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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 ... 7
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #1. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Swamprat
I've always felt sorry for Canadians...the world looks at them as "Americans without the Big Stick..." We p**s so many people off...I'd be terrified to walk around anywhere without my stick...I'd feel even worse if I were a Canuck mistaken for an "American" and got my guts stomped out or even spat on...You all seem like such nice people up there...Are your misquetoes really big enough to fly off with small children? Do you people ever make s**t movies as bad as we do?....Wait! You did send us Michael J. Fox and Loren Greene, didn't you. And Ceilin Dion...I'd love to whap her with a stick. I'd love to see the Yukon...but I wouldn't willing go anywhere knowing they still showed this rotten film on the tele...Really now, after experiancing Alan Thicke...I thought you people had better taste than we did! Peace...(Sorry this isn't in French...I'm a product of the American Public Education System...Which means I'm damn lucky if I can write it in English after forty+ years of practice.)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #2. Posted on December 24, 1999, 02:35:35 PM by ken@jabootu.com
I'm sorry to disagree with my esteamed colleage, but the Mexican "Santa Claus" is by far worse than Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  Perhaps he hasn't seen this brillaint film, in which case I'll be glad to play it with him next month when he comes in to B-Fest.

SCtM has a much better theme song, though.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #3. Posted on January 12, 2000, 10:06:55 AM by Paul Westbrook
I finally, after months of searching, have found this rare gem of a film. Good for those who are true moviephiles, like myself. For others, a good cure for insomnia. Works better than a dose of sleeping pills.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #4. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Carl
After reading some reviews for this movie, I thought it was gonna be really bad, I mean, bad, not even good.

But it is good. But still bad, if you know what I mean...

If you like bad movies, see this one!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #5. Posted on June 18, 2000, 11:29:04 PM by barry
Yes this movie is just plain atrocious.It's not even a "good" bad movie.It is, in fact, akin to a bottle of sleeping pills.I watched it once at 3 in the afternoon and found myself sawing wood halfway thru. I found a copy on tape at Blockbuster for $2.99 and it was cut! No performance by the dear little kiddies doing for theme song. I was ripped off.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #6. Posted on July 17, 2000, 09:31:04 PM by Betsy
I just gotta know: Is that one weasely little villian REALLY Jamie Farr? IMDB does not list him, nor his earlier nom de film: Jameel Farah. However, E-online, DOES list him. Who am I to believe? Can Santy help?(it's spelled S-A-N-T-A, but pronounced "Santy")
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #7. Posted on July 27, 2000, 02:21:31 PM by Scott
It has been over 20 years since I've seen this film, but I am still haunted by the sheer goofyness it asked viewers to accept.  
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #8. Posted on September 18, 2000, 11:52:48 PM by Mcguyver
Just started watching this movie what a laugh!! I just finished watching the scene with the robot busting down santas door "torx" the bobot whith the silver painted can on his head..Im laughing my ass off, a true gem of a movie indeed.....this movie is so action packed, with high suspence and mind altering twist, a must see over 18 yrs of age for sure...Later M....
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