Candy B-Movie Review

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CANDY -

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 July 2005

The Characters:

Candy - Dumber than your stereotypical blonde. I swear that you can see the back of her skull through her eye sockets.
Mr. Christian - John Astin! This would be Candy's daddy, in more ways than one (yes, one of those movies).
MacPhisto - Richard Burton! Just what the world needs, a drunken pedophile spouting something not entirely unlike poetry.
Emmanuel - If you are going to cast one person as a Hispanic gardener, it should not be Ringo Starr
The Female Mexican Motorcycle Gang - Emmanuel's sisters, the Hell's Roman Catholic Angels.
Mr. Christian's Brother - Also a Mr. Christian and not a nice person. His wife's first name is a mystery.
BGen Smight - Walter Matthau! A career military officer in need of a serious USO fix. Presumed splattered across the landscape after he jumps from a plane sans parachute.
Dr. Krankheit - James Coburn! Brilliant neurosurgeon who demands attention, adulation, and devotion from his nursing staff.
Dr. Dunlap - John Huston! Hospital administrator who wants to "examine" Candy. This was probably the most jarring character for me. Imagine Gandalf and the Lawgiver lewdly pleading, almost to themselves, about their desire for a nubile patient.
The Hunchback - I am certain that Jeff Goldblum would play this part, if they were ever to shoot a remake (God forbid).
Grindl - Marlon Brando! A false Hindu mystic, which means you get to see the Godfather wrestling with his foot.

The Plot:

Are you folks ready for a journey? The road to Hell is two hours and one minute long; I could sure use the company.

I have to admit that this movie inspires an enormous feeling of loathing in me. While it is an amazing display of talented actors, the entertainment derived is from watching them totally debase themselves on screen. This movie is much like watching actors divulge themselves of their bowel contents into a transparent toilet. The memory is not getting any fresher, nor pleasant, so let us begin.

Accompanied by far-out music, Candy descends from space as a curtain of light. Upon reaching the ground, the shimmering special effect combines with cracked mud to become the empty eyed female protagonist. (Actually, I feel like the protagonist in this story, but so it goes.) Despite being a shard of Xenu, we next see the girl in a class taught by her father. I suppose that this all made sense in the 60's. Frankly, it hurts my head.

The school's students are all excited about a poet who has agreed to a reading in the building's small auditorium. In marches MacPhisto, accompanied by wind and a spotlight. The false poet spouts a few lines of drivel before retiring to his limousine. However, he makes sure to have Candy invited along for the ride. Once in the vehicle, the young girl tells MacPhisto where she lives, then listens as he drinks and banters through a mounting need (NEED!) for her body. Pulling the student onto the floor, the lascivious master of prose begins tearing at her. Scotch, or some other strong drink, begins pouring from a tap knocked open during the struggle. This is when the first really hideous visual comes up. The jenius (spelling intentional) who shot the scene decided to lay the actors on top of a sheet of glass, then get the action from underneath. The screenwriter pitches in to help make this truly memorable by having MacPhisto start yelling, "Need!" (with an echo effect) as he assaults Candy and licks alcohol off the floor of the gropemobile.

Egad, what did humanity do to deserve this movie?

The limousine finally arrives at Candy's house. With the help of the driver and her Hispanic gardener, she dumps MacPhisto's alcohol sodden body onto a couch in the basement. Due to a tiny problem with the language barrier, Emmanuel thinks that Candy wants to have sex. He throws her onto the pool table and starts going to town. Meanwhile, devoid of his object of lust, the poet pounces on a blonde mannequin and begins making love to the inanimate female form. Mr. Christian walks in on the scene.

On a personal note, what did I do to deserve this movie?

Having found his daughter with several inches of the gardener in her, Mr. Christian is more than a little upset. He decides to send her away to New York. Assisting with the packing and trip to the airport is his cad of a brother and, I surmise, the brother's wife. Emmanuel's sisters chase the family's car, because they are angry that Candy deflowered their innocent little brother. The three sisters are also members of a violent female motorcycle gang. Daddy gets brained by a metal ball on a chain, but the besieged white folk escape by jumping aboard a passing military aircraft.

The military plane is filled with Special Forces paratroopers. Led my BGen Smight, they constantly circle the globe, always at the ready to jump in and crush the Red Menace. Mr. Christian is dropped onto a stretcher for treatment. Horrifically, the audience is forced to watch as Walter Matthau maneuvers Candy into the cockpit and begins reenacting the Battle of the Bulge. Again, because people having sex always flail around, a button is pressed or a lever flipped and the paratroopers receive the automatic order to jump. When Smight notices his little fellas going out the door (I mean the paratroopers, Candy appears to be safe from having little right wing nutjobs), he plunges out as well. To make the statement complete, the plot called for the General's parachute to rip off as he dives through the hatch.

Ahhh-hahaha-hahahah! Haha-ha-ah-hahah!

Kill me.

Following all the previous events, Mr. Christian ends up on the operating table as Dr. Krankheit puts on a gruesome performance. The intent of the scene is murky, perhaps impeaching public broadcasting for displaying operations. The doctor shuffles across the floor, splattered with blood and acting like a crazed butcher. My own brain, having taken nearly an hour of punishment from this movie, could commiserate with the bruised tissue that was Mr. Christian's neurological center.

The operation is a complete success, allowing the doctor to throw a swanky party in the recovery room. One major oddity is the NEMA 5-15R plug on the back of Mr. Christian's head. The outlet is plugged into a light display that harmlessly dissipates the surplus electrical current in his battered brain. It also serves as a handy power source for the scoundrel brother. Mr. Christian #2 removes the light display to plug in a small radio that starts blaring "Magic Carpet Ride." He then drags Candy into the same bed as her comatose father and, you got it, starts taking advantage of her. Daddy is pushed out of the bed as things progress. Unfortunately, the clock radio is also unplugged from his head, which means that he will suffer brain damage.

Okay, before this is finished, Dr. Dunlap berates Candy for nearly making little inbreeds, Dr. Krankheit gives her a hot beef injection, Daddy disappears, and Candy is chased through the hospital by an escaped mental patient and a jealous nurse. She has a small adventure on the streets of New York, including running afoul of mobsters, an avant-garde filmmaker, and a hunchback and his gang of thieves. The final result of all this is that she ends up in a police car; this allows the tough Sergeant to start feeling her up. The patrol car crashes into a club full of drag queens, which gets the police jumped (in more ways than one).

The whole police and drag queen scene went way over the line. I think that this movie is bad. It should be stopped.

Stay with me folks, we are in the final stretch.

Candy escapes from New York in the back of a semi trailer. The inside has been modified, with a suspended pedestal and pool of water, to help Grindl achieve Nirvana. He seizes on the confused maiden as a soul in need of assistance. After throwing Candy's shoes out the back door, the sham of man goes looking for her "center of breath." It is, shall we say, somewhere private. Following that discovery, the two engage in tantric sex for several days. The marathon meat grinder session sees them buried in snow (the trailer has a sunroof) before reaching the border with Mexico. Grindl appears to be dying of the common cold, but Candy is no worse for the wear. I think that she is too stupid to die. They were both nearly naked and exposed to the elements for a long time. Why are they still alive? Die! Die damn you!

The NYC policemen are inspecting vehicles at the border. Upon spotting Candy, they give chase across the desert. The young woman is on foot, the police are in their patrol car. The ultimate result seems a given until the spirit of Burning Man intervenes, leaving Candy to wander aimlessly through the desert. Note: this is not a change of Candy's modus operandi, merely a change of scenery.

Among the scrub of the desert Candy meets a silent figure. (It is, unfortunately, not Macho Man Randy Savage. I can sweetly imagine him body slamming her so that those vacant eyes roll back in her empty head. Yeah brother!) The man is covered with dried mud and dressed in simple robes. She follows the mysterious stranger into a subterranean passage that leads all the way to Los Angeles; I think it is LA. Anyway, there she beholds an underground temple lit with candles. The ancient edifice crashes down around her and her partner. Following the destruction, Candy finds herself, yet again, on the receiving end of whatever strange affliction the scriptwriter had with sex. She does seem to enjoy the act, at least until the water trickles down and washes the mud from her partner's face. Oh no! Daddy! (He also shorts out, from the outlet on the back of his head.)

That about sums it up. Folks, go home and hug your wife, husband, children, parents - whatever, so long as it is legal. Tell them that you love them very much. And never, ever mention this movie. Good night.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

There are a large number of tiny stars in close proximity to Earth.
A poet's hair is always in motion.
"The Wave" was originally invented to accurately count troops.
Incest: n, the act of giving blood to a near relative.
Brain surgery is more entertaining than opera.
Doctors like to brand their women.
Hunchbacks may not be able to play the piano, but they pound a mean blonde.
Women breathe through their... ...ah... ...well, I mean their... ...now, how do I say this without being crass?
The sacred bird of India is a toucan.
Eternity is waiting for a dumb blonde to walk across a field.

Stuff To Watch For:

8 mins - Somebody, please make this scene go away.
15 mins - The sad thing is that he did not encounter a tribe of cannibals at some point.
24 mins - Who is kissing the dummy? (I mean it is hard to tell the difference between Candy and the mannequin.)
38 mins - Ah, the famous manual of arms of the Bent Bayonet Brigade.
51 mins - That would put him on par with his daughter.
53 mins - "Did he play the piano? Yes? He will need to learn that again."
58 mins - I feel like that guy, about this movie.
72 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BUCKET!
102 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
117 mins - Just in case you missed the hammer-fisted message the first time around.

Quotes:

Dr. Dunlap: "I will not have it turned into a bordello by you or any other social outcast. In my book you are a tart, a tramp, a trollop, a...teenager."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	candy1.wav	MacPhisto: "The poem that I just recited to you was composed in a hospital in Burma as I lay close to death, having been savagely beaten by a...a horde of outraged Belgian tourists."
	candy2.wav	Emmanuel: "Oh, no inside. I no think Mr. Christian would like that." Candy: "Emmanuel, I don't care about that. I need you now!" Emmanuel: "You need Emmanuel?" Candy: "Yes, now." Emmanuel: "Oh, but Emmanuel is good boy!"
	candy3.wav	BGen Smight reports in.
	candy4.wav	Dr. Krankheit: "Good God, Harris, watch what you're doing! You're a brain surgeon, not a gynecologist."

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	candy1.mpg - 2.4m
	Here is the scene with MacPhisto licking liquor off the clear floor of his limousine. Notice the special attention paid to the sound effects. Enjoy the unique camera angle. Thrill to Ringo Starr as the Hispanic gardener. This film was made by special people. Bastards.