Princess Warrior B-Movie Review

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PRINCESS WARRIOR - 1 Slime

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 13 April 2008

The Characters:

Ovule - Well, if you are going to fall in love with a warrior princess who hails from an extraterrestrial culture that treats men as slaves, you might as well pick the pretty one who displays some pacifist tendencies.
Bob - I bet that this wuss is regularly mugged by fourth graders.
Matt & Johnny - Once again, I am at the mercy of actors creating a parody of the Los Angeles Police Department. I am not happy. I was not happy when they put a single red flashing light atop that junker of a car, and I was not happy when they freaked out over their service revolvers being stolen by the alien Amazons. Not happy.
Vinnie & Vito - Who thought that Andrew Dice Clay was a good template for this pair?
The Queen Mother - I think that she accidentally screwed an incandescent bulb into her you-know-what...which turned out to be fatal (well, duh).
High Priestess - Of militant, feminist Buddhism.
Currette - Winner of the "worst breasts in this movie" award. Damn, those are some ugly boobs.
Exzema, Bulemia, & Ricketsia - These are Currette's partners in interstellar female crime. I hope you noticed how their names are subtly humorous. It's even funnier when you find out that all three of them die. One has a lightsaber jammed through her chin, but the other two die peacefully with their lithe bodies riddled by bullets and 00 buckshot.

The Plot:

There is a planet in our universe that is controlled by women. The matriarchy is ruled by the Queen Mother, who mates with carefully selected male concubines and only produces female heirs. On her deathbed, the Queen Mother summons her daughters to her bedside to pass on the ring of rulership. Traditionally, the firstborn daughter becomes the new Queen Mother, but Currette is one mean bitch. The Queen Mother selects Ovule instead. If I thought Currette was a bitch before, you should see her after being passed over for the position of Queen Mother. A pitched battle instantly erupts between Ovule and Currette's supporters.

Given the fact that the Queen Mother must pass on the ring of rulership immediately prior to dying, I wonder what happens if the matriarch suffers a sudden and unexpected death. Say, for example, a marble column toppled and squashed the Queen flat. What then?

As the battle for the throne rages, the female warriors draw swords ("ornate dowels" would be a more accurate description) that turn into lightsabers. Actually striking your opponent with one of these things does not seem to do much damage, but pointing it at them and shooting little disintegration bubbles is lethal. If that is how the weapons kill people, why are they swinging them at each other?

Desperate to escape the carnage, Ovule flees the battle and enters the teleportation room. She climbs into something that looks like a capsule from one of those pneumatic tube delivery systems used in bank drive-thru lanes. A loyal henchwoman hits the button and, whoosh, the new Queen is zapped across the universe and hits our planet. She lands in a seedy nightclub where three girls who dance like strippers are competing in a wet t-shirt contest. Everyone knows that teleportation gizmos can't handle non-organic materials (people with dental fillings are out of luck; ditto women who are menstruating and using tampons), so Ovule is naked when she arrives on Earth. She looks around, sees a table with extra shirts left over from the wet t-shirt contest, and puts one on.

Do you see this coming? Tell me you see it coming. I will cry if you do not guess what happens after Ovule dons a wet t-shirt contest shirt. Yes! She is immediately selected as the winner of the contest. Then, in the chaos that ensues, Bob tries to rescue the stranded princess before Vinnie, Vito, or anyone else can get their hands on her. Bob loses his job and gets thrown out of the club; Ovule begins walking meekly down the street. This establishes the stage for the part of the script that is my personal demon, because Bob jumps on his motorcycle and drives after her.

We, the viewing audience, spend a lot of time watching people drive around during this film. Quite often, that means Bob and Ovule on the motorcycle. The other times, it is Matt and Johnny in their "patrol car," but don't worry about them yet; they haven't been introduced. However, when they are introduced, be assured that we will spend a lot of time with the two detectives, driving around in their unmarked car. Fruitless, squandered time, watching people drive around - sometimes in a patrol car, sometimes on a motorcycle.

Meanwhile, Currette and her toadies figure out where Ovule escaped to. The cruel woman takes two of her bodyguards with her and enters the pneumatic vacuum capsule of infinite travel. They instantly appear in the same seedy nightclub as earlier (I guess that the teleporter automatically adjusts for Earth's rotation) and commence to kicking the crap out of all the lecherous males therein.

Currette leaves Ricketsia behind on the planet "Women Prime" to deny access to the teleporter to any women loyal to Ovule. If Ricketsia can seal the room from the inside and prevent anyone on the homeworld from coming to Ovule's aid, why didn't Ovule's friend lock the door earlier? Why am I obsessing over that stupid plot point? The movie runs eighty minutes (eighty long, wasted minutes), and easily one-quarter of that time is spent watching people drive around.

All that fruitless, squandered time...

Remember the fact that men are a rare commodity on Ovule's homeworld and only used for breeding purposes. It takes her a little while to adjust to Bob's interest in her. At long last, they go back to Bob's one-bedroom apartment (with attached garage) and run into Currette. Before the bloody coup can commence, Matt and Johnny burst in. The policemen provide Ovule with an opportunity to escape and she takes it. Currette follows in hot pursuit, but her and her henchwomen end up handcuffed and in the back of the detectives' car. Unfortunately, that means that Ovule and Bob are still at large. That means that they are on the motorcycle again, driving around and, because the detectives want to apprehend the warrior princess, that means the gumshoes are driving around, looking for Bob and Ovule - who are also driving around.

Curse this film.

At some point, Ovule obtains a pair of shoes and underwear. At least, I think that she must be wearing underwear; when she and Bob are traveling on the motorcycle I cannot detect any kind of whistling.

The cops do locate the suspects' motorcycle and go after them. During the chase, watch Currette's face (she and the other two evil women are still in the back seat). The actress looks a little distressed and alarmed at times. Anyway, the chase ends when the police car crashes into a pile of loose dirt and concrete. Everyone inside is knocked unconscious.

This means that Ovule and Bob are free to do what they want. He takes her to an abandoned warehouse and gives her a soft (but not very clean) quilted moving blanket to lie on; then a light fogs starts to roll in. They start kissing! Ahhhh! What is that? A mole? What is that doing there? The actress playing the part of Ovule is not ugly, so why is this scene so repulsive?

Thankfully, the short feature "Attack of the Sensual Mole" has a running time of less than two minutes.

Back on Ovule's home planet, the High Priestess and the other female warriors are meditating. They have been doing that ever since Ricketsia locked the door. Every so often, the movie takes a minute or two and cuts back to the meditating group, just in case anyone was wondering if the enlightened warriors were still at it.

Were you wondering if they were still meditating? I wasn't.

The first occupants of the police car to wake up are Currette and her two cronies. They handcuff the men to the car and start looking for Ovule. Now, because Bob is a moron, he did not drive very far after finally losing the cops. Best that I can guess, Bob drove to the nearest empty warehouse, which was probably within a quarter mile. The final battle that will decide the fate of Ovule's homeworld is about to begin.

Good grief, I just realized that ALL of those women might have their period at the same time. I do not want to visit that planet, even though the corridor walls appear to be made from giant Hershey bars (which makes some kind of weird sense).

The woman who plays Currette has a website, and she wrote a great piece about her experience making "Princess Warrior." The site is www.danafredsti.com, and the essay can be found on this page under the title "Skeletons Wore Fishnets."

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Plexiglas is the material of choice for hospice beds.
Windex is a natural breast enhancer.
If you are making t-shirts for a wet t-shirt contest, do not use heavy duty white canvas.
A down vest beats an OP Hawaiian shirt every time.
The first branding irons were spoons with the cowboy's name on them.
When engaged in a pursuit, police officers are trained to weave back and forth in order to cause maximum havoc and risk to the public.
Spandex shorts really are "one size fits all."
Being kicked in the groin is also painful to women.
There is a reason that kung fu experts break bricks, vice steel girders.

Stuff To Watch For:

Opening Credits - Classical music (I think), played on a synthesizer. How lovely...
9 mins - Pay attention, because these two are not goofing around; this is supposed to be a real argument.
12 mins - What this scene needs is a bucket and a kiddie pool filled with ice water.
15 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
21 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
28 mins - I understand that he is talking about baseball, but do not understand why.
37 mins - Yikes! Matt is shooting at them!
50 mins - I am bored. I have been bored for some time now.
56 mins - Still bored. Middle of a high-speed chase and I am bored out of my skull.
62 mins - You could choke them to death, brain them with chunks of concrete, or even find a piece of metal rebar to stab into their necks.
66 mins - Where did the third pistol come from?

Quotes:

Ovule: "Leave me alone, and that's an order!"
Bob: "An order? I just want to talk to you."
Ovule: "Are you alright?"
Bob: "Yeah, I'm fine. If I don't get punched out once a week I have to go slam my face into a wall ten times. It keeps the skin soft. Where'd you learn to do that?"
Ovule: "Well, it was simple. He wasn't protecting himself at all."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	princesswar1.wav	Currette: "Open your mouth, dog, and I'll cut your tongue out!" Ovule: "But, Currette, he's not just any man. He's our father." Currette: "He's nothing but our mother's concubine - a weak little whore. The sight of him sickens me." Ovule: "But mother wanted him here." Currette: "Mother is a basket case. When I'm queen, it'll be different. You can count on that."
	princesswar2.wav	Currette: "No sword." Bulemia: "I feel naked without my sword. I never go anywhere without it." Currette: "That's the whole idea. You get in here with anything inorganic and pppffffhhhttt!"
	princesswar3.wav	Ovule: "We don't have any super powers." Bob: "Are you sure you don't have heat vision or x-ray eyes or anything like that? I mean, Superman had all that stuff." Ovule: "Well, I do not know your Superman, but we are really no different than you are. Oh, except for this..." (Ovule pulls up her shirt and reveals every male's worst nightmare: She has teeth down there! Okay, just kidding, she shows him her tattoo.)
	princesswar4.wav	Bob: "So, I can either go with you and become king of an entire planet or I can stay behind and get thrown jail for the rest of my life. Boy, this is a really..." Ovule: "Come on, take your clothes off. The portal won't wait forever." Bob: "You mean I have to get naked with you in this little thing?" Ovule: "It's the only way you can be transported?" Bob: "Yes!"
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	princesswar1.mpg - 3.8m
	Check out the horrible lightsaber battle that takes place after Ovule is made Queen.