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HAWK THE SLAYER - 4 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1980 Marcel/Robertson Productions Limited
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Hawk - Noble warrior who uses a special sword powered by elven magics. Apparently it protects and guides him, unfortunately this protection does not extend to his companions.
  • Gort - Giant of a man, he employs an impressive looking maul. Not the sort of thing you want connecting with your brain housing group.
  • Baldin - Dwarf who has some hygiene problems, using a whip to catch raw fish for consumption is among the least of them. Gets a dagger in the ribs and ends up as the dead dwarf in the bubble.
  • Crow - Last of the elves and his archery skills could put William Tell to shame. Whenever he speaks it reminds me of a dimwitted Vulcan.
  • Ranulf - Grizzled fighter with only one hand, he employs a rapid fire crossbow, it actually takes a clip of bolts, much like an assault rifle! Killed by Voltan.
  • Woman - Don't look at me, that is all they ever call her. She is some sort of good witch that Hawk saves from being burned at the stake. Has a bag of glow in the dark tricks up her sleeves.
  • Elaine - Hawk's beautiful (cough) wife, killed by Voltan.
  • Lots of Evil Guys - Dead meat, oh are they ever dead meat.
  • Drogo - Voltan's adopted son who just wanted daddy to respect him as a warrior. Killed by Hawk.
  • Voltan - Jack Palance! Evil brother to the noble Hawk, an iron helm hides the hideous disfigurement of his face caused by Elaine sticking a torch into his eye. Not that anything women do is like having a flaming brand stuck in your socket mind you. Cut down by Hawk.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

The cover art looks pretty average for a sword and sorcery flick and we all expect some goofy "magical" effects, but when those two glowing hula hoops appear all bets are off. Of course Hawk and Ranulf's journey through the haunted forest could be considered fair warning, it's just that the hula hoops mark where I believe the director began dropping acid during shoots.

Years ago Voltan killed the wise and good king, at least I think he was a king. Maybe I'm taking too much for granted, if he was all that wise then he would have tossed his evil brat down a well long ago. Now the wicked swordsman is terrorizing the countryside, burning Ranulf's village and taking the Abbess prisoner. Only a powerful group of heroes can stop the spread of evil and only one man can lead them, Ranulf transforms into a single handed bloodhound and locates Hawk in under two scenes. Using the good witch's magic to quickly assemble a formidable party allows for character development, but some hooded guy walking in and reasoning, "You all meet in a tavern." would have been just as coherent.

Okay, we have our warriors and evil forces to oppose them, what could possibly be missing? (here plot, here plot, come here boy) Hold on a minute, the evil guys want a hefty ransom for the Abbess' safe return, the party will have to battle a group of rich and vicious slavers for the gold. That was little problem, but when Drogo takes it upon himself to confront Hawk a fight ensues and the result (dead Drogo) sets Voltan off.

Jack Palance's character has had a difficult life. First the woman he desires weds Hawk, then she burns half his face off, when he tries to kill his goody goody brother with a crossbow she manages to get in the way and now this, the darn kid he had to adopt and raise as a son (funny thing, no woman wants to marry a guy with scar tissue for the left side of his face) gets sent to the big orphanage in the sky.

Finally the two brothers do cross swords in a very lopsided ticket. Hawk wields the "Elven Mindstone Blade of Jack Palance Slaying and General Whoopass" and the outcome is pretty much a forgone conclusion. The ending almost shoves the idea of sequel in you face, but I can not imagine any act to follow the very special film that is "Hawk the Slayer."

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • The old king will always hang on long enough to bequeath his legacy onto the good son, even after being stabbed through the heart with a sword.
  • Evil armies sing happy little tunes while hacking up women and children.
  • Boa Constrictors live in temperate forests.
  • Witches can summon glowing hula hoops to teleport people across vast distances.
  • Hare Krishnas hate dwarves.
  • Whips are under utilized in sport fishing.
  • Pound for pound you can not beat the entertainment value of watching some dirty little man gnaw on a roast chicken.
  • Evil men keep nuns as pets.
  • A witch's staff is full of silly string, she uses this to blind and immobilize enemies.
  • Nuns would make really fine secret service agents.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 4 mins - Why does a human have the last elfin mindstone?
  • 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BREAD!
  • 14 mins - Hawk journeys into the land of background matting.
  • 30 mins - That looks just like Halloween spider web...
  • 42 mins - Baldin did not have any trouble getting free of those ropes, I probably would have done that earlier.
  • 45 mins - "The Iron Hills are no more." says Baldin, you mean that Voltan bulldozed them or something? What force in medieval times went around flattening out hills?
  • 54 mins - You know, for good guys, this group is rather sadistic.
  • 67 mins - Very windy here in the foreground, but notice how all the trees are not moving.
  • 83 mins - Fluorescent bouncy balls! Hehehehe! I almost died from laughter over the next few minutes.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note hawkslayer1.wav Goofy Guy: "Ohhh dear, I do believe my impetuous friend is challenging you."
Crow: "He wastes his time and mine." (Arrow thwack!)
Green Music Note hawkslayer2.wav Hawk: "And how did the mighty Baldin come to be in this sorry mess?"
Baldin: "Too much wine, a friendly fight or two...you know how it goes. A crack on the skull from a sultry wench, and I wake to find myself at the mercy of these chanting fools!"
Green Music Note hawkslayer3.wav Drogo: "I am no messenger, but I will give you a message. The message of death!"
Green Music Note hawkslayer4.wav Voltan: "Dear brother, I think you and your friends can be persuaded to tell me...believe it, or not!" (Ok, so he didn't actually say that last part.)
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliphawkslayer1.mpg - 3.2m
I still cannot believe that they used fluorescent bouncy balls.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 ... 13
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #25. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Nile577
This movie rules so much, its the most classic comedy film ever. If you listen carefully to the part where Ranolf gets knocked from his horse, he mutters "f*ck" under his breath - I think the take went a bit wrong but they just left it in!
 Ranolfs reactions are kind of suspect though. I mean, In one scene he points his crossbow at Voltan and demands "let her go". Voltan somehow has time to pull out a knife and throw it at Ranolf before the Ranster can even pull his trigger.
 My friends and I are working on the sequel - a camcorder classic.
 I can't believe so many people know this cult classic.
I'm still laughing at the scene where Hawk hits the "women" on the head with his sword by accident"

"Her death will be yet one more victory for the powers of darkness..."
"Use your sword pig! Do not f*ck me..." - a little known use of profanity in the movee

Get this move on DVD now!
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #26. Posted on July 23, 2002, 01:12:58 PM by the man stading next to the man
Simply put:  you cannot name 5 better sword&sorcery movies in the history of cinema. I just got this movie off of ebay after searching for over 20 years. It is one of the best films of all time....a remake would be perfect!!!!
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #27. Posted on August 05, 2002, 12:22:57 AM by Fabiano Suassuna Montenegro
Hawk the slayer is one of my favorite movies. I saw it for the first time in 1987 when I was 11 years, and recorded it few years later on TV. Many times I searshed about this movie on net, and never foud sites with great stuff. I hope that someday Hawk the Slayer be released on DVD. Congratulations for the webmaster for put this movie on your site, and is good to know that so many people likes this great movie.
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #28. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Scott D.
Watched Lord of  the Rings last week- then popped in Hawk the Slayer for comparison.

Crow was a much cooler elf than the Rivendell deinizens!!  

I love this piece of chesse and the music!!  Saw John Terry (Hawk) in a Dolly Parton TV movie last year.
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #29. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Seagull the Flayer
I just watched this film tonight with my friends after it was referred to in one of our faveourite comedies (Spaced) as a big pile of crap. It's a line that's stuck with us and when we saw it on DVD that was it we had to get it just for that reason.We watched it and yes it is a big pile of crap (bearing in mind we grew up in the eighties) however it was highly entertaining! I loved the death with the hunchback having to hold the rope in his mouth and the way they couldn't give the witch one eye so they drew one on a bandana instead lol. And why was it the giant wasn't very...Giant. And the way everone else sounded like they were from Kent and Hawk and Voltan sounded American! I have to say this is a classic! Glad I bought it!
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #30. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by JamdinBard
This is one of my favorite fantasy films. Sure it may be cheesy but it has Crow! I take "Hawk The Slayer" over "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" any day 8)
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #31. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by fishcasa
Woohoo!!! It's finally out on DVD. Get some lizard's eyeballs and freshly whipped fish to munch on while you watch it.
Hawk the Slayer
Reply #32. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Rude_Kaiser
I can't believe this is out on DVD. I have been searching for this movie for the last 5 years on any format. As a kid, Hawk the Slayer baptized me into fantasy fiction.
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