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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 7
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #25. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Todd Shields
Poor Vincent Beck seems to be the only good actor in this turkey, and he often looks as embarrassed as hell, as if to say "I went to acting school for this?! Somebody shoot me!"
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #26. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by gustav mahler
The dreary atmosphere, and murky, often underlighted camera work make this an unsettling experience. The entire film looks as if it were shot in somebody's cellar. Add to  this a muffelled sound track and grotesque overacting, and you have the comedic equivalent of a fake South American snuff film. Still it is some kind of weird classic in it's own right.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #27. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by R.P.GEMMELL
What in the name of Jesus H.Christ?! Some stupid film about Santa fighting martians is what this mess is about. Santa must be spinning in his grave man!!! Although the film would be good for kids right enough. If adults want to see the film it is advisable that they should drink a few pints to dull down the pain.

my rating: 0/10
childrens rating: 7-10/10
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #28. Posted on September 21, 2004, 11:02:31 PM by dr js
My parents took me to see this movie when it first premiered in theaters during the Christmas holiday in 1964. Why do I clearly remember this movie in detail, given that I saw it when I was a small child? Even given my limited experience with movies in general to that point, it stuck out in my mind as a truly special, truly bad film. I have not seen it since then, but I do savour the awful memory of it.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #29. Posted on April 11, 2005, 03:21:03 PM by Danlami Mohammed
Very fancinating with the  current update of film
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #30. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Sora the B-Movie Alchemist
THis movie was so painful to watch. Ripping at my heartstrings. Even with the bots from MST3K, I wanted to hurt myself. Please, for the love of god, don't see this movie.

Sora the B-Movie Alchemist's Ratings
Hurtful.... so hurtful....
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #31. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by miles
Well, here it is, forty years to the day that I saw S.C.C.T.M for the first time! I just finished watching it again, and a few things struck me. One, Billy Foster and I both got our AARP cards this year (age ten to age fifty) . Two, Girmar means Girl Martian and Bomar means Boy Martian. Three............who would have thought I'd be watching this movie in the year 2004?

Something to talk to my shrink about!

p.s. Yes, the movie sucks, but it's a GOOD kind of suck.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #32. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Susan Colucci
Love this movie!!!!!!!!!Saw it on Sci-Fi Channel and finally found the VHS couple of years ago of all places in my Pathmark food store in the xmas section. I bought all of them-every video store said couldnt get it! I know its silly and makes reference to "earth children" not being very bright but it still makes me laugh.
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