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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... 7
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #17. Posted on November 27, 2001, 08:13:27 PM by
Fun and touching,this film is the best Christmas cult film I have ever seen.It would go with my favorite cult films like Critters 3,Killer Klowns from Outer Space,Mst3k episode Pod People,Joe Dirt,Troll 2, and Trilogy of Terror.I hope i`ll get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version for Christmas.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Drew Wharton
It's so bad I liked it!!!! I remember watching this show late at night on TV.This guy who made this must have been  put in a mental hospital for having an IQ of an 5 year old.I like the aliens. They remind me of that T.V show "my best friends an alien.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #19. Posted on March 26, 2003, 07:59:31 PM by Smokey
Get the song out of my head! AAAAARGH! Get it out! Get it out!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by ness
I love this movie!!!!!   It's the worst film I've ever seen, but I watch it every x-mas and still get a kick out of the vomit-inducing singing, incredible dialogue and the most...artistic sets ever.   Classic!!!!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Mr. Benalto
Everyone seems to have summed up this baby really well. I've read multiple reviews, and seen the MST3K version, and there's one opportunity everyone seems to have missed, so allow me to point it out for you all - KIMAR AND VOLDAR = HALL AND OATES! That is all.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #22. Posted on March 01, 2005, 05:55:07 PM by Smarty J.
This movie is hilarious if you watch the Mystery science Theater 3000 version of it.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jill
I saw this movie as a Mystery Science episode. I could not possibly have watched it any other way! The comments by the robots and Joel is what kept me awake!!

Last scene: Silly song is playing, move screen is filled with Santa's picture and Joel intones in a deep voice: "Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam."

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Virginia Plane
   Ugh. Even worse than the Carrey/Howard Grinch. I find it amusing how the kid "Billy"'s face turns grey in several scenes. (Bad lighting, I assume.) Voldar looks like Frank Zappa, doesn't he? And ANY kid with any intelligence would find Dropo creepy and irritating.
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