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BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1997 Maybe Gravy Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dr. Albert - Pretty sick dude. He's been having, um, relations with a llama and experiments on them too. Get's two hooves through his chest.
  • Jug - Inbred country dude who always wanted to be a cripple. This is the director and producer by the way...
  • Toni - Very pretty city girl who gets caught up in this mess when she runs over Dr. Albert's lover (It's a llama...).
  • Gibby - Jug's brother, he's looking for a new brain. Looses the top of his skull.
  • Bock - Rock star on a comeback tour, gets electrocuted.
  • Janet, Bea, and Tiffany - Three girls who work at a fast food place, none survive the vicious llamas.
  • Stouker - Tobacco chewing tow truck driver, drinks llama - ugh - spooge and dies. (Long story and I'm NOT getting into it.)
  • Three bowling girls - Fodder.
  • The Blood Llamas - Genetic monsters who hate menstruating women. (Nope, not going to explain that either.)


The Plot: 

Now here is a BAD MOVIE. I'm not talking modern day bad as we know it, I'm talking about Ed Wood without any funding bad. I'm talking about lowering your IQ bad. Not only does this movie hop through plot points like a drunken wombat - it also jumps between color and B&W film. Despite Kevin West's evil goal (Of leaving us with NO CLUE where we are.) we do know what follows. Jug and Gibby run a llama farm called "The World of Wool" and Dr. Albert is working on some projects there. Blessie Sue (Albert's special chunk of wooly tuckus.) is struck by Toni so she ends up waiting at the farm for her car to be fixed. Bock is there getting treatments from Dr. Albert to cure a case of songwriter's block and Janet, Bea, and Tiffany all end up there to star in his new video. Unfortunately something happens (Tiffany's period) and the llamas go beserk! Plenty of often strange and disturbing ideas in this movie folks, not the least of which is Jug and Gibby's references to the latter's relations with their mother. (Ugh, ugh.) The funeral for Blessie Sue was pretty amusing, despite the painful "everyone wave to the casket floating by" scene. (Check out the casket though.) This film is like bad whiskey my friends, don't judge it on the first take - a second shot made it go down alot easier.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • It's always the animal lover who hits some poor llama with their car.
  • Making your "pa" sit in his wheelchair, in the bed of a pickup, wearing a chicken mask, and fishing (with rod and reel) out of dumpsters is wrong.
  • Priests tend to look like one of the "Blues Brothers."
  • People with crutches should not jump rope.
  • Llamas spit toxic cud which looks like silly string and will melt your face off.
  • Eyepatches include complimentary ping pong balls with an "8" painted on it.
  • Men shouldn't tell other men they're "tight as a drum."
  • Jagged can tops make handy throwing stars.
  • Your index finger has a major artery in it.
  • Baby llamas don't spit toxic cud, they spit fire for some reason.
  • Llamas can hold a knife and play the keyboard.
  • Representatives of the Dalai Lama give out brains.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 3 mins - Oh no! It really is "dubbed in English!" HELP! HEEEELLLPPP!
  • 4 mins - A man having sex with a fake llama butt?
  • 7 mins - Getting dizzy from scene and color shifts.
  • 10 mins - Hehehehe! That's a cell phone huh?
  • 20 mins - My goodness, a casket for a quadraped...
  • 24 mins - Um, is that supposed to be his penis or umbilical cord?
  • 33 mins - What did Gibby say? Oh um, thanks...
  • 39 mins - Hey breasts! But those aren't Toni's...
  • 50 mins - A decapitated head! No, it's a fake head, um wait...
  • 52 mins - Toni is having sex with a llama and it's wearing a condom? (Most of this is inferred.)
  • 54 mins - Llama buttermilk, I don't think so.
  • 60 mins - Gibby has GOT TO STOP TALKING ABOUT DOING HIS MOM.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note bloodllama1.wav Jug: "You having fun running over our local wildlife?"
Green Music Note bloodllama2.wav Dr. Albert: "You call yourself an animal lover? You don't know the meaning of the word. Maybe you should get a bumper sticker that reads 'Practice Random Acts of Violence and Senseless Cruelty!'"
Green Music Note bloodllama3.wav Toni: "Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?"
Green Music Note bloodllama4.wav Dalai Lama Rep: "When you ask for something as special as a brain even Buddha is going to give you the run around."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbloodllama1.mpg - .8m
PO'd llama!

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #9. Posted on October 12, 2000, 03:00:15 AM by
Damn I have never seen any movie this bad in my whole entire life. I swear. It's pretty amazing that anything so intentional in its badness still admirably succeeds.  Suddenly "Forbidden Zone" and even "Redneck Zombies" are friggin Scorcese.   We get plenty of (llama) booty shots along with the occasional (human) tit, which always goes "Sprooooiiinng."  It's beautiful, but might take a whole lotta Colt 45 and some Valium to sit through it....you've been warned....3 hours later my head still hurts.
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by anonymous
I like the "hoof through chest disease" scene, but why is that guy's chest made out of grapefruit chunks?
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #11. Posted on October 05, 2002, 10:41:34 PM by Alicia
This movie was so heinous, I could barely watch.  It was nearly impossible to understand, due to the editing, the graininess of the footage, and the awful dubbing. The asinine mayhem completely overshadowed the cool llama action.
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Dave:Blackeye15
I just watched the littie movie thingie or about half of it. It freaked me out! That's seen just scared the $#%^ out of me. I mean I was just waiting for the movie to finish loading first and then it just started playing before I was ready! I quickly paused it and just sat there for say 30 seconds breathing heavly. I kinda and don't kinda want to see this movie. (How'd they get a llama to move it's head and mouth like that I wonder.)

-the first rule of fat club-
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by trollificus
Amazing. I had posted a question on a forum about "Bad movie you had most enjoyed"...found your site to refresh my memory, and stayed for quite a while.

The scariest thing is that this video is available, and (how like a bad movie) my hand moved OF ITS OWN VOLITION towards my wallet. A little quick machete work saved my sanity, as I need to make a contribution to our webmasters' paypal link for "Booze and whores in Rio". (Not kidding) But I'll be back, and maybe contribute to the site by purchasing something.

Thanks. Good work, man.
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by trollificus
Fenris...'Barn of the Blood Llama website???? Ah, there's that last little shred of sanity, there on the floor next to my severed hand...
Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by elvisfest
The Official BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA website
has moved to-
http://www.laits.utexas.edu/klw/

You can also get info about LlamaVision's latest schlock project-
ROWDY ROUNDUP: Night Of The Killer Pinatas at
http://www.rowdyroundup.com

Remember: no animals (or pinatas) were harmed or pleasured during the making of these projects.
Re: Barn of the Blood Llama
Reply #16. Posted on January 14, 2008, 03:38:27 PM by norman bates
This movie is absolutely the worst movie I have ever sen in my entire life. It was THAT good. We have seen everthing from Microwave Massacre to Basketcase and everything in between but the this was the most bizarre thing. I was just shocked in all manner.
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