as me and told me to handle it because "you're better at this kind of thing."  I decided to begin with a gently sarcastic approach to this jerk and see how he reacts.  I didn't want to e-mail an angry tirade only for him to forward it around and show everybody how unreasonable I am.  Here's the e-mail I sent him:

My wife and I have discussed your this spring's beautification project at length and have come to some decisions on your suggestions to us.
First, we agreed that if our satellite dish can be relocated behind the house without a loss in reception, we would be happy to do so.  I'll investigate possible new locations for the dish and get back to you with my findings.
Second, we have contacted numerous friends and relatives searching for a single anecdote about a squirrel causing damage to a house or other property.  Our research hasn't turned up anything, which calls this alleged threat into question.  Given the lack of evidence, I feel it is premature to condemn the squirrels in my yard to death.  I must also add that any attempt by any neighbor to handle the squirrel problem for us will be met with strong resistance from my son who received a beebee gun for Christmas.
Third, we agreed that cherry blosom trees in our front yard would be a lovely touch.  Unfortunately, we are not budgeted for such a project.  Since you point out that the trees would increase the value of everyone's house, we give our consent to the addition of the trees should someone else assume the cost.
Fourth, we have talked to our children about your suggestion that they leave their toys and bikes in the back yard or garage.  They have shown an strong resistance to this suggestion and I'm afraid they can be very stubborn about this kind of thing.  They have also vetoed your white Christmas tree light suggestion.  I am afraid that children just do not understand the nuances of maintaining high property values.
Have a nice day and please thank your wife again for her hospitality on Saturday.
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