Bad Movie Logo
"A website to the detriment of good film"

Custom Search

Rated G
Copyright 1969 Daiei
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Gamera - Everybody's favorite jet propelled turtle and protector of all children, even bald ones.
  • Akio - Young Japanese boy who believes in aliens, especially after they shave his head.
  • Tommy - American boy who can hit a button with a suction cup pistol from ten yards. Oh, and by the way Tommy, your mom is woof-dog ugly.
  • Tomoko - Akio's little sister, she's smart enough not to get on board flying saucers.
  • Kondo - Goofy police officer.
  • Barbella and Florella - Two outer space chicks who love to eat brains, especially fresh young ones. Barbella zaps her friend then gets in the way of a stray missile.
  • Gaos - Huge bird monster, chopped into stir fry by Guiron.
  • Guiron - The solar system's largest paring knife, broken in half by Gamera.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Gamera has fought some darn silly opponents, not the least of which is this one. Take a Bulldog and strap the largest kitchen knife you have to it's head, that's Guiron. (Actually kids, do not strap a kitchen knife to a Bulldog's head - though I honestly doubt any court would hear your case, our judicial system is pretty whacked at times.)

Akio and Tommy find a flying saucer, so they climb aboard and start fooling with the controls. When it lifts off Tomoko is left wondering what to tell mom, while the two astronauts are experiencing some mild anxiety, until Gamera shows up. The big turtle comes motoring through space, propelled by flames from his rear end, intending to take the kids back home. The saucer has other ideas, leaving Gamera behind and bringing the boys to an advanced world guarded by Guiron.

The planet's (it's on the mirror side of the Sun from us) only inhabitants are a pair of space women who plan on eating some fresh brains, then fleeing to Earth. It seems that a horde of Gaos are slowly destroying their world and the planet climate control system is degenerating to boot. I tell you, when it rains it pours. Lucky for Akio Gamera arrives just in time, the two cranium craving coeds were ready to split his newly shaved grape and dig in.

Unfortunately for Gamera he wasn't quite ready for an huge rubber carving knife to come jumping at him (Okay, I'm here and... ...WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?), he tumbles into a nearby lake after being pummeled. Following a brief rest we see the overgrown Macroclemys Temminckii back for more, and putting Mary Lou Retton to shame! He's kinda shaped like her too.

Dubbed Kaiju films are always a blast and this one is no exception, plenty of goofy lines to amuse you.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Advanced civilizations have perfect driving records.
  • Toy sucker cup shooting pistols are pretty powerful.
  • Japanese police shave little kid's heads when they are bad.
  • Gamera likes to drag race.
  • Monsters cause water to flow uphill.
  • Aliens talk in fast forward.
  • Huge monsters know how to use throwing stars.
  • If somebody will not wake up you should punch them in the forehead.
  • Turtles are naturally agile and experts on the parallel bars.
  • Gamera has a sexy butt... (Hey, they had to show it to me.)

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 4 mins - What about Uranus? (Hehe, um, silly joke - sorry.)
  • 12 mins - Is that kid wearing thigh-high socks and daisy dukes? Who dressed him? Did RuPaul go back in time and dress him?
  • 16 mins - Now these are some awesome special effects.
  • 21 mins - Earth is a planet, not a star, you moron.
  • 28 mins - Nothing like an inconspicuous BLINKING ORANGE security camera.
  • 30 mins - Are those neon hula-hoops?
  • 48 mins - What are you kids drinking, it sure isn't milk.
  • 60 mins - You know, they really should have a big "Beware of the Dog" sign or something.
  • 75 mins - What is that blinking belt thing of hers anyway, a fertility meter?


  • Kondo: "Remember, the next time, if you are naughty again, I'll shave your heads!"
    Kids: "Ewww."
  • Barbella: "And we can't waste any time, because while they are sleeping we'll eat their brains raw."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note gamvsguiron1.wav Guiron roaring.
Green Music Note gamvsguiron2.wav Akio: "What a superior civilization. You know, I looked in my telescope every day, and I thought there'd be a perfect planet, without work, or wars, and traffic accidents, and I've been believing it up to this day."
Green Music Note gamvsguiron3.wav Barbella: "Let's eat the kids later, and let's fix the spacecraft first."
Green Music Note gamvsguiron4.wav Scientist: "Gamera is heading this way with a spaceship in his mouth!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipgamvsguiron1.mpg - 2.8m
Gamera on the parallel bars, can he stick the landing? You can reach down and pick your jaw up now. Stuff like this happens all the time in Gamera movies.

 Leave a commentEXTRASBuy the movie 

Share It!Buy the movieIMDB Logo
Stumble This ReviewStumble This Review
Digg This ReviewDigg This Review
Buy it from (United States)

Buy it from (Canada)

Buy it from (United Kingdom)

Internet Movie Database

Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #9. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Cham
The funniest of the Gamera series. Guiron is so ridiculous. He's a knife for cripe's sake! He does a job on Gaos though. And how bout those turtle gymnastics? I give it a 4/5
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Megaloman
I love this movie, and not just because it was the first Gamera movie I ever saw.  It is completely surrealistic and fun all at once.
I suggest checking out Neptune Media's GAMERA VS GUILLON, which uses the far superior AIP dubbing.  It is also letterboxed and has a bunch of great supplements.  The liner notes are well written also.
And the reason the vacuum cleaner show couldn't ruin GAMERA VS MONSTER X and DESTROY ALL PLANETS is because Sandy Frank didn't release his atrocious versions of them, nor license them out to the stupid show in his greed.
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by
Apparently it's some kind of law that all Japanese schoolboys have to wear "Daisy Dukes", they have on 99% of all Kaiju movies I've seen. And you didn't know all turtles were master gymnists??? And alien women can't resist eating the brains of little boys with shaved heads, and it is a natural alien response to stand stupidly in the path of an incoming missile, if it wasn't we would all have been "brain-food" centuries ago!
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #12. Posted on April 13, 2001, 01:11:23 PM by Karen S.
This movie is the absolute bomb. Frank has so much GREED its unbelievable and yet this movie is just f**king coool
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by George
Attack of the Monsters or Gamera vs. Guiron?,to me it will always be Attack of the Monsters from Ameraican International Pictures,it's Gameras 5th movie,but did you know,like Destroy All Planets,it was really a 14 or 15 part series on the Japanese Childeren Matinee every Saturday afternoon,you a half hour each Saturday,it was known as Terror on Planet Terra,in that one Gamera got to renew his battle with Gaos,this film was made by A.I.P. & Titan with Diaies help,unfortunatly in this one Gamera doesn't get to fight Gaos,but one thing the Sandy Frank version did was bring back the footage of Guiron chopping up Gaos,it has since been readded to the A.I.P. version.Just one thing more,in 1991 when I was watching this movie I said,if there's one thing I know,that is Gamera will never be on MST3K,well just one week after I said that,the only good thing is,is they didn't have the A.I.P. originals,to this day I still can't get over the Sandy Frank remakes nor the fact that Gamera was on MST3K,did they really like the Gamera films or not?.
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Katie
I saw this late night on SBS. What a laugh! my favourite quote would have to "Gamera is go-go dancing!"
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Cody Locke Mitchell
HEY! You ruined the best part of the movie! The cop's name isn't KONDO! It's CORNJOB!
Gamera vs Guiron
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by kaijukaijin
I have seen this movie in the MST3K form about 50 times and I have become utterly fascinated with it--to the point htat I am looking for a good print DVD copy of the original.  It is hard to explain a thing like this, but if any movie at all unconsciously captures the utter insanity of the world (esp. in 1969), this is it.

In the process of making this film, literally hundreds of bizzarre and aesthetically criminal decisions were made and I am left wondering "What the hell were they thinking?"  Were they all coked up or on acid and just throwing any idea into the film that came up?  The schizophrenia of the film is a testament to how strange things were.  I am tempted to argue that this film is accidentally the epitome of the kaiju genre:  absurd storyline, the thinly veiled denegration of Americans, the illogical bio-mechanics (literally) of the kaiju, the go-go dancing gymnastics of a jet propelled turtle, sexy evil twins and continual insertion of "education" as a theme in a film that repeatedly confuses planets with stars.  What more could you want?

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
 Share on Facebook
RSS Feed Subscribe Subscribe by RSS
Email Subscribe Subscribe by Email

Recommended Articles
How To Find A Bad Movie

The Champions of Justice

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Manos, The Hands of Fate

Podcast: Todd the Convenience Store Clerk

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

The Human Tornado


The Educational Archives: Driver's Ed

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Do you have a zombie plan?

ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

Subscribe to and get updates by email:

HOME B-Movie Reviews Reader Reviews Forum Interviews TV Shows Advertising Information Sideshows Links Contact is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with Fair Use, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.