BATS
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| Rated PG-13
| | Copyright 1999 Destination Films.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Dr. Sheila Casper - Dina Meyer! Specialist in bats, though she's not quite used to them eating people.
- Sheriff Kimsey - Lou Diamond Phillips! (Lalala... ...oh skip it.) Probably the youngest sheriff in Texas' long history.
- Jimmy - Sheila's assistant who hates bats.
- Dr. Hodge - CDC representative, pretty gutsy for a desk jockey. Has his throat ripped out by Bert and Ernie.
- Mayor Branson - Local elected official, about as effective as dirt.
- Deputy Wesley - Kimsey's friend, just here to be eaten.
- Dr. McCabe - Mad scientist who created Bert and Ernie, wanders around believing he can control them until his winged terrors set that record straight.
- Bert and Ernie - The two genetically altered bats from McCabe's lab, they appear to be Pugs with wings. Bert gets toasted during a really confusing scene and Ernie is run over by a truck.
- The Bats - Normal insectivores infected with a virus carried by Bert and Ernie, it turns them into killers! Frozen to death.
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When you name your movie "Bats" everyone has a general idea what the monster is, though they might not imagine something which looks like a winged Pug. You heard me, those ugly little dogs which appear to have run muzzle first into a wall, with wings. Oh, and they're mean, real mean.
Despite an interesting beginning the movie quickly degrades into frontal lobotomy territory, not the least of which is a patented military response. First off they're determined to eradicate the bats through bombs and antitank missiles, then an attempt to destroy the roost at night gets them all killed, since most recruits have at least high school diplomas these days I'd say our public education system is worthless. Not that it would matter, the creatures at hand are nigh invulnerable, only serious firepower can harm them. Bats (Even mutated ones.) are fairly light, this facilitates the miracle of flight, a female ballet dancer rolling over one would do some damage. Except to this variety, it just gets them mad.
By the way, Sheriff Kimsey is the best shot I've seen in my life, any guy who can score perfect shooting at flitting targets with a pistol is a God.
After losing half the town's population to an attack everyone is evacuated, except the civilian researchers who barricade themselves into the school. Why they stayed in town I have no idea, but it gave McCabe a chance to degenerate into mad scientist mode just prior to his death.
With an air strike scheduled to bomb the bat's cave (Huh?) it's up to Sheila and Kimsey, they must carry out the original plan: Turn on a huge refrigeration unit and freeze the creatures to death. Too bad for the bats, they're only highly intelligent when the script requires... ...such as destroying a member of the swarm when it has been captured and fitted with a tracking device, the idea to change caves after being discovered never dawns on them. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Half second images flashed on the screen are impossible to follow and annoying.
- The CDC (Center for Disease Control) is in charge of bat outbreaks.
- Any sort of netting reminds law enforcement types of prostitute clothing.
- A two pound bat can knock a man weighing eighty times that off his bike and proceed to kick his ass.
- When being eaten by bats: Stop, Drop, and Roll.
- The movie Nosferatu is very popular in redneck towns.
- Never compare your impromptu fort to the Alamo.
- Large mining complexes are often left off of maps, despite being the most interesting thing for fifty miles.
- Bats can chew through a chain link fence.
- Guano explodes into fireworks when ignited.
- Bats can burrow, just like moles and gophers.
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- 8 mins - The town looks to have paved roads, why is the airport several miles away and at the end of a rough dirt trail?
- 14 mins - Darn things must be indestructible too, nobody has killed one.
- 21 mins - Any reason you two were sitting so far from the truck?
- 25 mins - Why are they leaving? Hey, come back, eat these people!
- 35 mins - Sheila knows any good store clerk has a pistol behind the counter.
- 38 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BEEF JERKY!
- 41 mins - Grab that thing and make it sorry, no don't stare at it you idiot...
- 45 mins - Hellfire missiles are made for killing armored vehicles, like tanks.
- 52 mins - Freeze them to death? How about nerve gas? Hello?
- 58 mins - Lovely, the bat woman has a neat hand held radar, but the military doesn't have any way to keep track of the things?
- 61 mins - Out comes the fire extinguisher, I'm certain that CO2 is going to help.
- 80 mins - What's exploding? Slow down!
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- Kimsey: "So does that make you a batologist?"
- Sheila: "Bats do not kill people, period."
- McCabe: "Because I'm a scientist, that's what we do, make things better."
- Jimmy: "I don't like anything moving higher up the food chain than me."
- Jimmy: "If another one of your bats even looks at me... ...I'm coming for you."
- Kimsey: "Are you kidding me? I am not up to my chest in bat shit!"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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