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LASERBLAST - 2 Slimes
Rated PG
Copyright 1978 Selected Pictures
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 9 April 2001

The Characters:  

  • Billy - Young man who is picked on by almost everyone in town, until he finds a powerful alien bazooka. Zapped, but not incinerated, by the aliens (so Kathy can weep over his body).
  • Kathy - As you can guess, this is Billy's girlfriend. She loves her little toad.
  • Chuck and Froggy - Town bullies, why does the big tough guy always keep a loudmouth worm around? Both are zapped.
  • Jeep and Ungar - Deputies that act like jerks. Deputies always come in pairs, an imposing corn-fed one and another who is skinny. These two fit that stereotype nicely. Blasted to donut heaven.
  • Mr. Craig - Government agent, though we never find out if he has any inkling of his own purpose in this film. Investigating aliens is like that, you don't need any clear goals.
  • Doctor Mellon - Roddy McDowall! Just a simple country doctor, not afraid to cut metallic growths out of his patients' chests either. Vaporized before the malpractice suits can begin rolling in.
  • The Colonel - Keenan Wynn! Kathy's grandfather was in the military as an officer. Has his moments of clarity, but for the most part he is participating in Operation Alzheimer's.
  • The Stop Motion Aliens - Either intergalactic police or bounty hunters, most likely the former.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

I've come to the realization that law enforcement is universally incompetent, as in police all over the universe. As the credits finish we see a sick man stumbling across the desert, carrying the Nerf Gun of Ultimate Destruction and pendant. Judging from the skin color and hygiene, he looks like some species of living dead. Within moments a spaceship passes over, then lands and a pair of armed (as in carrying weapons) stop motion aliens exit the craft. Despite his impressive blaster the zombie/vampire/mutant fellow is no match for the aliens, he becomes a man-shaped scorch mark on the ground. The aliens hear a small aircraft approaching, so they board their spaceship and depart. In the rush something is forgotten; the pendant and cannon are still lying on the sand.

Everything that transpired over the last few minutes should get your mind working on some questions. Under what circumstances did this weapon come to Earth in the first place? What are the aliens saying? How in the world did the aliens forget to grab or destroy the cannon and pendant? You are never going to find out, though some inventive guessing can help relieve the frustration.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to the tragic hero of our story. Billy will never be addressed by the ghastly apparition of a bloody child, but I still think he fits the moniker nicely. Seems like the entire town pushes him around in one way or another, whether it be Chuck's taunting or Ungar loading on the speeding tickets. Ah, a persecution complex in full bloom, the exact person you should avoid giving a laser cannon. Of course, that saves him lots of time studying explosives and building a cabin out in the woods (or desert, as the locale dictates). Why couldn't the Unibomber find one of these? Would have made him more interesting, a kook with a beard is not interesting to me.

Billy finds the cannon while wandering around the desert (nobody picks on him out there). We can assume that sooner or later he was going to explode, but finding the Nerf Gun of Ultimate Destruction hastens things along. I'm of the mind that the pendant is the real problem, it seems to power the weapon. Plus, when the young man is wearing it, he turns into a zombie/vampire/mutant thing. Contact with the artifact is not healthy at all, leaving a strange scar on Billy's chest that appears to be flesh transformed into some strange metal.

Our alien buddies are happily motoring along back home to Alpha Centauri when their leader makes a videophone call. Just like before, we can't understand a darn word they are saying. Scenes of Billy finding the blaster are broadcast, plus the leader seems a little agitated. I'd bet the gist was, "You idiots! You forgot to get the Nerf Gun of Ultimate Destruction!" Tweedle Dzzzrkkk and Tweedle Dvvvrkkk turn around, obviously on their way to prevent Billy from using his toy to do something unpleasant.

Too late! Looks like the pendant completely short circuits the superego, because the normally quiet main character is blasting anyone who ever wronged him! Even Dr. Mellon is killed to prevent him from examining a sample of tissue taken from Billy's chest. You may notice that "Laserblast" yields a huge number of random acts of violence, especially at the end. This is the possessed teenager wandering through town, destroying everything in sight. Okay, so maybe he was just demolishing temporary structures in some alley, but you understand the intent.

The aliens are exceptionally neat and definitely make the movie, even their strange squawking speech is well done. Other than the stop motion I am at a loss for words, because the plot is simple. "Kid with a (valid) persecution complex finds a Nerf Gun of Ultimate Destruction and blows things up." That's the plot, everything else is padding and it feels like padding.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Mothers rarely tell their teenage children before traveling out of the country.
  • We put old people in homes for a good reason.
  • Vans are not made for racing.
  • Men: if a female refuses your advances you should toss her into a pool.
  • Hitting someone with the mesh of a tennis racket will knock them unconscious.
  • "The Morning Uglies" are caused by close contact with alien artifacts.
  • There is always somebody with a bigger gun.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Opening credits - You can tell which people changed their names to work in show biz.
  • 10 mins - Billy is running around without a shirt, but Kathy has on a full flannel nightgown. I'm confused, what is the ambient temperature?
  • 20 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST SHRUBS!
  • 32 mins - Hey chubby, the reason you don't have any friends is that you sit around eating cake when they come to visit.
  • 37 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAR!
  • 49 mins - It's almost as if they were trying to pad the film by showing this footage again...
  • 58 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PINBALL MACHINE!
  • 72 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A "STAR WARS" ADVERTISEMENT!
  • 73 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TELEPHONE BOOTH!
  • 77 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A LETTER DROP AND A NEWS STAND!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note laserblast1.wav Colonel: "Everything is hush hush! Operation Sand Dust, hush hush! Everybody connected with it, hush hush! Everybody except me..."
Green Music Note laserblast2.wav Alien speak.
Green Music Note laserblast3.wav Chubby Girl: "They tell me cake is bad for me. Well, what about radiation?"
Green Music Note laserblast4.wav Kathy: "Someone blew up Chuck's car."
Billy: "What? Who would want to do a thing like that?"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliplaserblast1.mpg - 2.7m
The stop-motion aliens were chasing this wretched creature when it ambushed them. He puts up a good fight until the advanced bipeds start returning fire, then it's all over.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
Laserblast
Reply #9. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Dr. Maniac
   This is exactly why I gave up acting and switched to directing.  Keenan Wynn and Roddy McDowall pick up some quick rent money by being in this low budget time killer.
That's not to say this film isn't fun.  Heck I will watch anything with stop motion animation and at least here it is well done.  When my wife and I were dating we would go see this movie and make up dialog for the alien lizards (well whatever they are saying isn't subtitled you know!).
   Kim Milford, who played "Rocky Horror" on Broadway, finds the ultimate instrument of revenge against the people who picked on him.  One thing that is never explained (well, a lot of things are never explained, for example is Billy's mom a call girl or something?) is why Billy turns into a replica of the alien criminal at the start of the film whenever he uses the laser gun; and why is the crystal amulet turning his chest into metal?  Oh well, this is a movie that you just watch and enjoy without asking too many questions about.
Laserblast
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Scott
What in the cchell? (if you ever go to Newgrounds.com and watch Mario Twins, you'll get that). This movie was weird. I've never really watched a movie that I can say had no plot, but now I have. All this guy does is blow stuff up! Then he dies. What?! Where did that one come from? I mean, he finds a gun, shoots stuff including a hippie who was nice enough to give him a ride (Then again, if you're that stupid not to notice a big freakin gun on someone's arm, well then I have little pity for you). And what's with Froggy's affiction with lightning? Every time he talks, its about lightning or hotdogs... whatever. Well, other than the complete lack of a plot, this movie was pretty cool. Lots of stuff blowing up... lots of random stuff. But, I do have to admit. This movie has the BEST stop-motion animation I have EVER seen. It's so smooth. But, that's it. Good day gentlemen.
Laserblast
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Robert L. Folkner
I'd heard so much about how bad this film is that I just HAD to buy the DVD. It's a truly amazing movie in the sense that it could have been good- if the filmmakers had decided to EXPLAIN anything in it, which they didn't.

In fact, the only truly enjoyable parts of the movie involved the stop-motion aliens. They were great.

As to the people, it was sad to see Keenan Wynn and Roddy McDowall debasing their talents like this, and I can't figure out why Kim Milford got involved, either. He was either a lousy actor at this point in his short life, phoned-in his performance after reading the script, or was defeated by the director and the editor.

Anyway, over-all this is a sad movie.
Laserblast
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by S. Johson
I saw this at a drive-in theater when I was a kid. I was about seven years old. Even at that tender impressionable age... I KNEW this was crap. I asked my parents about it once when I was in my late twenties. "Mom Dad, do you remember that one time we went to the drive-in and saw that movie Laserblast?" They both look at me in confusion and try to pass off the question. I'm sure there's more to this movie than what meets the eye. I mean really... look at teenagers from the eighties. There has GOT to be a connection!
Laserblast
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by AlphaWoolf
Waay cool stop-motion aliens, but beyond that I can't remember much.  Watch the aliens at the beginning and the end and forget the rest.  I did.
Laserblast
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Dark Wizard
I'll always remember this as being the last film to be spoofed by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang during their comedy central run (saving the worst for last, I guess ^^).  As Tom Servo said in that episode "I've seen tighter editing in a home movie than in this!"  And it's true!  The whole film probably has fifteen minutes of action, total.  But it's good old cheese that's so bad it's funny.
Oh yeah, and the claymation was pretty good too! ^^  
Laserblast
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Matt Petty
My school sat us all in the main hall when I was about 12 or 13 (over 15 years ago) and showed us this movie. We were used to being shown the classic British 'Children's Film Foundation' flicks, which were usually about a group of kids saving their scout hut or something, but this was a real departure. I remember the first scene where the zombie is killed by the aliens - we all gasped when we saw his face. And they say the UK education system is failing...
Laserblast
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by AMIR
 Kim Milford-Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith-Roddy McDowall-Keenan Wynn- Have all passed away. For some reason or another we all remember this film from our childhood.Yes, it might have been cheezy and filled with a lot of corny dialog just to show us what damage a laser could do if it existed. And weather a kid was into sci-fi or not, We all wished that LASER-CANNON could have somehow fallen into our possession. What a film to leave such a lasting impression upon us.Thanks for the memories.  For the main cast,
                     REST IN PEACE
                        -AMIR-
                 
                 "Long live LASERBLAST"
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