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SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS - 3 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 1964 Jalor Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Santa - Every kid's favorite Alzheimer's victim.
  • Kimar - Leader of the Martians, he knows just how hard it is to get good help these days.
  • Dropo - Goofy assistant to Kimar who becomes the Martian Santa.
  • Billy and Betty - Earth children abducted by the Martians.
  • Bomar and Girmar - Martian kids, the latter is Pia Zadora! (She started doing bad movies at a young age.)
  • Momar - Kimar's wife, sort of a June Cleaver with green skin.
  • Torg - An astoundingly real robot! Santa turns him into a toy.
  • Chochem - Ancient and wise Martian.
  • Voldar - Evil Martian who hates toys, laughter, and fat guys in red suits.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Anytime you want to watch the worst darn Christmas movie ever this little gem is waiting for you. When Kimar and the other members of Mars' ruling council can't make their children happy a short meeting with Chochem provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth! Kimar leads a small raiding party (Which includes Voldar, why bring the guy most against something?) to Earth, after first grabbing Billy and Betty they arrive at Santa's Workshop. At this point a silly little section occurs with the Earth children briefly escaping and wandering around the North Pole in clothes barely suited for late autumn, Torg recaptures them before reality sets in and they freeze to death. Though defended by fearless elves, one of whom grabs a baseball bat before being frozen, the chubby guy is taken at last. Having survived the trip to Mars, including Voldar trapping him in an airlock and hitting the open button, Santa is put to work making toys. This is another planet though, so the workshop is a button console, when you flip a switch any random number of times the correct number of baseball bats, dolls, etc fall out of hatches. Voldar had been glumly awaiting his trial, but he escapes and sabotages the toy machine. By a silly twist of fate Dropo happens to come dancing in wearing a Santa suit, now the bungling villains think they have Saint Nick hostage. Will Dropo escape? Can Santa bring happiness to Mars? Will Billy and Betty ever see their home again? Actually, yes to all, but it's still grand to watch. Put reality aside, especially anything you learned in science class, and revel in the badness this holiday season.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • There are worse Christmas songs than "Jingle Bells."
  • Santa has a reindeer named "Nixon."
  • Eating a hamburger in the shape of a pill is unappetizing.
  • Saturn is clearly visible from Mars, appearing about the same size as our moon does to us.
  • Ponderous B-52 bombers are scrambled to intercept UFOs.
  • Santa would never make it as a stand up comic.
  • Getting fat takes time.
  • Even Martian guys stuff their pants.
  • Four kids using ping-pong balls and soap bubbles can take on one grown man who is armed with a disintegration ray.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 6 mins - Why is the snow on that guy not melting?
  • 13 mins - Septober? What sort of a goofy hybrid month?
  • 20 mins - Paper towel tubes used as part of a radar array. (These guys were so broke.)
  • 30 mins - You two kids are going to freeze to death; I am actually happy about this.
  • 34 mins - Oh no! It's some guy dressed in a polar bear suit!
  • 50 mins - They are going to escape the airlock via a duct?
  • 57 mins - Some big guy who laughs insanely would not put me at ease, I'd run...
  • 66 mins - These morons cannot tell the difference between Santa and Dropo in a red suit?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note santamars1.wav Voldar: "All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
Green Music Note santamars2.wav Betty: "What are those funny things sticking out of your head?"
Martian: "Those are our antenna."
Betty: "Are you a television set?"
Green Music Note santamars3.wav Newscaster: "And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians."
Green Music Note santamars4.wav Martian: "Where are you going?"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho!"
Martian: "Can't you say anything else, but 'ho, ho, ho?'"
Dropo: "Ho, ho, ho."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipsantamars1.mpg - 2.8m
Voldar is defeated.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #41. Posted on December 16, 2007, 03:46:41 PM by Giant Claw Jr
mAKES YOU WONDER WHAT WERE THEY THINKING WHEN THEY MADE THIS MOVIE OR WHAT PERSISLY WERE THEY DRINKING WHEN THEY MADE IT I MEAN TOO MUCH WACKY WEED BounceGiggle
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #42. Posted on December 23, 2007, 10:05:40 AM by Kerienne H.
wow..me and my mom were glued to the screen yesterday when we watched it...it was so bad it was good! the thing that trips me out, though, is the fact that it was supposedly 19 degrees below zero and that Andy Anderson dude only had on a fur coat...overall, it was HILARIOUS.!
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #43. Posted on May 27, 2008, 08:24:51 PM by David Merrill
I grew up on this film. They would run it every Christmas on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when they'd run out of Christmas specials to show. i watched it with the same intensity as Rudolph when I was like 7. Pretty scary I was allowed to watch this kind of crap. It's important to remember this was Pia Zadora's first film. But then probably no one remembers her and her rich husband who tried to buy her a film career anyway. I'm gonna go see if Toxic Zombies is here.
AWESOME!!!
Reply #44. Posted on July 31, 2008, 08:25:22 AM by SATYRA
I WANNA SEE THIS FILM HJAUJUAJUAJAUAJUAJAUAAJ

 Cheers
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #45. Posted on September 13, 2008, 02:45:19 PM by Giant Claw Jr
That robot look a bit like the one from a episode of GILLIGANS ISLAND
Re: Jamie Farr
Reply #46. Posted on January 09, 2009, 04:35:13 PM by JamieFarr
Jamie Farr wasn't in this movie.  It was filmed in 1964, and Farr was born in 1934, yes it does look like a 30 year old man.  But according to his biography, the only martian works he was in was...

Benny, "Avenue `C' Mob," My Favorite Martian, CBS, 1965
Fred, "Virus M for Martian," My Favorite Martian, 1966

The martian who looks like Farr, Stobo, was played by Al Nesor.  See more at...
http://www.answers.com/topic/jamie-farr
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #47. Posted on January 20, 2009, 05:17:51 PM by ds21
toy massacre FTW
Re: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Reply #48. Posted on February 08, 2009, 03:32:39 PM by BoyScoutKevin
This film is very much a product of the '60's. Indeed, I doubt if it could have been made during anyother decade. And whereas, "Citizen Kane" may be the greatest film ever made, I much rather see a film like this again, then a film like "Citizen Kane" again.
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