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BABES IN TOYLAND - 2 Slimes
Rated G
Copyright 1986 Finnegan Company.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Lisa - Drew Barrymore! Little girl who hits her head against a tree and ends up in Toyland, just in time to right some serious wrongs.
  • Mary Contrary - Mother Hubbard's daughter, almost married off to Barnaby, though she loves jack. (He's nimble, it's the quick part she hates.)
  • Jack B Nimble Jr. - Keanu Reeves! Young guy who is deeply in love with Mary.
  • Georgie Porgie - Chubby fellow who is the quality inspector for the cookie factory.
  • The Toymaster - Pat Morita! (Mr. Miyagi) Benevolent ruler of Toyland and creator of every plaything in the world.
  • The Residents of Toyland - Teddy bears, mice, and all the characters from fairy tales you can think of.
  • The Toy Soldiers - Tall as a man, these guys are the defenders of Toyland.
  • Zack and Mack - Albino hunchbacks who work for Barnaby, fairly inept.
  • Trollog - Freakish one-eyed bird, ahm, thing.
  • The Trolls - Monsters inhabiting the forest outside Toyland, they appear to be killer Christmas trees.
  • Barnaby - Evil man who wishes to control Toyland, why do evil people always wear such gay hats? Presumed eaten by Trolls.


The Plot: 

You really can't blame me for wanting to review this one, Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves in a loose adaptation of "The Wizard of Oz." Except it's set in Ohio, which for some reason the natives spell O-E-I-O. After being thrown from her sister's boyfriend's cheap 4X4 and slamming into a tree the young heroine finds herself in Toyland. Now this is a magical place, it's a mystical place, with teddy bear policemen and a horrible public transit system. Cars are community property, if you need one you hop in and take it. The main characters never had a problem getting wheels, but I'd bet stranded field mice had some very unmagical things to say at times. Lisa doesn't have a clue about fixing that problem, but she does stop Mary from getting hitched to Barnaby. (He holds the lien on Hubbard's dwelling.) That pretty much annoys the bad guy, so much he takes to calling her "Cinci-whatski," vice the much easier "Lisa." Barnaby is plotting to take over Toyland, first by framing Jack for a cookie theft at the factory and then stealing the Toymaster's flask of concentrated evil. Why in the heck would you keep concentrated evil lying around anyway? Is there some law it can't be destroyed? (Conservation of evil? I dunno.) The regiment of Toy Soldiers are capable of stopping the rampaging Trolls, but only if Lisa can become a child and believe once more. Steel yourself to watch countless people in outfits like one is treated to at small town fairs and the musical numbers. Oh the songs, especially the crooning salute to Cincinnati.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • If an electric pole is knocked down it only takes out the phones.
  • Mean people live in bowling balls.
  • Everyone who works in a bakery wears roller skates.
  • If you can't pay the rent in cash the bank will take kids.
  • Not being able to blink is a serious problem when you only have one eye.
  • People from Cincinnati are immune to poison gas.
  • Concentrated evil should be stored in an appropriate container, specifically not something glass.
  • Teddy bears are not cut out for riot control.
  • Wedding vows should include the phrase "Give him a lot of fun." on general principle.
  • Santa is a little Japanese man.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 13 mins - Oh, you're dead...
  • 17 mins - Hey Lisa, don't these people look familiar? Mom, sister, etc?
  • 35 mins - All they eat in this town are cookies, no wonder people die young.
  • 41 mins - Bad edit, one moment Toymaster is holding the toy, then it's on the stand, then he's holding it again.
  • 52 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PINWHEEL!
  • 57 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TEDDY BEAR!
  • 60 mins - She has a toy bat, he has a toy wrench, oh boy are those monsters scared.
  • 72 mins - Is that a rose, er, tree?
  • 75 mins - Are you saying Drew Barrymore grew up too early? Maybe drug addiction by the early teens?
  • 94 mins - You didn't take your daughter to a hospital? She hit a tree going about thirty miles an hour with the back of her head. She's been having delusions of killer Christmas trees, cookie factories, and teddy bear policemen. It's called a concussion.

Quotes: 

  • Jack: "Welcome to glorious Cincinnati, queen of Ohio's alpine ski resorts!"
  • Mary: "Toymaster, we've got to talk to you."
    Jack: "Really sir, for the sake of Toyland."
    Toymaster: "Well yes, I'm listening."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note babestoyland1.wav Lisa: "And Mrs. Hubbard you should be ashamed, forcing your poor daughter to go live in a bowling ball just to pay your mortgage!"
Green Music Note babestoyland2.wav Barnaby: "You again! Cinci-whatski! Out the door, or into the flour grinder! Which shall it be?"
Lisa: "Uh, I think maybe, 'Out the door.' sounds better."
Green Music Note babestoyland3.wav Jack: "Barnaby is attacking Toyland, his monsters will take control of everything!"
Lisa: "Toymaster, don't just stand there, you've got to do something."
Green Music Note babestoyland4.wav Judge Grimm: "Do you Mary Contrary Hubbard take this man, Jack Nimble Junior, to be your husband, to love and cherish and give him a lot of fun?"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbabestoyland1.mpg - 2.5m
Lisa finally remembered how to be a child and the toy soldiers came to life. I wanted to see the cute bunnies take up arms and fight off the trolls! Just imagine a scene like the first few moments of "Saving Private Ryan," but with a pink rabbit looking for its arm.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6 7 8
Babes in Toyland
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Otto Baron
From an opening musical number that demonstrates the wonders of life in Cincinatti (as well as the difficulty of coming up with words that rhyme with it) This is a special treat for afficiandos of really bad cinema.  The severity of the charge of "Grand theft cookies", the touching scene where Drew Barrymore remembers her negligee (I still have my teddy!) And let's not forget how Santa may know if children are naughty or nice, but is apparently clueless when it comes to the behavior of adults.(He just adores Pete Rose.)I located a copy of this some years back at McDonalds, and found it a worthy follow-up to the equally well crafted "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians) This film was well worth the price of a big mac-without any of the artery hardening greese you'd get from eating it.  The Only thing this film lacks is the Joel Hodges and his robot friends doing a commentary.
Babes in Toyland
Reply #34. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by nobody reads names!
Why are those damn kids laughing? The dudes killed like two trolls. Now the trolls will eat Santa. Now I'M laughing.
Babes in Toyland
Reply #35. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Corey
Cute movie. Liked the "Cinnskiwhat'ski?" gag a lot. I prefer the original version, though. Laurel and Hardy made better flunkies. This movie's good in it's own right though. I give it an 8.5 out of 10.
Babes in Toyland
Reply #36. Posted on November 24, 2004, 02:52:06 PM by Amanda
Im at work and I got the Gay Cincinnati song stuck in my head so I started looking for the lyrics and found the song here! I used to watch this movie everyday when I was a kid!!
Babes in Toyland
Reply #37. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by kerri
I dont care what anyone else says, I think the film is awesome and right now I am going on ebay to find it, Keanu was incredibly cute in this film and Drew, well you could'nt find a better actress for that film! loved it!
Babes in Toyland
Reply #38. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Kelly
Aww, come on.  This movie may suck but it's pretty much a children's classic.  I used to watch everyday and I made all my friend's watch (and we're all in high school) and they still liked it.  If you still think it sucks, at least the cheesiness of it all is still funny.  And they get to drive those sweet little cookie cars!
Babes in Toyland
Reply #39. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Sora the B-Movie Alchemist
Every year, my mother drags out these god-awful Christmas films. This... horrid piece was a member of the Sora-Torture Fest. Thankfully, I was so young I don't remember much.

Rating: N/A
Babes in Toyland
Reply #40. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Frank
One thing the reviewer forgot to mention:  Not only will being from Ohio make you immune to zombie making poison, you will also be immune even if you just sing about a place that you have not only never been to but have never even heard of.

DAMN IT! Now I Have that Cincinati song stuck in my head
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