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BLEEDERS - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1996 Bloodline Films Inc.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 December 2000

The Characters:  

  • John - Quiet and reserved, probably due to the fact that he is dying of a strange blood disease.
  • Kathleen - Wow! (Excuse me, male reaction.) She is John's beautiful and faithful wife, just totally unprepared for competition.
  • Dr. Marlowe - Rutger Hauer! Retired doctor now pursuing a new career as an alcoholic. Mr. Hauer has been frighteningly convincing as a drunk in recent appearances.
  • Byrde - Greedy woman who has no scruples, plus she wears an ugly wig. Real ugly. Take it off her head and beat it with a stick ugly. So ugly that a freak half rips it off when it kills her. The wig is just that damn ugly.
  • Alice - Thin daughter to Byrde, though horrified by her mother's very nature. In addition to being the island's mortician she acts sort of creepy, she probably didn't date much before her death.
  • Lexi - Armed as many crotchety old women are, she has chosen a rifle instead of the customary shotgun. Fat lot of good it does her, for a serene existence on cat food is denied when a Van Daam freak comes to visit.
  • The Van Daam Freaks - Disgusting creatures created through centuries of inbreeding, some of which might have even been conceived by hermaphrodites fertilizing themselves. Ugh.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

After a short scene involving incestuous Dutch royalty to provide background for everything we are going to be pummeled with the movie begins in earnest. By that I mean the main characters are introduced.

John and Kathleen have traced John's roots to a small island off the coast of Maine, where a town struggles to carry on the business of living. They probably struggle with keeping their clothes clean as well, since everyone seems to be involved with fishing in some way and none of the roads are paved. Which means they are dirt and this is Maine, which means a lot of rain. Dirt + Rain = Mud.

With his condition reaching the point of being life threatening the pair are trying to find out more about the family history. While many of the islanders are of little help, Lexi knows all about his past. She tells the story of finding the Van Daam's hidden tunnels and being given John (as a baby) to spirit away. Despite his unhealthy skin coloring and mismatched eyes the baby was far too normal for the freaks, this is why John was sent away.

What does a subterranean genetic horror eat though? Corpses of course, the embalmed bodies buried in the island's only cemetery. The problem is that (due to Byrde's failure in adhering to regulations) all of the bodies are being disinterred and shipped to the mainland. Their normal food supply removed, the freaks soon begin preying on hapless townsfolk.

My common sense organ (diseased as it is - a product of far too many movies of this kind) writhed in my torso, before the questions finally hit me. How many people are dying on a regular basis? The population cannot be any more than two hundred, but until now there were enough expired townsfolk to keep the freaks fed? Is this the fabled "poor fisherman's graveyard" where old net casters go to die?

Investigating everything does provide a cure for John's disease, albeit an extremely distasteful one. To survive he must chow down on the same food as the other Van Daams, embalmed corpses. Unfortunately the only suitable entree Dr. Marlowe has on hand is a pickled baby.

So he eats it. I am most certainly not kidding (accept the fact, he bites into it like a zesty kosher dill), the young man munches on pickled baby and instantly feels better. Imbued with a newfound lust for life he has passionate sex with Kathleen, she is so tickled by the attention as not to notice her husband's fetus breath.

Elsewhere on the island (where less nasty things are happening) the residents have taken shelter inside the lighthouse. During the chaos of freaks attacking and the floor collapsing John realizes that he doesn't want to live in the world of normal humans, he wants to live with the other Van Daams. Emboldened by this decision he escapes from his gorgeous wife and flees into the arms of a fat hermaphrodite sister (only part freak). The end.

For the most part this is a normal bad movie with a disturbing plot, but good Lord man, why didn't you just pour off the formaldehyde and drink that?

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Incest is a symptom of narcissism.
  • Formaldehyde is a poor substitute for perfume.
  • Women love pasty faced men with mismatched eyes and feeble constitutions.
  • The best way to let your wife know you'd like some lovin' is to stick your fingers down her throat.
  • There is a direct connection between hermaphrodites and alcoholism.
  • Skeletons always remain in one piece.
  • Pickled babies are an aphrodisiac.
  • If you are only going to say three words in your entire life make sure they are not "No f**king way!"

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 12 mins - Shouldn't she have specified how much of the drug needed to be administered? A nurse indeed!
  • 21 mins - Take off that blood stained shirt and learn some table manners, people will think you were raised in underground tunnels.
  • 35 mins - Is she laughing?
  • 37 mins - And the rat got into the coffin how?
  • 46 mins - How does Dr. Marlowe know what seminal fluid smells like? Is that on the final exam at medical school?
  • 52 mins - John must have a degenerative brain disease too if it took him that long to realize her story was a ruse.
  • 71 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 77 mins - Just shoot the stupid freaks, they move like molasses for crying out loud.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note bleeders1.wav Kathleen: "It's a degenerative congenital blood disease. That's, that's all we know."
Green Music Note bleeders2.wav Alice: "Hey, did you hear about the coffins? Somebody's been breaking into 'em."
Green Music Note bleeders3.wav Dr. Marlowe: "He found some inbreeding. Inbreeding can cause mutations, genetic changes."
Green Music Note bleeders4.wav Dr. Marlowe: "The island is undercut by tunnels, all leading to the cemetery. There are things living in them, they are feeding on corpses."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbleeders1.mpg - 2.8m
Alice climbed down into the grave to steal a necklace from the recently departed (for the best of intentions). Too bad for her a Van Daam is waiting beneath and it is very hungry.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 4
Bleeders
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Manuel
This is probably one of the worst movies I've seen in some years. It sucks big time.
Bleeders
Reply #2. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Chadzilla
An unofficial adaptation of The Lurking Fear by H.P. Lovecraft.  It made me jump and squirm even when I watched it a second time, so I award it four slimes.  It's just so twisted and rubs me the right way.  I like this one about as much as I liked Dead and Buried (same guy, Dan O'Bannon, co-wrote both of them)  Dean Koontz used the hermaphrodite impregnating itself idea in his sorry ass novel The Bad Place, now THAT'S some serious pain.
Bleeders
Reply #3. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Smiley
This movie ruled.  Rutger Hauer is one of my favorite actors.  Split Second is among the greatest B-flicks ever filmed.  As a huge fan of H.P. Lovecraft, this movie was a real treat finally a movie that was worthy of being influenced by the Great Old One.  Most movies with his name tagged to them suck painfully, with a few exceptions (Re-Animator, From Beyond).  Although, it was odd seeing a Lovecraft related movie without Jeff Combs.  Rock on Dan O'Bannon!
Bleeders
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by BAD_TASTE
Hey c'mon that movie sux! The idea was great but the ending is anything but good. The only thing that make me want to see this movie again is the really cool sex scene.
Bleeders
Reply #5. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Scaarge
I have to admit, when I saw this film in the "Coming Attractions" section, I thought, "Well, itıs been awhile since thereıs been a Skull rating."  Seeing it given three slimes surprised me.  However, Iım an open-minded guy.
I bought this film, sight unseen, on DVD, for one reason only:  the name Dan OıBannon in the credits.  Hey, stop yelling at me.  "Dark Star," "Alien," "Total Recall," "Screamers"‹this guy has written some top drawer stuff.  And of course, he wrote and directed "Return of the Living Dead."  
So when I first watched "Bleeders" I felt pretty let down.  But based on the review here, I blew the dust off my DVD and watched it again.  AndŠitıs not too bad, really.  Pretty well directed, acted, good music, and has a good creepy atmosphere.
Itıs when the titular menaces show up that things fall apart, and the center cannot hold.  I mean, cımon.  These little big-headed sluggish ape-things are a menace?  With their dinky little bone tools?  I should think a good solid kick would not only dislodge said tools but also cave in their bloated skulls too.  My cat is a more powerful foe.  Ewoks are more powerful!  And "Molasses" is generous in accessing their speed.
In fact, I imagine your average Cub Scout troupe, say six kids, not even expert in knot-tying, and still suffering severe diarhea from Burrito Night, and most of them fat, could hand the Van Dammeıs asses back to them in between sing-alongs.  
I guess you could say they didnıt impress me.  Thanks to the good Sgt, though, I am more impressed by the film they appear in.  Who says the Internet is a waste of time?
By the way, anyone who wants to see H.P. Lovecraft done really well should seek out a copy of "The Resurrected" (directed byŠDan OıBannon).
Oh, alsoŠanybody else think that the painter in the prologue looked a LOT like Bruce Willis?
Bleeders
Reply #6. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Thema
I almost liked this. It is called Hemoglobin in Finland(atleast) and it doesn't show the baby eating scene. damn!
Bleeders
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Andrew
This film is too ridiculous to be scary. In horror there has to be some grounding in believability. This film throws at believability out the door  in favor of  contrived horror.  Worst the creatures themselves are not scary. They look like rejects from goulies. Unfortunately, instead of filming them in darkness the director decides to show them in all their phony detail.
I will give the film some credit for being funny. However, I don't believe the director was going for comedy.
Bleeders
Reply #8. Posted on August 02, 2001, 10:42:07 AM by silentzero
This movie sucked. The sex was good. The self-f*cking little monsters .. well.. they could literally f*ck themselves. :(
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