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CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1987 Film Australia
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 9 December 2001

The Characters:  

  • Cane Toads - Enormous amphibians (oh no, it's Toadzilla!) that were imported to Australia. They are big, ugly, horny, and secrete a deadly poison.
  • Dr. Kerr - One of the men who, back in 1932, thought the cane toad would solve Australia's sugar cane pest problem. He was wrong, but goes on merrily collecting his pension while the poisonous toads muck up the continent's ecosystem.
  • Dr. Ingram - Herpetologist with way too much practice at mimicking the mating call of a male cane toad.
  • Dr. Archer - A specialist in the study of small rodents. He carries a grudge against the warty invaders ever since his marsupial native cat gnawed on one and subsequently died. Here's toad juice in your eye.
  • Syd - Police detective involved in the prosecution of drug users. Lick the toad and get five years mate.
  • Paul - Listening to him describing how amorous cane toads strangled his goldfish would be bad enough, his extreme speech impediment (he stutters, really bad) just makes the testimony a test of human endurance.
  • David and Elvie - Two weirdoes who love the confounded little monsters, even waxing sentimental while talking about them.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

"Cane Toads" is a strange documentary about yet another animal that humans have introduced to Australia. As with many of the others, it is doing a fine job of breeding out of control. The fact that it appears here at Badmovies.org should clue you in to the work's eccentric nature. Part of this can be blamed on the cane toads themselves (you will read why shortly) and the rest on some weird people armed with film equipment. Add a soundtrack with music reminiscent of a low budget horror movie at times, then suddenly shifting gears into "The Cane Toad Blues." Now you see why this naturalist romp makes me giggle.

During the late 20's and early 30's, Australia's sugar industry had a big problem: the cane beetle. Apparently this insect spends its early life as a grub chewing on sugar cane roots, then develops into a beetle that also burrows. To combat this pest the Australians imported one hundred and two cane toads (Bufo marinus). Since the beetles are either flying or underground, they seldom fall victim to a hungry cane toad. The amphibians, finding themselves out of work and with nothing else to do, started making little toads.

A reoccurring theme is the cane toad's single-minded determination to propagate the species. Dr. Ingram was kind enough to describe amplexus, the process of their mating, in sordid detail. He even had a boy and girl toad for demonstration purposes, but they seemed a little shy when under pressure. In the wild though - look out! A female toad can lay tens of thousands of eggs every year and some lucky fellow is going to fertilize as many as he can. Tens of thousands! I get blue ba... ...er, tired, just thinking about it.

Cut to another scene of a scientist motoring down a country road while the radio blares "I Want Candy." He suddenly stops and gets out of the car, staring in sick astonishment at yet another cane toad mating spectacle. A male toad, atop a female, is trying to make more baby toads. Forget the fact that he is conducting business in the middle of the road; Mrs. Toad is roadkill! I don't mean just dead, either; the female was mashed quite flat and had been dead several hours! The human voyeur's face was priceless. Printing "What in the bloody hell?" on his forehead with a permanent marker would have been a waste.

Following that eye opener, I made a promise to Katie that, should I ever find her dead in the road, I would not attempt coitus. She seemed relieved.

"Frogger" jokes are hard to avoid during this movie. The fact that cane toads are often casualties while crossing roadways comes as no surprise, but the director made certain to include numerous shots from a toad's point of view. Hop, hop, hop... ...you get the idea. Then there is one bloke who describes, in detail, the art of running over cane toads with his van. Watch in amazement as it roars down the road, swerving from one side to the other, popping toads all the way. The toads tend to puff up when threatened and being crushed under the tire makes them sound like a balloon popping.

The other defense mechanism that the cane toad has is a very effective poison. Glands above their shoulders will spray deadly venom up to one meter when then toad is given a hard squeeze. This is the real problem with the imported monsters. They kill anything that eats them. Dogs, snakes, birds, etc. - all dead within minutes of getting a mouthful of poison. Dr. Archer learned the hard way that you should wear goggles when thumping a toad. This poison is what gave some people the idea of killing a toad, boiling it, and drinking the water to induce something like an LSD trip. Guess who the authorities attribute with inventing toad toking? Hippies, go figure...

To counterbalance people who hate the imported amphibian, there are several interviews with cane toad boosters. Mostly these are old folks in command of dubious mental capacity. The one geezer, clad in his shorts and wife-beater, was almost in tears expressing his love for the lowly cane toad. Maybe it is time for a couple of state-funded rest homes in Australia. Of course, then you would still need to do something about the government officials who wanted to commission a one-meter cane toad statue for the town square.

I cannot finish this article without talking about what is the single most disturbing part of the documentary. We are informed that cane toads are not particular about their diet. Considering the fact that they are extremely large (an adult's body can be more than six inches in length), the beasts eat whatever fits down their gullets. Well, at one point they filmed a toad eating a mouse. Not some sort of pygmy Australian species either, but a regular white lab mouse! You can even see the doomed rodent struggling, trying desperately to escape, but the cane toad gulps it down. Ahhhhh! I still cannot believe that it ate the freaking mouse!

Shaken by the mouse's demise, I began imagining a movie in which giant cane toads (say a few hundred pounds) threaten a small town. Would they swallow humans whole? Even worse, considering their ardent nature, what if the movie's name was "Night of the Amplexus." Egad.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There is a good reason that men have stronger arms than women.
  • Impersonating an animal that is known for trying to hop across busy roads is liable to get one tossed in the loony bin.
  • Using a pickaxe to kill a toad is a little much.
  • Drug users constantly listen to sitar music.
  • Little girls will happily substitute a big, ugly toad for a doll.
  • Germans are some sort of bipedal amphibian.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 4 mins - Hobo toads!
  • 5 mins - Horny toads!
  • 13 mins - For once I have to agree with the cane toads. Stop singing dude, right now.
  • 21 mins - Can you say "form letter?" Good! I knew you could!
  • 24 mins - Oh, that's Edgar...
  • 36 mins - I am going to send that man five dollars so that he can buy a new hat.
  • 38 mins - Ping-pong balls? By the way: love the sound effect here.
  • 39 mins - Oh my God! It just swallowed the mouse!
  • 45 mins - Toad, I do not think that you are large enough to eat a pigeon, but more power to you.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note canetoads1.wav People giving some personal feelings about cane toads.
Green Music Note canetoads2.wav Dr. Ingram: "When one species of cane beetle is in the cane fields, it just doesn't come in contact with the ground and we know that cane toads can't fly."
Green Music Note canetoads3.wav Scientist: "There, you can see the venom shoot out. Did ya? There are numerous pores over those glands there. Under pressure, that toxic material will shoot for about a meter."
Green Music Note canetoads4.wav Paul: "The cane, c-c-c-cane toads attack t-t-the goldfish in the pond. A-a-a-as they swim around i-i-in the water..." Oh, skip it! He's giving me a stuttering problem just listening to him over and over, trying to t-t-t-type this out.
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipcanetoads1.mpg - 1.9m
TOADS: 1 MICE: -1

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #33. Posted on March 27, 2007, 07:58:34 PM by Andrew
I saw this thing on Yahoo News as well.  That is a fig bucking toad.  One has to wonder how long it will take for SciFi to put out a movie about huge cane toads eating a bunch of annoying teenagers on spring break in Australia.
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #34. Posted on March 29, 2007, 03:02:21 PM by Flangepart
Just where do you get this bad boy? I sure don't think Blockbuster would have a clue.

Andrew : For God's sake, don't give them creeps any ideas! Let the Tremors team do it....then i'll want to see dat!
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #35. Posted on November 17, 2007, 10:56:30 PM by Noel Kempf
Lived a few misspent years of my youth in Tully; memories of mashing cane toads in the church yard next door.  Got in great trouble later for the stink of death!  Will have to share the film with my brothers over the holidays. Twirling
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #36. Posted on January 29, 2008, 11:41:39 PM by Giant Claw Jr
Its too bad someone dont make a document about when they brought STARLINGS into america
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #37. Posted on March 15, 2008, 03:18:27 PM by Giant Claw Jr
Look what happens when you import one creature from one country to another you make a awful ducumentry
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #38. Posted on April 23, 2008, 06:42:17 PM by MNY
The fact that my professor before starting the movie said, "this movie selection is highly recommended stoned" told me right away this movie was ridiculous...
My fav. part is the old man getting emotional about them as friends, and the old lady looking up to the ceiling to gather herself before talking about her bond with her "mates", the Cane Toads.
 Thumbup

I wish I remembered the name of another movie I saw in my Biological Invasions course...it's a Matrix vibe about invasive species where this girl travels back to when animal and plant life existed...because she is the only one in society who can see life other than their underground bunker in her dreams...she meets a black ecologist man and decides to throw the traveling glass away and live forever in the past...
It's some University movie that won awards...if ANYONE knows the name of it please let me know!
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #39. Posted on May 08, 2008, 07:48:23 AM by Cane Toad Rocker
~Cane toads are comin', cain toads are comin',
Main roads are buzzin' with the cane toad blues!~

This movie was badass.
Re: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History
Reply #40. Posted on May 14, 2008, 12:58:15 PM by HarlotBug3
Saw this more than a decade ago...will never forget little girl playing with the toad like a doll.

We had significantly smaller toads as science class pets who would only pee rather than poison anyone, but who were also quite the little lovers. The act would actually trigger a series of quick high-pitched chirps from the toads, a look of disbelief almost too stunning for laughter from the students.



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