A message to the Japanese monsters

[wickednick]

This message goes out to the Japanese monsters who have shown a blatant disragard for the U.S. and its people.For years we here in America have watched you stomp down the streets of Japan destroying all in your path and I will not be the first to say that I am jealous of your attention to the Japanese and find your "attack Japan only" policey an insult to my country.Why is it that you have chosen to ignore are fair country? We have plenty of tall buildings bordering majour sources of water, and did you know that the average American is overweight and far meatier than the people in Japan.We also have many nucular power plants, from which the energy hungry monsters like Godzilla, could easly feed from.
So far are country has had to do with only the mutant insect variety of monsters.Do you realise how many times we have had to fend off radioavtive spiders? More times than I can count, and frankly the insect variety of monsters has become very boring, and easly can be stoped by any village idiot or teenage couple.For christ sakes are last invasion was radioactive spiders which were stoped by a bunch of backwater rednecks and David Arquette.
We need something new, something that can give us a serious ass whopping, and then be eventually driven back by an outlandish idea by a young scientist trying to prove himself.That is why America needs you.So I ask Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan please come, and destroy are citys and eat are citizens.You should have more than enough reason to come after us Godzilla because of that terrable imposter that came stomping through New York.
I sincerlly hope you take this message to hart and come here.
Sincerlly yours, Wycked Nick.

[Eirik]

Dear Wyked Nick,
This reply is on behalf of all of Japan's gigantic monsters.  While your nuclear power plants, meatier people, and oh-so-tempting trailer parks are certainly an attraction, we must politely decline.  Our friend Godzilla visited your country several years back and found all of his personality and kitschy charm drained in favor of a slick yet lifeless CGI makeover.  In this weakened state, he was rendered far too vulnerable to a pretty sorry ensemble of French special forces guys, the gay guy from Melrose Place, and Matthew Broderick the worm scientist.  We respectfully pass.
Yours,
Rodan

[Foywonder]

Minya to Wycked Nick:

"WAAAAG WAAAAH!"

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

[Flangepart]

Dear Rodan.
While we appreciate Godzilla's predicimant, and sympethise with his being dissed by Roland and Emmerich, we still would like another chance to prove ourselves.
Please conciter a "Summer vacation" this year. A short, destructive rampage through the wilds of California could do you a world of good. And as we have Arnold S. a Gov. of "La-La land", this might make for a stimulating contest of wills, as it were.
Please conciter this an appology for the travesty that is...that film in 98, and let us show you some American hospitality.

[raj]

PS, if you do come to the US, specifically California, it would afford you an excellent opportunity to show Hollywood what monsters look like, and how they act.  Please feel free to give the movie makers & producers a "live fire" demonstration.

[Eirik]

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.  You had Godzilla get beat by French soldiers.  FRENCH SOLDIERS.  That's just cold, man.
Rodan

[Grumpy Guy]

Dear Mr. Nick,

I am offended, nay, outraged at your accusation.  I, as a giant monster, have never shown a preference for Japan.  Indeed, I have never set foot on the Land of the Rising Sun, nor do I intend to.

However, I must still address your statement, and provide a reason why I have not visited your fair nation.

It is simply a matter of logistics.  I would have to traverse the entierity of the Pacific ocean to get to United States territory, and that is simply beyond my means at this time.  

Please try to remember that it is impossible for me (and my fellow giant monsters) to get a seat on a commercial flight, or on  even the largest of cruise ships.  Therefore, we must walk to your nation, and that is more than "around the block" as you Americans say.

Regardless, I demand an immediate apology vis-a-vis your baseless accusation that all monsters have a preference for Japan.

Yours Sincerely,

Yongari

[Bgrade.]

Clap, Clap, Clap.....

[wickednick]

Perhaps I owe an apology to those giant monsters who are confined to movement to land or sea, but those giant monsters capable of flight have no excuse. I wish one to see a day were all the giant monsters can destroy citys all over the world, regardless of poltical motivations, race, or creed.But aparantly the Japans giant monsters do not wish this.
Perhaps if you could see are current situation with the monsters that comonoly plaugue the U.S. you would understand why we need the Japanese variety so much.There is no chalange for are scientists any more in ridding giant insects.While Japans monster destroying technology grows with each attack, we are left defenseless to an attack by a large monster.
What if King Kong happened to return.All we have is F-14's,F-16's, and Stealth Bombers to fend him off.While the Japanese have high powered beam weapons, weapons capable of creating black holes, and two minature women who can speak to monsters, namely Mothra.
It is for this reason that I urge Japans giant monsters to attack.We need your help.Perhaps are goverments could work out a monster exchange program.Japan would get King Kong or giant insect invasion of there choice, and we could get one of Japans monsters.

[dean]

Apparently King Kong is planning a return, so hopefully destruction will be your way soon.  Or at least that's what his agent said.

Maybe the fascination with Japan is all the bright lights.  After all Mothra is a giant moth, so therefore he goes where the light is, and Las Vegas already had the baby from 'Honey I blew up the kid' romping around, so Mothra went to the next best place, Japan.

Either that or they found out that you can get underwear in vending machines and thought they wanted a slice of the pie.

[Grumpy Guy]

To whom it may concern:

Speaking as a giant monster, We are displeased with your Americentric views.  We have never trod upon Asian soil, and, although we have yet to come to America, we have been shown little reason to come.

I do not understand how you can hope to convince us with your typically violent American reasoning.  Why should we wish to aid you in the developement of new anti-monster technology.  We find your reasoning barbaric, and therefore have little wish to make the trip "across the pond," as it were.

If you Americans could become a little more welcoming of our kind, we might consider tearing apart New York, if that is your wish, although we would perfer Miami, since most of us are reptilian and are therefore affected by ambient temperatures.

Please abandon your warlike policies against monsters.  It is disgraceful the way your country cannot simply allow us to express ourselves in a way appropriate to our natures without fear of reprisal.

Yours In Peace,

The European Monster Consortium.
Prime Minister Gorgo.
Head of Public Relations, Reptilicus.

P.S.  The Prime Minister respectfully asks the American people to leave his son the hell alone.

[Flangepart]

To : The European Monster Consortiam.
Dear Sirs.
Do you have a French monster in your ranks?
I think perhaps an international union of Kaiju is in order here.
But to have a functioning one, there need to be a larger stock of monsters to choose from.
Fact is,the nations of France, Belgium, Germany (Currantly. Fafnar does not count), and most of the worlds nations have yet to provide a kaiju that bespeaks, "Local flavor", as it were, Thats where we may be of help.
We here at C.S.H.R.I, the Columbus State Home for the Reality Impared, have a busness proposision for you. Our crack staff of Mad Scientests and talented henchpersons, can geneticly mutate any animal that is native to a specific nation, and create a kaiju that just reaks of "Local color". Or, just reeks, if that floats yer boat.
Spanish Garlic alone could provide endless hours of panic and devestation, when adiquatly mutated. Trust me. Our own dineing hall will never be the same.
Send us a sample of the animal/plant speciman you would like mutated, and we will, free of charge, provide a small sample beast, large enough to pillage a small town.
Then, if it suits your desires, we can provide a larger creature, perfectly designed to trample, toast, or tenderise the major metropolitan area of your choice.

Please provide shipping, handling, and legal coverage expences to :
                                                    The Columbus State Home for the Reality Impared.
                                                     1313 Leaderhosen Circle.
                                                     Columbus, Ohio. 45202.
                                                      Atten : Bernard T. Merciless. Genetic Reenginerring Dept.
We hope to hearing from you soon.      
                                                      From: Meatloaf Mike c/o H. Flangepart. Ward D-13.

[Conrad]

Hey, surely Russia has a few giant beasties of their own?  You can't tell me that a country the size of Russia, with all it's toxic waste dumps and radioactive "incidents", hasn't got any Kaiju.  With a little-palm greasing from US tax dollars, perhaps the Russians would loan you a monster or two - and they could travel over the Bering Straits from Kamchatka to Alaska, over the ice.

I'm afraid the only hideous monster we possess in the UK is Shaun Ryder (from the Happy Mondays) who is ghastly beyond belief.  Unfortunately his only abilities  are taking lots of drugs and making crap music!

[Grumpy Guy]

To:  The Columbus State Home for the Reality Impared
From:  Reptilicus@EMU.eu.gov
RE:  Your Generous Offer

Dear Sirs:

We thank you for your kind and generous offer.  However, our Minister of the Interrior (Kraken, well known from his appearance in the film Clash of the Titans) has informed me that we have several local monsters that choose not to terrorize the countryside because we in Europe are of a more peaceful and condescending bent.

We prefer to look down our noses athe actions of the so-called"Kaiju," and then go about our peaceful lives.

If you will recall, our Prime Minister (Gorgo) only acted in defense of offspring - a right no one can deny any liveing creature.  We monsters of the Eurpoen Consortium do not enjoy this "rampaging" that the "Kaiju" seem so intent on engaging in.

I think, perhaps, you have mistaken our inaction for low population, or underrepresentation from our constituant nations.  I can only assure you that it is not so.

Yours Sincerely,

Minister of Public Relations,
European Monster Consortium,
Reptillicus.

(Once again, and to my own annoyance as well as yours, the Prime Minister wishes me to express that you are to leave her son the hell alone.)

[AndyC]

I'm just trying to imagine giant monsters trying to live peaceful, ordinary lives -- moving into the suburbs and trying to fit in. The neighbours always call them when they're taking down a tree, or need to get a load of shingles up to the roof, but otherwise tend to give them a wide berth.