HAWK THE SLAYER
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1980 Marcel/Robertson Productions Limited
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Hawk - Noble warrior who uses a special sword powered by elven magics. Apparently it protects and guides him, unfortunately this protection does not extend to his companions.
- Gort - Giant of a man, he employs an impressive looking maul. Not the sort of thing you want connecting with your brain housing group.
- Baldin - Dwarf who has some hygiene problems, using a whip to catch raw fish for consumption is among the least of them. Gets a dagger in the ribs and ends up as the dead dwarf in the bubble.
- Crow - Last of the elves and his archery skills could put William Tell to shame. Whenever he speaks it reminds me of a dimwitted Vulcan.
- Ranulf - Grizzled fighter with only one hand, he employs a rapid fire crossbow, it actually takes a clip of bolts, much like an assault rifle! Killed by Voltan.
- Woman - Don't look at me, that is all they ever call her. She is some sort of good witch that Hawk saves from being burned at the stake. Has a bag of glow in the dark tricks up her sleeves.
- Elaine - Hawk's beautiful (cough) wife, killed by Voltan.
- Lots of Evil Guys - Dead meat, oh are they ever dead meat.
- Drogo - Voltan's adopted son who just wanted daddy to respect him as a warrior. Killed by Hawk.
- Voltan - Jack Palance! Evil brother to the noble Hawk, an iron helm hides the hideous disfigurement of his face caused by Elaine sticking a torch into his eye. Not that anything women do is like having a flaming brand stuck in your socket mind you. Cut down by Hawk.
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The cover art looks pretty average for a sword and sorcery flick and we all expect some goofy "magical" effects, but when those two glowing hula hoops appear all bets are off. Of course Hawk and Ranulf's journey through the haunted forest could be considered fair warning, it's just that the hula hoops mark where I believe the director began dropping acid during shoots.
Years ago Voltan killed the wise and good king, at least I think he was a king. Maybe I'm taking too much for granted, if he was all that wise then he would have tossed his evil brat down a well long ago. Now the wicked swordsman is terrorizing the countryside, burning Ranulf's village and taking the Abbess prisoner. Only a powerful group of heroes can stop the spread of evil and only one man can lead them, Ranulf transforms into a single handed bloodhound and locates Hawk in under two scenes. Using the good witch's magic to quickly assemble a formidable party allows for character development, but some hooded guy walking in and reasoning, "You all meet in a tavern." would have been just as coherent.
Okay, we have our warriors and evil forces to oppose them, what could possibly be missing? (here plot, here plot, come here boy) Hold on a minute, the evil guys want a hefty ransom for the Abbess' safe return, the party will have to battle a group of rich and vicious slavers for the gold. That was little problem, but when Drogo takes it upon himself to confront Hawk a fight ensues and the result (dead Drogo) sets Voltan off.
Jack Palance's character has had a difficult life. First the woman he desires weds Hawk, then she burns half his face off, when he tries to kill his goody goody brother with a crossbow she manages to get in the way and now this, the darn kid he had to adopt and raise as a son (funny thing, no woman wants to marry a guy with scar tissue for the left side of his face) gets sent to the big orphanage in the sky.
Finally the two brothers do cross swords in a very lopsided ticket. Hawk wields the "Elven Mindstone Blade of Jack Palance Slaying and General Whoopass" and the outcome is pretty much a forgone conclusion. The ending almost shoves the idea of sequel in you face, but I can not imagine any act to follow the very special film that is "Hawk the Slayer."
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- The old king will always hang on long enough to bequeath his legacy onto the good son, even after being stabbed through the heart with a sword.
- Evil armies sing happy little tunes while hacking up women and children.
- Boa Constrictors live in temperate forests.
- Witches can summon glowing hula hoops to teleport people across vast distances.
- Hare Krishnas hate dwarves.
- Whips are under utilized in sport fishing.
- Pound for pound you can not beat the entertainment value of watching some dirty little man gnaw on a roast chicken.
- Evil men keep nuns as pets.
- A witch's staff is full of silly string, she uses this to blind and immobilize enemies.
- Nuns would make really fine secret service agents.
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- 4 mins - Why does a human have the last elfin mindstone?
- 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BREAD!
- 14 mins - Hawk journeys into the land of background matting.
- 30 mins - That looks just like Halloween spider web...
- 42 mins - Baldin did not have any trouble getting free of those ropes, I probably would have done that earlier.
- 45 mins - "The Iron Hills are no more." says Baldin, you mean that Voltan bulldozed them or something? What force in medieval times went around flattening out hills?
- 54 mins - You know, for good guys, this group is rather sadistic.
- 67 mins - Very windy here in the foreground, but notice how all the trees are not moving.
- 83 mins - Fluorescent bouncy balls! Hehehehe! I almost died from laughter over the next few minutes.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | hawkslayer1.wav
| Goofy Guy: "Ohhh dear, I do believe my impetuous friend is challenging you."
Crow: "He wastes his time and mine." (Arrow thwack!)
| | hawkslayer2.wav
| Hawk: "And how did the mighty Baldin come to be in this sorry mess?"
Baldin: "Too much wine, a friendly fight or two...you know how it goes. A crack on the skull from a sultry wench, and I wake to find myself at the mercy of these chanting fools!"
| | hawkslayer3.wav
| Drogo: "I am no messenger, but I will give you a message. The message of death!"
| | hawkslayer4.wav
| Voltan: "Dear brother, I think you and your friends can be persuaded to tell me...believe it, or not!" (Ok, so he didn't actually say that last part.)
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | hawkslayer1.mpg
- 3.2m
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| I still cannot believe that they used fluorescent bouncy balls.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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| Hawk the Slayer
Reply #65. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by JMartin
Saw it years ago,on late night-I stayed awake for it,which is more then I can say for any of the "Ring" movies
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Reply #66. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Bitter Stevil
The elf guy "Crow" is the most amazingly bad actor I have ever seen (I suspect that he is in reality a retarded vulcan) which makes his cheesy lines even funnier.
"They will give us peace!"
(in a monotone)-"Yes. The peace...of the dead"
But the funniest line has to be
"I am no messenger, but I will give you a message. The message... of death!
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Reply #67. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Marc
Okay! Twenty two years ago this movie was the s**t! Please keep in mind I was 10!!! I showed it to my kids and they laught their collective asses off! I was sort of hurt by that. Have we really gotten' that spoiled that even a cheesy movie like this can no longer entertain us!
It was really funny watching my 7 year old look at me and say " Daddy....you thought this was cool? When?"
Sad in Denver!!!
Marc
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Reply #68. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Milo
A most excellent, classic film. The very finest in cheese.
What is often overlooked is that the fight director is a well-respected fellow not only in that field but in the study of medieaval martial arts. The fights are "filmic", but actually very good. The hammer fight over eating cow dung is a particular favourite of mine.
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Reply #69. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Gunndar
It's worth noting (ok, maybe not) that the part or the neon-spewing witch is played by Patricia Quinn! (AKA Magenta of Rocky Horror Picture Show fame.) What happened to her career BTW? I remember thinking her quite hot...
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Reply #70. Posted on October 23, 2005, 02:51:12 PM by Iain
Man, that was one savage film. Just spent about 5 minutes p**sing my pants at that review. I reckon some attention could have been drawn to the bit where that loudmouth Friar gets pummeled by his own club. We need more piles of crap like this!!
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Reply #71. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Crow
This is the best cult fantasy movie classic of all time!!! I was shocked to see it on badmovies.org...I remember seeing it first on TV when I was 10 years old and I still have the original VCR recorded tape. IMO its still as good as it was all those years ago - Jack Palance gave an amazing performance and I'd say Voltan was the greatest movie villain! I wish there was a sequel and I'm really hoping Jack (Voltan) can be in it!
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Reply #72. Posted on March 17, 2006, 06:37:14 PM by Thomas
Despite what todat would pass as bad effects and such, this movie is great.I loved every minute of it.It is the best worse RPG friendly movie of alltime.I saw it when it came out in 1980 and love watching to this day.....just awesome..
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