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FEAST - 3 Slimes
Unrated
Copyright 2006 The Weinstein Company
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 January 2007

The Characters:  

  • Tuffy (AKA Heroine #2) - Currently looking for a new daddy and a new baby (she already has a good lead on the latter).
  • Bozo & Hot Wheels - These two brothers are perfectly willing to inflict major verbal or minor physical abuse on each other, but stop short of wishing a bloody death on their sibling. Sounds normal to me.
  • Heroine - I think that she dealt with her husband's demise rather well. Shot, falls out a window, and munched.
  • Coach - Annoying motivational speakers must die.
  • Honey Pie - I was pleased that I avoided cracking a "dizzy blonde" joke until the very end.
  • Beer Guy - This guy has the worst day of his miserable life. It ends when a monster smashes his skull.
  • Harley Mom - She looks tough, but remove one leg below the knee and duct tape her to a travois and she is easy monster pickings.
  • Jason Mewes, Vet, Tuffy's Son, & Hero - Nothing establishes the fact that monsters are a real menace like a plethora of victims. Maybe "Hero" should be preceded by "temporary."
  • Boss Man - Toby Keith? Well, he is dead, anyway.
  • Grandma & Bartender - More fodder, but they hang on for quite a while. I was sorry to see the bartender go.
  • The Monsters - Fearsome demons that can reproduce instantly. They are tough to kill, except that their heads come off easily. I have no idea what they are or where they came from; take your pick of possible explanations.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Any number of modern direct-to-video and low budget productions suffer from being too self aware. The writers or directors know what they are making. To prove this, they include some form of acknowledgement, whether it is an exchange between two characters or a prominent b-movie poster in the background. Most of the time, I would prefer it if the film makers went ahead and made their movie without worrying about some Internet critic claiming, "These people did not know they were in a b-movie!" In the case of "Feast," they found a creative and entertaining way to introduce the cast and play with the genre. Each character is shown for a few moments, before the scene freezes and a description is displayed at the bottom of the screen. Not only are these insightful, some are drop dead funny. The life expectancy for the Hero caused to me laugh and skip backwards to see it again.

The setting is a dusty bar along a lonely stretch of desert highway. It looks like any other night in the place, with unhappy regulars and unhappy passers-through struggling to suppress enough of their normal anti-social behaviors to get along. That is, until the Hero bursts in the door. His sudden appearance, covered in blood and holding a shotgun, startles the Bartender enough to brandish The Judge (double-barrel shotguns deserve a fitting nickname). Without blinking an eye, the Hero tells them that he is not a threat, what is headed toward the bar is the real danger. To make his point, the Hero drops a monster's head onto the bar. Nothing grabs people's attention like a maw full of nasty teeth.

Hero grabs a beer and moves over near a window to look for the other demons. Now, hanging out near a window is always a no-no in movies like this, but the hero or other important characters can usually get away with it. This guy does not. The window bursts in and something pulls Hero partially outside. When his body slumps to the floor, his head is missing. Actually, this first attack scene turns into complete pandemonium for several minutes. Everyone is freaking out, Heroine bursts in looking for her husband (ah, that would be the headless corpse on the floor), a small monster gets loose in the bar, and an accidental discharge puts a hole in the ceiling and Boss Man's foot (he was upstairs, with Tuffy). Believe it or not, that is not everything that happens during the five minutes of chaos. Jason Mewes loses his face, Harley Mom loses her leg below the knee, and Vet has a hole clawed through his chest.

Oh, and the phone is blasted to smithereens. Welcome to Anarchy, TX. Population: fifte...twelve.

Soon as you think it is safe to breathe again, Tuffy remembers that her son is alone upstairs. She runs up there and panics until she finds him. Unfortunately, she passes too close to an open window on her way out of the room. The boy is ripped from Tuffy's embrace and quickly gobbled by one of the creatures. Beer Guy stands in the door, horrified. Not satisfied with traumatizing the single mom (well, she was a single mom), the monster douses Beer Guy with a pressurized stream of vomit that looks to be mostly stomach acid with a sprinkling of maggots. Then, as the miserable human scrambles to his feet, the monster does it again.

If someone had once told me that I would laugh at seeing a Beer Guy sprayed by several gallons of liquefied ten-year-old, I probably would not have believed them. Young people think they know it all.

The Heroine takes charge of the situation and motivates the other characters to barricade the doors and windows. The bodies are gathered up and put in the basement. The Heroine also settles down Beer Guy when he freaks out. No, she does not talk to him; when the hysterical man tries to push past her, she executes a respectable shoulder throw and holds a knife against his throat until he finally chills out.

With the bar secure, the group's attention turns to the little monster. It was captured inside a small cooler during the fracas, but is now growing impatient. Boss Man thinks that he solves the problem with his revolver. Nope, the mean pygmy grabs his leg through a hole in the side. At this point, Tuffy grabs The Judge and turns baby monster into corned beef hash. The dead creature gives Coach an idea. Maybe, if the humans can prove that they are not easy prey, the monsters will leave them alone. He picks up the carcass and shoves it out a window. An adult monster inspects the dead baby, then eats it. What the heck? How much does it take for these things to be full? Anyway, the trapped patrons watch with no small amount of sick interest as two of the demons outside have sex (and set off a car alarm doing it). The female monster gives birth to twins within seconds. Geez, that was so fast that it made instant oatmeal look slow.

Remember Beer Guy? While all of this occurs, the poor guy has been suffering some ill effects from being exposed to unknown digestive fluids. His hair is coming out in clumps and his skin develops a pasty look. The idiot makes a stupid mistake by looking out through a hole in the boards covering a window. One of the new little monsters rips out his eye in a scene that goes on for an agonizingly long time. The new injury also sprays Honey Pie with blood, again (she was pretty well soaked earlier).

I mentioned earlier about the phone being destroyed. In order to summon help, because cell phones get no service in the bar, Boss Man volunteers that he has a short wave radio in his room. Why is the only key or communications device somewhere that the monster can also be lurking? Bozo goes upstairs to find the radio and place a distress call. He manages to scream into the microphone for a few seconds before the radio is ripped away. With a monster close behind, the young man makes a wild dash for the hallway. The others were waiting outside the room and slam the door shut just in time. Disastrously, for the pursuing demon's sex life, its tallywacker and bits are caught by the closing door. Heroine seizes the opportunity to geld the monster with a handy machete. OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Realizing that somehow, somebody needs to escape and find help, the surviving humans hatch a plan. They will rig one of the bodies with makeshift explosives (aerosol cans, flammable liquor, etc.) and offer it to the monsters as bait. While the creatures are distracted, Coach and the Heroine will climb out a basement window and bring Boss Man's truck to the door. Not too bad of a plan, as these things go. They even pick a good "corpse" to be the bait, because Harley Mom Bomb has a certain ring to it. Where it all goes wrong is that Harley Mom is not dead. She wakes up as Bozo and Boss Man are moving her toward an open window on the second story. A short struggle over ethics ensues, which is interrupted by the two little beasts snatching the unlucky woman out of the window. Quite helpless from all the duct tape, she finds herself dragged away from the building. Considering what the little devils are doing to her, Harley Mom is probably thankful when the bombs go off.

Coach and Heroine did not manage to reach the truck. She attempts to reenter the building through the same window that Harley Mom exited, but startles Bozo. What usually happens in these situations is the secondary character discharges their firearm and puts a hole in the window frame mere inches from the heroine's head. Not so in this case. Bozo shoots her in the chest, looking on in stunned disbelief (and she looks back) as the Heroine falls backwards and tumbles to the ground below. The monsters hear their dinner bell and come running. We next see Coach when the demons start their last assault on the bar. The fiends use him as a battering ram to crack open the front door. It is time for the final bloody confrontation between human and monster. Watch as Tuffy goes ape crazy beating one monster in the face with the butt of the shotgun.

The monster design was plenty vicious looking, with their mouthful of needle-like teeth and sinewy bodies. However, in some ways, it was a letdown from my first impressions. Except for the head brought in by the Hero, the monsters are covered in layers of rotting animal hides and bones. They appear to be misshapen creatures, with the same mass as a cow or some other big animal. Tuffy's son being swallowed whole by a monster like that makes some sort of sense, not entirely true when they are gaunt bipeds. To be honest, the monsters are presented unevenly. An immature specimen cleanly severs Harley Mom's leg, while an adult is unable to punch through the cheap plywood shutters over a window.

I have to wonder what caused the writers to subject the Beer Guy to everything they did. He was so miserable that, several times, I begged for the script to show him mercy. Well, that or a quick death.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Never play pool against someone who is wet or greasy.
  • It is possible to miss with a double-barrel shotgun at close range.
  • Foosball tables make handy barricades.
  • The human eyeball is anchored to the skull by two feet of tendon.
  • Remember, there is a reason nobody ever tries the old "foot in the door" trick with their genitals.
  • When all else fails, use duct tape and scissors.
  • Never lay on the floor, even if the creatures are not huge worms.
  • All-night bars should be constructed of rebar-reinforced concrete, with steel shutters, redundant communications equipment, backup power, and extensive medical supplies. Patrons should BYOSG (bring your own shotgun).

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - Say hello to tomorrow's hamburger.
  • 9 mins - Kid, you get gypped.
  • 21 mins - Well, now you have a few extra years to save money for your child's college tuition.
  • 42 mins - There is a mime joke hiding from me in plain sight.
  • 44 mins - No weapon? Not even a broken bottle? Never mind, he has "The Judge."
  • 49 mins - Ouch.
  • 60 mins - You are hating it.
  • 69 mins - That is quite the inspirational battering ram.
  • 77 mins - Knocking the monster's teeth out so she can shove her entire arm down its throat and choke it to death, before pulling out a handful of gizzards = Tuffy working out some issues concerning her ex?

Quotes: 

  • Hero: "Listen to me. A storm of Hell's coming down on this place any second."
  • Boss Man: "I don't care! Go suffer somewhere else!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note feast1.wav Coach: "But what we need to do is think outside the box. We don't need to fight them. We need to scare them. We need to scare them back. This is a species standoff."
Green Music Note feast2.wav (Monster roar and munching sounds.)
Beer Guy: "Holy shit, she ate it. She didn't even chew, man, she just swallowed it."
Green Music Note feast3.wav Bozo: "Who else is coming?"
Grandma: "I'll go with ya."
Bozo: "What are you going to do, throw your teeth at 'em? Just, sit down, cocoon."
Green Music Note feast4.wav Hot Wheels: "Well, they want to eat us, right?"
Heroine: "Yeah."
Hot Wheels: "Let's give 'em something to eat."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipfeast1.mpg - 3.1m
Tuffy's son is pulled from her arms and swallowed whole, then several gallons of liquefied ten-year-old and digestive juices are projectile vomited at Beer Guy. It is always funnier the second time.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3
Re: Feast
Reply #9. Posted on January 25, 2007, 02:12:51 PM by trekgeezer
The film was made for Dimension and got tied up in the wrangling when the Weinstein brothers left Miramax.
Re: Feast
Reply #10. Posted on January 31, 2007, 11:25:15 PM by Torgo
I borrowed Feast the other night from a friend and watched it for the 2nd time and enjoyed it a whole lot more.

The shaky camera stuff didn't annoy me nearly as much upon the subsequent viewing.
Re: Feast
Reply #11. Posted on February 12, 2007, 09:57:33 PM by Five0two
n00b here, but have been checking out reviews for quite awhile.

I went out and bought this movie solely on the strength of the review here, and I was not disappointed.
This movie is fantastic! The scare parts were all well and good, but it was funny as hell, too.
Even better, it seemed to me as if the hilarious parts were quite deliberate on the part of the filmmakers.
Intentionally funny in a horror movie can sometimes be just as good as unintentionally  BounceGiggle
Along with some of the influences that BoyScoutKevin listed above, I immediately noticed another:
"Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki" (Also spelled "Ricky", as in Andrew's review here.)
Anyone who's seen that movie will know what I'm talking about, and if you haven't seen it, you simply
owe it to yourself to track this one down. Completely insane over-the-top kung-fu violence.

Anywho, that's what I have to say about "Feast"  TeddyR
Re: Feast
Reply #12. Posted on March 31, 2007, 11:23:18 AM by Panic_Attack
Hahaha. Great review Andrew. Beer Guy had a bad time of it sure, but I think Harley Mom had the worst death imagineable. LOL! Her death scene was a huge topic of conversation for at least a week at my workplace, and was probably the main reason that any of my co-workers really wanted to watch "Feast."

I rented it the other night. Coughing up monster spunk while being blown to smithereens by a makeshift explosive I'm tied to is not high on my list of ways I'd want to go...but I think Beer Guy had the worst.
Re: Feast
Reply #13. Posted on December 07, 2007, 09:06:51 PM by Patient Zero
Feast is one of those movies that actually gets better every time you watch it, much like Hot Fuzz. There are always little details to catch that make it much more entertaining upon a second viewing.
At first, I was annoyed by the fact that no explanation was given for the monster's existence, which I percieved as lazy writing. Upon further pondering, it actually makes sense that the cratures' origin is left up to the viewer. Think about it, if you were trapped in the bar with strange beasts trying to break in, you're not going to want to know where they came from (and even if you did, there'd be no way to find out). You'd just want to get the f&%# away.
All I can tell about the monsters is that they are mammals (when the dead animal hides are removed, you still see hair on their bodies). Their reproductive system is apparently based on that of rabbits, in that the female exhibits postpartum estrus, basically the ability to give birth almost immediately following copulation.
I guess I'll have to wait for the sequels to fill me in on the origin of the monsters (and yes, Clu Gulager is returning to direct. Praise Jesus).
Re: Feast
Reply #14. Posted on December 12, 2007, 01:33:06 PM by Steve-O
Man, this movie was weird, but it was good actually. So damn gory and gross. Monster fans should love it!
Re: Feast
Reply #15. Posted on December 20, 2007, 10:09:35 PM by Killer Bees
This movie is truly awesome!  I especially loved it that the kid got gobbled because in most movies they spare the kids.

This is one of those rare movies that make you go, "uggghhh!  that's gross" and then laugh out loud.
Re: Feast
Reply #16. Posted on February 28, 2008, 02:50:41 PM by Alyssa
This movie was simply amazing. The review was pretty great too! My cousin showed this movie to me one day, and I was excited about seeing it. At first, I thought it was going to be cliche and stupid, but in the end I found myself laughing my ass off and having a lot of fun.

I was really sad to see Bartender go, too. GREAT movie. I would highly recommend to anyone. :]
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