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MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE - Skull
Not Rated
Copyright 1966 Norm-Iris Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 30 March 2003

The Characters:  

  • Mike - As fathers and husbands go, he is a pretty poor example.
  • Margaret - The expendable mother and wife.
  • Debbie - She is the product of two useless people, so that makes her something of a pariah.
  • The Smoochers - With all that booze, you would think that they might be a little farther along.
  • The Police - They spend their days (and nights) keeping track of the smoochers.
  • Torgo - The weird and uncoordinated caretaker of the Master's house. Clawed to death by sexually frustrated women.
  • The Master - He looks like the stereotypical UPS man, but is the leader of a cult dedicated to Manos.
  • The Master's Many Wives - I think that he is an old school Mormon.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Thanks to the efforts of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew, lots of people are familiar with this movie. I have received numerous requests over the years to review it. It is a classic MST3K episode, but can you comprehend the horror of watching the movie alone and unedited? After only thirty minutes, I could actually feel the blood slowing down as it moved through my brain.

The memory is not getting any better, so let us begin.

The happy little family unit of Mike, Margaret, and Debbie are on a road trip when their luck takes a turn for the worse. No, not a family of mutant cannibals, but lots of driving does bring them to the front door of a forsaken lodge. Torgo lingers in the doorway, acting like a mentally challenged freak. Tired after a long day on the road, dad says, "Gee, this place looks like a good place to spend the night." He instructs the creepy caretaker to carry the family's bags inside.

Meanwhile, the two smoochers are discovered by the roaming policemen and told to move along. This turns into a running gag, with the amorous pair kissing, drinking, and eventually leaving when the officers find the latest roadside love nest. Have you ever kissed someone with several hours of cheap whiskey on their breath? Not the best way to get in the mood.

Inside the lodge is a depiction of the Master and his faithful Doberman. Mike and Margaret spend what seems like (and nearly is) ten minutes obsessing about the painting. They are frightened by the aura of menace that surrounds the canvas. These two should try looking through a book of Giger's artwork (which, by the way, makes a great baby shower present).

That night, Mike investigates chilling howls near the house and an unseen creature kills the family poodle. Then the luckless father discovers the Master's desert shrine. The priest lies upon a stone altar, while his women decorate nearby pillars. All of this is too much for Mike; he runs back to the lodge with every intention of leaving.

Torgo has been using the idle time to chat up Mrs. Useless. He obsesses about the Master and his wives, angry that the polygamous pontiff wants the newest female arrival for his own. The Master wakes after these revelations, so perhaps the servant is telepathically bonded. You know what? I do not care. I want this movie to be over.

The Master rouses all of his wives at the same time, which only proves to me that he is some sort of freaking idiot. The women immediately start arguing and, eventually, fighting over the fate of their guests; the disposition of Debbie seems to be a major point. One wife refuses to harm the child in any way. The debate spirals into chaos as slaps and sharp fingernails start flying. The fight lasts for about twenty minutes.

Elsewhere, the Master has a stare-off with Torgo. The idiot (that would be Torgo) loses and is consigned to death. The priest has to stop his consorts' battle royal en progress (thank goodness), but soon the dissenting wife and Torgo are tied up and ready for slaughter.

Speaking of staring, if I was a goldfish and could not blink, this movie would be the death of me.

Failing to start the car, Mike is forced to drag his wife and child into the desert. They get absolutely nowhere. Clear night, not too bad terrain, and the bozo cannot lead them to safety. Look for a glow on the horizon or find Polaris and get your bearings, you worthless sack of flesh! I refuse to believe that we are the same species. Mein Gott! Mr. Useless eventually gives up and settles on the bright idea of hiding at the Master's house. Soon the cleric of Manos has them in his power, despite Mike's revolver (useless, just like its owner).

The title alone should warn people away. "Manos" is Spanish for "hands" and that is about as clever as the film ever gets. Listening to the Master crowing about his deity's power or staring at ten minutes of women arguing is nothing to be proud of.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Hell is filled with bad lounge singers.
  • Hooch, not Big Red, is the best way to hold a kiss for hours.
  • Poodles make for poor guard dogs.
  • Moths are attracted to light sources. (The filmmakers did not seem to learn this lesson.)
  • Trying to beat someone's brains out against soft, sandy ground, is futile.
  • Women are impatient when they are horny.
  • I need to get out more.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 2 mins - Punch buggy blue!
  • 12 mins - Goat man walking.
  • 21 mins - You know, if I were Margaret, I would be worried that "The Master" was a euphemism.
  • 42 mins - A little something for the guys... ...what am I saying? This is idiocy!
  • 50 mins - Stared at my toes for five minutes. That was pretty cool.
  • 61 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RATTLESNAKE!
  • 63 mins - What is it with poor jump edits and the police?
  • 68 mins - This movie cost me $20. For $8 I could have purchased a can of paint and watched it dry for sixty-eight minutes.

Quotes: 

  • Torgo: "But master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself?"
    The Master: "You are not one of us. Therefore you cannot have one of them!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note manos1.wav Mike: "Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago."
Margaret: "I don't care; let's see if we can get some directions."
Green Music Note manos2.wav Torgo: "I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away."
Green Music Note manos3.wav Torgo: "There is nothing to fear madam. The Master likes you. Nothing will happen to you. He likes you."
Margaret: "Likes me? I thought you said he was dead."
Green Music Note manos4.wav The Master: "Arise, my wives, give ear to the words of Manos. Arise, my wives, and hear the will of Manos!"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipmanos1.mpg - 3.0m
The Master dominates Torgo and then preaches to the screen. Half the movie is like this.

I take that back, this is one of the good parts.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 7 8 [9] 10 11 ... 15
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #65. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by graig
I caught the MST3K "Manos" (always include the quotes when referring to "Manos") about a week ago after my friends warned me HEAVILY away from it, and goddamn if it wasn't one of the worst bad movies ever... and that's exactly what I love about it. Then I found a streaming version of the unedited (well, mostly unedited) version on-line at youtube.com:
http://tinyurl.com/d9d88
I watched it six times over two days... and I like it more each time I see it.
It fires badness on every cylinder, to the epitome of awful, making it utterly fascinating to watch (yes dry and clean, no booze or weed).  The more you watch it the more fun it gets.  Torgo is my hero, Margaret is foxy, the Master's mumu kicks ass, and that unintelligable kid (Debbie) cracks me up every time.
I've captured a ton of stills from this film and the surprising thing is how nicely composed *some* (a very select few) of the shots are.

Hail "Manos"
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #66. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by The Seventh Son
Wow, I just picked this up for 8 bucks at an cult film shop downtown yesterday.  I was ripped off of a joint and luckily the high lasted for the whole length of the movie. I actually replayed the 2 seconds where a whole chunk of scenery was taken out while this weird cabaret lady was singing...ok pot moments aside...
The film was stupid to the point of me realizing that well Plan 9 had a "plot". These aliens in silver pajamas wanted to take over the Earth and resurrect the dead. And guess what? It actually WORKED! In this film, Dweezil's dad made menacing comments, repeated the same menacing comments 20-30 more times, but never achieved anything.
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #67. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Zap
I threw up a little in my mouth while watching this film. It's okay though, I just swallowed it.
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #68. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Joey Crouch
This movie isn't good for every Manos, Womanos, or Childos in the Humanos race.
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #69. Posted on March 26, 2006, 01:06:55 PM by Karmyn
In certain lights at certain angles, Torgo is kinda cute. He looks a bit like a deranged George Cloony.
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #70. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Chris
I am usually able to find some sort of silver lining in most movies, but even I'm having a difficult time trying to find something good about "Manos".
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #71. Posted on September 10, 2006, 04:32:56 PM by JT
Before Hitler shaved his mustache to resemble a paintbrush and slicked his hair with greasy gel, he spoke English and was...THE MASTER!
Manos, the Hands of Fate
Reply #72. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Total Nut
It was hard enough for me to watch the MST3K version. I remember even Joel and the 'bots found it especially bad. I did love the "break" portion, though, where Joel was wearing a mock "Manos" cape that had red FEET instead of hands! THAT was funny.
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Lesson Learned:
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