What B-movie would you remake?

[Writer]

Some of the value B-movies have to the film industry is that though they're often shoddily made, their makers are sometimes willing to try things that more mainstream people would never dare attempt because there's no guaranteed market for it. Of course, when such experiments are actually successful, Hollywood then will often remake the film with its own professional equipment, a higher budget, and (hopefully) a competent script writer to fix the weaker parts of the original movie's script.

This in mind, suppose you had a Hollywood boss who was out of ideas, and he told you to go find a cheesy film and remake it with a nice big budget. What film would you remake? And what would you do to improve it, aside from (of course) better special effects? What would you clip out, or add in, or rewrite so that it's more plausible?

[Brother Ragnarok]

I would do exactly the opposite.  I would take huge, blockbuster movies that won tons of awards and are loved by everyone, and remake them into awful, micro-budget crapfests for people to laugh at.  I think that would be far more entertaining.

[Deej]

Brother Ragnarok wrote:

> I would do exactly the opposite.  I would take huge,
> blockbuster movies that won tons of awards and are loved by
> everyone, and remake them into awful, micro-budget crapfests
> for people to laugh at.  I think that would be far more
> entertaining.
>

That's a great idea. First, I'd like to see THE ENGLISH PATIENT remade starring Jimmie "J.J." Walker and Justine Bateman.!

[Wence]

I like Brother Ragnarok´s idea, too.

So much big budget crap that could be made even more crappy...
Like INDEPENDENCE DAY!
Imagine this movie with space ships like in starcrash and aliens looking like the Trolls in Troll Part 2 and 3.

B-Movies I would remake:
ARMY OF DARKNESS
FLYING GUILLOTINE
HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN

I have not seen this film yet but to remake it sounds interesting:
NUDE ON THE MOON (starring Pam, JennaJameson, Brianna Banks etc.)   :)

[Mr. Hockstatter]

I was thinking Star Wars with Snoop Doggy Dogg as Luke Skywalker.  He could do a "Jedi rap", because it would be hip and attract a young audience.  For Princess Leia, I'd try to get Ellen Degenerest, and Darth Vader would be an executive at a big tobacco company.  I'd replace the X-wing fighters with really high-tech Japanese motorcycles (that would be CGI in 99% of the scenes), and instead of battling the Empire, our good people would be fighting against global warming.

For the script, I'd just spread feces across a few sheets of paper.

[Writer]

Very funny, guys. Didn't some Belgian company do that with ET? (I think the result was a MST3K episode, "Pod People" which featured Trumpy the flute-nosed alien.) Really, though, the reviews here are always saying things like "Huh? I thought those guys were dead already. But no, it turns out the whole thing was some lame dream sequence." Hence I'm asking, what should the director have done instead his lame dream sequences or whatever other cliched, contradictory, or just plain stupid plot device he used?

[Gerry]

I'd like to see a good solid remake of THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT.  Great story and concept, but terrible effects in that one.  In fact I would like to see any non-Tarzan Burroughs get a really good film treatment.  Here's hoping for the upcoming John Carter of Mars movie.

[DaveMunger]

Parts: The Clonus Horror. I don't know how old I was when I first saw it, but it seemed very scary and plausible that first time. I actually remember it a lot differently than it really was, I'd remake it the way I remember it. Like at the end, instead of going back to Clonus to get killed right away, we flash to an indeterminate time in the future, he's running at night in an unidentified city (kind of like The Fugitive), and THAT'S where they suddenly catch him in their trap, as if they've been following him for months.

[Wence]

Mr. Hockstatter,

"For the script, I'd just spread feces across a few sheets of paper." lol

What about a remake of EPISODE I:
Even more Jedi-Raps, Jedi-Knights with hip gangsta-clothing and a Princess Padme Amidala played by Shakira (in every scene another brandnew stylish hairstyle and the crazy and stylish Shakira-outfits).
Yeah, and who would play Anakin?
Little Bow-Wow (or what the f**k he´s called). He would not win a Pod-Race but a MTV-newcomer show...

The final scene: a hommage on PulpFiction - George Lucas in a dark cellar, tied up, pants dropped, with a red ball in his mouth got f**ked by the imperator (in police uniform).  

(All music by "50 Cent")

[Wence]

Oh, sorry I forgot that this movie would be directed to the kiddy fans of Episode1
so the final scene has to be rewritten:

George Lucas in a dark cellar, tied up, pants dropped, with a red ball in his mouth got f**ked by Jar-Jar Binks.

The marketing machinery would start with a T-shirt with the
"Jar-Jar Binks Bangs George Lucas"-motive on it.

Come on! Isn´t that a great idea?

[peter johnson]

Plan 9 From Outer Space has been remade as a musical Off-Broadway.  A film version can't be far off . . .
The remake of I Married a Monster From Outer Space -- as The Astronaut's Wife -- worked well and was actually very good.
Little Shop of Horrors got remade as a musical.
I'd like to see a more obscure Hammer vampire flick get the full-on remake treatment:  Brides of Dracula, or Scream of Fear.  These were good pictures, held back a bit by budget limitations, that could benefit from a "money-intensive" remake.
peter johnson/denny crane

[Zap]

Hey Wence..

let's mix the Episode I with the glamorous Holiday special.
Remeber the four armed cook. replace it with Xibit who tells the young yedi padawans how to "pimp their pride". And Darth Vader should be "Sido" (damn what a brainless german rap artist.. I'm sure this would be his international breakthrough). He tells amidala that he only will become evil because his mother told him so. The showdown is then a big palace gang fight on Naboo. Drive-by-shooting robots with gold chains in low rider hoovercrafts fighting against ass shaking palace guards

[Wence]

"pimp their pride" lol

Hm... Star Wars Holiday Special?
What about a remake of that?

I think that the original needed some more Wookies, especially the family of Chewbacca.  :)
It should be like... the Cosby family! (With a touch of Al Bundy-Humour)

And... for the films of nowadays are not atractive to the audience anymore when they don´t contain erotics and intimities... it should be some erotics in it, too.

Something like: Chewbacca comes home (horny like hell) - Mala is horny, too - so you´ll see a f**k scene... a hard f**k scene...

In the remake, Lumpy will need a girl fiend, so they can have sex, too.

It seems that the remake would be something, ehm... "special".
It would exist several versions and outtakes.

The most wanted maybe something like:
"Star Wars Holiday Special: Porn in the Treehouse"
or simply:
"Hairy f**kers"

[Lee]

How about a reamake of Deadly Friend? The lead wouldn't be such a dorky little pansy and my version would probably be more over the top. I'd like to take a crack at the basketball scene. :)

How about Death Game? In my version George would get his ass kicked alot more and there would be some INTINTIONAL humor. The ending would definatley be better.

[Ellie]

"Creature from the Black Lagoon"
I love this movie but I would like to see what Hollywood can do with it.