Deathstalker B-Movie Review

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DEATHSTALKER - 3 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 January 2008 (updated)

The Characters:

Deathstalker - Deadly fighter and all-around warrior hero who likes to force himself upon women. He also thinks that dog is "the other white meat."
Kaira - Lana Clarkson! Her ideal bra is all support, no coverage.
Princess Codille - Top-heavy maiden in distress who is missing most of her dress.
Salmaron - Old guy who was transformed into a goblin; Deathstalker breaks the spell and turns him back into a man. So, he is a man once again, but still ugly.
Oghris - This warrior looks like Scott Baio, only with muscles and a bare midriff.
Toralva - A witch who might have been Deathstalker's favorite aunt, or something of that sort. She is burned alive (witches have to put up with that sort of thing all the time).
Numerous aspiring actresses with ample bosoms - Where do you think all of the breast shots came from?
Pig Warrior - A hideous champion of evil. He is the reason that I think the original term for attempting to squeeze someone to death was referred to as a "boar hug."
Munkar - The evil wizard. Why is he evil? Well, he is bald, wears dark clothing, and has a tattoo of a crinoid on the side of his face. Personally, I think that Munkar should have dropped the whole evil angle and marketed his own brand of coffee. Tell me you would not want to start the day with a steaming cup of Munkar's Mountain Blend.
Howard - Munkar's pet hand puppet which lives in a box and subsists on a diet of eyes and fingers (it sucks to be a peasant in an evil kingdom).

The Plot:

This is one of those sword and sorcery flicks that, as a teenager, defined my taste in films. The acting is barely acceptable, and the plot is threadbare, but the movie is filled with gratuitous violence, unorthodox characters, and lots of bare bosoms. In one scene a huge fighter with an equally gigantic mallet pounds another man into human mush, then the movie abruptly changes gears and unfettered hooters take center stage. It is like my psyche is stuck in a town with two attractions, the Bare Boobie Bar and the Hack 'n' Slash Tavern. My id spends its entire day rushing back and forth across town, gorging itself at each establishment.

Deathstalker is hardly what I would call a role model. He lives his life as a murderer (granted, a murderer of murderers) and a thief, and he has a tendency to force himself upon any woman he can lay his hands on. When the deposed king offers Deathstalker an opportunity to prove himself an honorable warrior by saving the princess from Munkar, our hero outright refuses. Not only does Deathstalker say no to the quest, he eats part of the king's dog!

I am curious why the king picked Deathstalker to save the imperiled princess. "My daughter has been captured by Munkar. Please, save her from him, but I want you to return her to me whole and untouched. Whole and untouched! Do you understand?"

Even though he turned down the hanky-pankyless princess reclamation offer, Deathstalker finds that he cannot escape his destiny (or, at the very least, the script). In short order the protagonist saves Toralva from Munkar's forces, recovers a sword that is one of the three powers of creation, and urges his horse on to Munkar's fortress. The evil tyrant is hosting a tournament to choose a successor to his throne. That is what he says that he is doing. What Munkar really wants is for the greatest warriors in the land to kill each other off, so that only one of them is left for the sorcerer to kill himself. Munkar has no immediate plan to abdicate his throne.

You are probably wondering about the other two powers of creation, the amulet and chalice. Munkar has them.

During the short journey to the tournament, Deathstalker picks up a couple of friends. Salmaron comes with the sword as some sort of special introductory offer ("call within the next fifteen minutes and not only will you receive this limited edition Sword of Creation, but we will throw in an unwashed vassal completely free"), Oghris tags along since he is a mole planted by Munkar, and Kaira joins the party because she has been looking high and low for a warrior who is man enough to take her against her will. Well, Deathstalker is that man.

The great thing about tourneys is the feasting that goes on before, during, and after the competition. Munkar's extravagant soiree is a grand event with wine, mud wrestling, and women (and mud wrestling women). Things get out of hand after the evil magician chains Princess Codille to an altar, but Deathstalker marshals his theme music and rescues the frightened girl before the remainder of her clothes can be torn from her body. As the hero attempts to carry off the Princess, and probably force himself upon her, Munkar intervenes. Deathstalker just wants a little royal concubine nookie, so Munkar says, "OK, but you have to wait until later." Then it's back to the brawl!

Now, Munkar has no intention of letting Deathstalker despoil Codille. The wicked ruler is reserving that honor for himself. Instead, Munkar changes one of his henchmen into a perfect likeness of the Princess and sends the magically bent gender to Deathstalker's room as a Trojan Horse. As expected, Deathstalker grabs the faux Princess and makes like a pirate with the unlawful taking of the booty. Fortunately, Princess Used-To-Be-He-Ra makes a very unladylike sound that causes Deathstalker to stop trying to put his into hers.

By the way, if you magically turn a man into a woman, the first place his (well, her) hands will go is to her (used to be his) newly deflated groin. The next place his (now her) hands will go is to her (previously his) newly fulfilled chest. We do not know where the hands should go next, because once his (presently her) hands get to the breasts, they stay there.

The henchman flees Deathstalker's room and runs smack into Kaira. He changes back into himself, but not before he uses the element of surprise that was gained by appearing to be the Princess to stab the female warrior. The henchman and Kaira duel for a while; she kills him of course. Then Kaira stumbles down the passageway and softly murmurs, "Deathstalker." The hero hears her call for help, though all he can do is to hold the busty blonde barbarian beauty as she dies in his arms.

Deathstalker has an advanced case of selective hearing. Kaira and Munkar's toad crossed swords for a while before the female warrior dispatched her opponent. During that whole exchange it appears that the title character never heard a thing. However, the moment she whispers his name he comes a runnin'.

The tournament continues, and Deathstalker slashes his way closer to winning. Who in their right mind would take on a warrior named "Deathstalker" in the first place? Any gladiator worth their salt would ask their manager, "So, what is my next opponent's name?" After hearing their manager reply, "Deathstalker," I can imagine the brave pit fighter doing a double take before saying, "Um, gotta go. My hut is on fire." I wouldn't blame the guy. It is a scary name. I don't want to fight a guy whose name (first, last, or middle) is "Deathstalker." All that I am saying is that grandiose names scare me. Obviously, some of them are false bravado, such as "Ergo the Magnificent." Who could ever be scared of a name like "Ergo?" It starts with an "E" for crying out loud.

Bereft of his barbarian queen, deprived of opportunities for forcible entry into nubile princesses, and betrayed by Oghris, Deathstalker faces his final opponent in the tournament. He takes on the Pig, and brings home the bacon. Once that is done it is a simple matter to defeat Munkar and destroy the three forces of creation. Unfortunately, Deathstalker's success means that he is out of a job. There is not much else for a blonde, heroic, 1980's-style barbarian to do in a movie after the villain is dead and the magical sword destroyed. I guess that the film could have shown us Deathstalker grabbing Princess Codille and forcing himself upon her, just to bring the story to a fitting end.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Hirst Arts molds are available in 25mm and 1828mm scale sizes.
The medieval version of rock-paper-scissors was chainmail-dirk-ogre. Dirk beat chainmail, while ogre beat whatever it wanted to beat.
There is a time for fencing and a time for fondling.
In the days of yore, breasts were a lot bigger, bras were a lot smaller, and men were a lot happier.
If you throw two girls into a mud pit they will immediately attack each other.
Chessex used to sell home decorating kits.
"Flaming esophagus" is just another way of saying "wall sconce."
Falling into a harem is always a good thing.
You can break a man's neck by turning it ten degrees to the left.
Never use a sword to apply underarm deodorant.

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - Are they a tribe of bowlegged trolls, or the next wave of the British Invasion?
6 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
10 mins - You...uh...lost your peasant there.
17 mins - That has got to be the biggest, meanest, and ugliest Amish guy that I have ever seen.
25 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
28 mins - See, that is just plain mean...
31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS MUD-COVERED BREASTS SHOT!
38 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
41 mins - People often wake up confused and hung over after Mother Goose's annual banquet and orgy.
45 mins - Please stop. I know, the audience knows, but you don't know that you are kissing a man. Oh no, not that! Don't force yourself on her/him/it...
57 mins - "I am twice the '80s barbarian that you could ever be!"
65 mins - What are you looking for? Someone who can give you a refill for your prescription-strength bottle of chest oil, perhaps? The apothecary is the third wooden door on the left.
70 mins - It's a Munkar convention!

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	deathstalker1.wav	Deathstalker: "Get any poorer and you're going to have to eat that dog." Dog: GROWL Deposed King: "I hope it'll be as tasty as the one you're enjoying." Deathstalker: "Real kings live in castles, like Lord Munkar." Deposed King: "Munkar was my magician. That castle was mine, and will be again." Deathstalker: "It is said that once an entire army marched against him, a real army. Munkar waved his hand and turned the whole army into a flock of sheep."
	deathstalker2.wav	Toralva: "Go! Reunite the three powers!" Deathstalker: "And after they are together?" Toralva: "You can do anything. You will be the power!"
	deathstalker3.wav	Munkar: "Were you planning to take her with you?" Deathstalker: (carrying Codille) "For the night, anyway." Munkar: "She is mine you know, but I think she fancies you. I'll have her sent to your chamber when the excitement is over." Celebratory brawl resumes
	deathstalker4.wav	Munkar: "I trust you're comfortable?" Oghris: "I am not, and this is no way to treat the man who brought you Deathstalker."
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	deathstalker1.mpg - 5.2m
	See, this is what I mean about taking on a warrior named "Deathstalker."