OT: The worst week of my life. I'm a wreck! (long)

[JohnL]

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I haven't been here in about a week. The reason for that is that this past week, my entire world went down the toilet. At this point, I can barely think straight and I'm posting this here in an attempt to try and make myself feel better, although I doubt anything will help much for a long, long time. This board is a place I've always liked to come and posting something makes things seem a little more normal to me.

The first thing you should know is that I'm unemployed and have been living with my parents. I've never posted much about my personal life because it's always been a source of embrassment to me. At my age I should have been completely self-sufficient long ago, but I'm not. I have no excuse other than that I basically screwed up my life big time. I'm like Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons, only without a job.

My father bought a local bar about a year ago, but also kept his job as the driver of a tanker truck for Shell oil. He was basically supporting my mother and I and things were going pretty good. Each night, when he got off work, he'd go to the bar to keep an eye on it, and close up. He would also often stay there until 4:30am or later because some other places had been robbed and he wanted to watch over it. About a month ago, he banged his leg on something and it turned all black & blue, but seemed to be slowly getting better. He refused to go to the doctor. Tuesday morning about 5am, the bartender showed up at the front door to tell us that he had fallen and couldn't get up. She'd tried to call, but we didn't hear the phone. When we got there, the other guy who stayed with him, was just getting off the phone with 911, he said my father wasn't breathing. He started CPR and the paramedics showed up maybe 5 minutes later, although it seemed like hours. They worked on him, put in an IV and eventually took him to the hospital. The bartender drove us and when we got there, they hustled us into a private waiting room, then a doctor & nurse came in to tell us that he was gone. My mother was devastated. I'd never been all that close with my father and cold as it may sound, I was more worried about what would happen to us. I cried, but I was more concerned with how my mother was feeling.

We went to see an attorney to get the bar changed to her name and to straighten out some other stuff. She also started looking into his life insurance and what else she was entitled to.

The bar stayed open and my mother was watching over it, since they didn't really trust the bartenders. For a while now, she's been going to the bar each night to watch over them before my father gets out of work, and then they come home together after closing. She did this on Wednesday and the bartender gave her a ride home. She went Thursday and called me about 1am to tell me that she'd be home in about 15 minutes. A short time later, she called again and in a shaky voice told me that she was up near the end of the street and that she thought she'd broken her leg. It was snowing and the ground was covered and slippery in spots. The bartender who had worked that night lived close enough that he had walked to work. They were walking home together and when they got to our street he offered to walk her all the way home, but she told him she'd be fine, so he continued on home. Shortly after he left, she slipped and fell.

I rushed up as fast as possible and found her in the middle of the street. She gave me her phone and I called 911 (I have no idea why she didn't do that first). They took us to the hospital, signed her in, took some x-rays, had a specialist look at them and it seems that she broke her right thigh in about 3 places. They were waiting for her doctor to come in before they could operate and piece her leg back together. She wanted me to leave at around 6am, since I hadn't had any sleep or eaten. I called a neighbor and while waiting for him to show up, she called her closest friend and joked with her.

I came home, had something to eat and got a couple hours sleep. By 5pm, she called to say that they still hadn't operated, but she wasn't in any real pain and was in good spirits. I later got word that she'd been taken in to the OR. About 9pm, a nurse called and said my mother had asked her to call and let me know that the surgery had gone well and that she was in recovery, so that I wouldn't worry.

I watched TV, and relaxed a little, laid down around midnight and slept till about 2am, when the bartender called and said she'd be dropping off the day's receipts. I went to bed and the hospital called around 3am to tell me that her blood pressure had dropped, she'd suffered a heart attack and was currently hooked up to a ventilator. My neighbor gave me a ride and after telling me the usual bulls**t, they let me see her. She wasn't conscious and her heart stopped again while I was in the room. I went back to the waiting room and about 5 minutes later the nurse came in to tell me she was gone. Apparently it was a blood clot or some complication.

In the space of a single week, I've gone from having two relatively heathy parents to being completely alone. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't know how to get access to their bank accounts, or how I'm going to pay the bills. I'm not even sure if both of them had life insurance or how much it was. If it's not enough to pay off the rest of the mortgage on the house, I think I could lose it.

I've called the family attorney, who specializes in tax law, but who has done other things for them, but I have no clue what needs to be done, or what decisions I'm going to have to make. I'm completely unprepared for this! My parents always took care of everything.

I'm sitting here alone in the house and I can't stop crying. I loved my mother so much and we were always very close. Friends and my mother's cousins have offered to help in any way they can, but I'm just so overwhelmed that I just want it all to go away.

People keep saying that she's in a better place, that it was her time, blah, blah, blah. None of it helps.

I can't believe this happened, It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from.

I can't help regretting that I didn't stay with her, or that I didn't spend more time in the room after she was gone. I regret that I wasn't a better son, that I wasn't as independant as someone should be by my age because I know they both worried about what would happen to me in a situation like this. I regret that I never gave her grandchildren, because I saw how much she liked to fuss over her friend's granddaughter and I know she would have loved to be a grandmother. I regret so many things. I know I shouldn't and that they both loved me, but I can't help the way I feel.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't even know how much longer I'll have my internet account since it's being paid for by one of their credit cards and I don't have any of my own. I'm completely pathetic. I usually don't admit this since it's so humilating to be my age and still relying on my parents.

I don't know if I'll be back here anytime soon.

[Wence]

Your story is very hard.

I have no advise for you since I would be in the same state of confusion and hopelesness if something like that would happen to me.

I hope you´ll get through this.

[trekgeezer]

I wish I knew what to say, but I know that nothing anyone says is going to ease the pain and loss you feel over your parents right now.  You need to mourn, but don't let any guilt you have overwhelm you so much that you can't do what you need to do  to survive yourself.  I have a pretty good idea that your parents  wouldn't  want you doing that .

I think you need to stay connected to something though, even if it is a bad movies message board.

Sometimes what you need is to know that  someone is there that cares. We've seen other folks go through bad things here and the response is always positive. You need an outlet , so try to hang on to that internet  account or go to the public library or something, but stay connected.  

There are people here who care and would miss you even if we are sight unseen to each other .  This is also a diverse group that could probably provide some advice with the legal and financial  woes this tragedy has caused.

If there is anything we could do  let us know and keep in mind that folks here care.

My household will be praying for you .

[daveblackeye15]

I'm not great with advice but I need to say this.

You do need time to mourn but as somebody said you can't let it in the way when things are so unsure. There has got to be somebody you can turn to to learn about everything you need to know. You must find this information out or else! I am just a high school student and don't know much about living but I have lost my dad and I'm old enough to know that you can't give up. Now is the best time to learn.

As they would say on a old Japanese robot team show: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

I'm sorry if I don't know anything about money but please stay with us, I care about you you where here when I first started coming here and it'd suck ball if you dissapeared

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

[Eirik]

JohnL:

I am so sorry for what you've been through - I can't imagine what you are going through, so I don't know what to say about dealing with your loss.  I guess I can offer you this advice:

1.  Take a day and go through all your parents' papers.  If they had insurance (and I think they probably did given that you said they worried about you) you will find the paperwork stored safely somewhere.  You also need to locate their will (another thing I feel they probably took care of) and get it to your lawyer.  There will also be information on their banks, mortgages, the business, and credit cards, get these to your lawyer so he can notify them.  People sort of "hate" lawyers as a matter of course, but right now, yours is your best friend.  He'll pull you through the paperwork stuff which right now you are in no condition to handle yourself.

2.  Your lawyer should make some money immediately availeble for living expenses, but you'll also want to see to getting the mortgage paid.  Short term you want a roof over your head -- long term if you decide to sell the house, you want YOUR real estate person handling it, not some mortgage company.  Tens of thousands of dollars could hang in the balance.

3.  Start changing your attitude about yourself now.  Whatever may have kept you from getting a job and beoming independent before, that isn't an option now.  Don't be afraid to ask for help here from a relative or your lawyer, even if the initial asking seems embarassing.  Whatever you think of yourself, you write well which puts you ahead of about 80% of job applicants out there.  You're not pathetic - you're a person we respect and now you're going to find out what you're really made of.  I think once you get past your loss you are going to surprise yourself.

4.  Have those grand kids for your mom someday.  I believe she'll see them and enjoy them even if she isn't physically there.  And if you have a girl, I think you may have a good first name for her.

Eirik

[BeyondTheGrave]

I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. I hope you the best, I know you will get through this.


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You can’t give it, you can't buy it, and you just don't get it!-Aeon Flux

[Scott]

Start making a list of the things already mentioned..................Take one day at a time........................do what you can yourself and accecpt the help from the relatives, friends, and neighbors who made offers to help..........................

The main thing is slow down so you can begin to pick yourself up and find out were you stand. Start from the beginning. The beginning often starts with small steps.

Take care of yourself John. We always enjoy your company on the messageboard.

[Ellie]

I will pray for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. How awful for you.

[Brother Ragnarok]

I've got no more to add than my sympathy, brother, but know that I'm pulling for you.  I wish I had more to contribute, but you'll be in my thoughts.

[odinn7]

I'm not good at this but JohnL, just know that I will keep you in my thoughts. You have received some very good advice here from some very caring people.

[ulthar]

As others have said, you will be in my prayers.

[AndyC]

I've run into some tragic stories in my job, but few can come close to that. It's hard to imagine.

Sounds like you might have an occupation ready-made if you can take over that bar. You could go from unemployed to independent businessman overnight. You just need some trusted and knowledgeable people around who can get you started.

You can't do anything about the choices you've made up to this point, so it serves no purpose to keep beating yourself up. The important thing is that you do something with the rest of your life. This might be the push that you needed. By taking motivation from this tragedy, you can give it some meaning, by ensuring that something good comes of it. That's about the best tribute you can give your parents.

[Menard]

I am sitting here trying to think of something to say and I am at a loss of words.

All I can say is that friends and relatives are going to be important to you right now. Even though you have several issues with which to deal, ask for and let those who can help do everything they can for you. If in any way you feel that is an imposition, it is not. From having lost a parent, I can say that people are very willing to lend a hand and do not consider it an imposition, and that includes all of us on this board.

The lawyer and your insurance agent are going to be the best help you can get with the financial and estate matters. If they don't know the answers themselves, they know somebody who does.

Although you are occupied with many particulars with which to deal due to this situation, if you need to take a day to yourself to mourn and collect yourself, do. It may help you to deal with things better.

Of course, communication at this time is helpful and essential. If you feel down or like withdrawing, reach out to somebody, even if you don't feel like it at the time, because you won't regret it.

Ask us anything. Keep the communication open. We hope we can count ourselves among your friends and want to be here for you.

[Master Blaster]

I cant even begin to imagine what you must be going through. For whatever they're worth I offer my condolences to you and your family. We all want to see you get through this.

[Ash]

I know all about family tragedy as you'll probably remember that my only younger brother was killed in a motorcycle accident just over a year and a half ago.
www.corychapman.com

But to lose two family members in such a short period of time....man, I can't imaging that kind of pain & grief.

Making that website for him was my way of coming to terms and dealing with his unexpected death.

I only offer you this advice because it worked for me.
Grieve and let most of it filter out of your system and then channel the rest into something creative like a website or something else.

You have my support brother.
Chin up!