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THE BEASTMASTER - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1982 Beastmaster N.V.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dar - Marc Singer! Heroic and brave warrior that can communicate with animals, since he was born from a cow, cries if you hurt his feelings though.
  • Kiri - Stunning girl with piercing eyes who falls head over heels in love with Dar. Oh, they're cousins by the way.
  • Seth - John Amos! Brawny and jovial retainer for King Zed who has taken care of Tal all these years. Not the first guy I'd ask to see in a leather thong.
  • Tal - Dar's younger brother, believed to be the rightful heir.
  • Kodo and Podo - Dar's ferrets who often appear to be useful items attached to a string and pulled along the ground. Kodo is flame broiled.
  • The Panther - Dar's feline friend. I just want to know what psycho dyed a tiger black.
  • The Eagle - It's an animal, guess what? It's Dar's avian companion, his eyes in the sky.
  • The Bat, er People - Freakish creatures who worship eagles and digest anything caught in their wings.
  • Zed - Dar's father and the rightful king, gutted by Maax.
  • The Jun Horde - Not much of a barbarian horde really, more like the Jun Hors D'oeuvres after the Bat, er People, get done with them.
  • Maax - Rip Torn! Evil priest of the letter "R." He has an endless supply of bald acolytes and gymnastic witches. Dar sends him to meet his god.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

I must say this is the best bang for your buck as sword and sorcery flicks go, delivering decent characters and fight scenes along with a tidy little plot. So much as any movie that involves a witch sucking out a woman's baby and depositing it into a cow's uterus can be called tidy. Genghis Doolittle is saved from the witch's sacrificial knife by a kind farmer, then raised in a small farming community. Taught early on to hide his strange powers Dar is left with nothing after the Jun Horde destroys his village. Seems a little rain was all he needed to grow, in short order he assembles an impressive animal entourage and falls in love with Kiri at first sight. Presumably by the end of the movie both know they are cousins, it doesn't make any difference, our last image of them is passionately kissing on top a rock outcropping. (They went on to found West Virginia.) The Beastmaster has his work cut out for him, the evil priest must be killed, the evil army must be stopped, and he has to get his cousin. (The girl.) As such the movie is replete with some satisfying fight scenes, including one or two "eaten by dyed tiger" pieces I have grown to love. Don't miss the wonderful section detailing how to create a "Death Guard" either. First you torture him into insanity, then screw studded leather armor and spikes into his flesh, finish out by putting a leech in his ear. (I don't know why on that last part either, maybe they're just being mean...)

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • King's bedchambers are not very well guarded, someone can easily sneak in with a cow.
  • Witches are extremely flammable.
  • Normal people burn pretty easy too.
  • Ferrets are kleptomaniacs.
  • If the hero chucks a razor sharp boomerang at you and misses, pay attention to it's return path.
  • Great cats are perfect for picking up women.
  • Never let a Bat, er Person, hug you.
  • If today's church service involves roasting kids alive you might want to leave your daughter at home.
  • Eagles can carry children twice their weight.
  • Ferrets can gnaw through anything, branches, rope, and genitalia. (I'm not going to explain, no way.)
  • Tar is an explosive.
  • Never lay on a spiked mace.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - They certainly must have thrown those choke chains into the ceiling hard.
  • 9 mins - She used magic to transfer the unborn child out of the mother and into the cow? I sure hope the hookups are the same...
  • 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HEADDRESS!
  • 18 mins - Why exactly are you going to try and fight mounted warriors in the middle of a field?
  • 25 mins - How did the sword get sheathed?
  • 35 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 43 mins - The guy being eaten had black hair, but this shot is definitely showing brown hair.
  • 47 mins - Hey kid, isn't that rock hot?
  • 85 mins - Thank goodness for wagons full of hay in just the right places.
  • 101 mins - I bet the evil army will forget the tar moat around the city.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note beastmaster1.wav Zed: "I have been told you are planning a child sacrifice."
Green Music Note beastmaster2.wav Dar: "They whip you like a beast!"
Kiri: "I am a slave, what would you have me do?"
Green Music Note beastmaster3.wav Maax: "R is not yet satisfied!"
Green Music Note beastmaster4.wav Zed: "Who is this man?"
Seth: "He is a friend, he is the Beastmaster!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbeastmaster1.mpg - 2.4m
You are probably wondering why this huge explosion happens when the bad guy falls into the moat. Well, the moat was filled with oil by the defenders beforehand...uh, I actually do not know why it blows up. It should have just caught on fire.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6
The Beastmaster
Reply #25. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Steve
OK, this one was bad, but not fatally bad. Marc Singer was a believable heroic hunk, if not a great actor, Tanya Roberts was beatiful, and John Amos makes a much better Chairman of the Joint Cheifs of Staff, but all in all it wasn't that bad.The animals were great, better actors than any of the principles. As W.C.Fields said "never work with children or animals" the animals stold the show. The end of the film was magnificent, however, the baiiles very well done. I was impressed,
The Beastmaster
Reply #26. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Kazairl
Yes, an enjoyable sword-sorcery movie, and the baby-transferring into the cow is FREAKY, as are the Bat-people.  For the curious, it is EXTREMELY LOOSELY based on the Andre Norton science-fiction novel The Beastmaster (Andre Norton disavowed the movie.)  The novel is about a Navajo Terran soldier starting his life on a new planet after Earth has been fried in an interstellar war.  (Yes, the movie is THAT LOOSELY BASED on the book.)  For the disbelieving, the hero of the book is telepathically bound to his combat team of animals, which are a large cat, an African Black Eagle, and 2 meerkats.

 
The Beastmaster
Reply #27. Posted on July 06, 2004, 09:32:41 PM by night heron
How come the juns where those freaky masks? are the ugly as sin underneith? or do the look like weirdos or what ever? And as for DAR  well he can realy say LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME(LITTLE BIRD?)and the villager dose ad a interesting adition a comedy stand in sort of like a funny man to liven things up
The Beastmaster
Reply #28. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Corey
Been a while since I watched this movie, but I thouroughly enjoyed it. Loved the ferrets (were there ferrets in the movie? I can't remember.)
The Beastmaster
Reply #29. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Lisa
I love this movie. This is the greatest most awful bad movie of all time. It is a legend. I can't recommend it highly enough, if you  have lots of liquor and whatever else to get you through it. Truly a marvel of hideousness.
The Beastmaster
Reply #30. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Chrisb
I could just tell when I heard that crazed cackling from the crones that their faces weren't going to be pretty.
Usually I prefer my 80's fantasy heroes to have a bit more charisma than your Singers and your Arnies, relying on wit and intelligence over brawn in the face of overwhelming opposition - the Dragonslayer / Dark Crystal mould.
There was really no perilous quest here; Dar rarely seemed in any danger at all. His enemies proved unequal and underwhelming, lacking that 'omnipotent threat factor' of the best of the genre.

The ferrets antics and Tanya Roberts helped pass the time.Those eyes! (no, hers!)
The Beastmaster
Reply #31. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by james
This is one of my favorite S&S movies ever. It's just so cheesy! What's more, you can tell that none of the cast is taking it seriously, resulting in some awesomely OTT performances. There are so many things to like about this movie: the supermodel witches with the botched face lifts, the recycled death priests that seem to pop up throughout the movie, despite being killed several times over, the green eyed psycho guards, the batmen with the eagle fetish... Honestly, there's never a dull moment in this movie. Cow cesarians, exploding huts on stilts, bears hiding in bushes, incestuous love interests, random sword swinging (for no apparent reason), ferret sniffing, random stick swinging (for no apparent reason), stealing the clothes off nude bathing girls and then sexually accosting them afterwards... hilarity!
The Beastmaster
Reply #32. Posted on July 11, 2005, 09:45:46 PM by PurplePeopleEater
Excellent movie.  Is better than the sum of its obvious flaws.  Heh, how did everyone like the second.  Kodo and Podo ROCK!
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